What grown-up children are silent about **** 5-year-old girl on vacation with her parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents. Everything is fine, a warm southern country, a country house with a large garden. And my great-grandfather is such a lively person, he’s almost 80, but he’s still great. Every day he took her into a large room in the house, sat her on the sofa so that she could see the door to the garden, where everyone else walked. He said, “It’s jelly, let me try.” He said, “Dad also has the same one, look at what I have, hold it.” But he asked not to tell anyone anything, although he did not explain why. Grandfather, fortunately, died soon. ****The girl is almost a girl of 13 years old. On a hike, her cousin and slightly older brother in the tent at night, when everyone is sleeping, begins to paw at her and climb into all possible and not so places. It shrinks to the thickness of its own clothes, so that it is completely invisible, it is impossible to find it, but he finds it. There was no need to sleep for the rest of the night, but for some reason it was also impossible to give himself away, to scream, call for help, or at least push him away. Why?****A girl of about the same age. Visits with parents, fun, children went to bed. But one particularly prominent and successful man comes to the nursery. He begins to reach under the blanket, into his shorts, under his T-shirt, trying to find her and get there quickly. Can not get in time. All these 5 or 10 minutes she almost dies of horror, but does not scream, does not push or call for help. Why?****Woman, almost 30 years old. Miraculously escapes rape... while visiting friends. Not a miracle, of course - it was the first time she really fought. As best I could, but silently. True, she managed and pushed the attacker out the door, moved the sofa to the door and did not lie down again. She didn't scream or call for help. Why? ****Why? Why? Why? Incest, or rather abuse, is one of the most terrible crimes against the soul of a child. This is direct violence, a gross and terrible violation of taboos, manipulative, built on deception, blackmail, and fear. Its horror is that it is committed by the one who, it would seem, is called upon to protect the child from all this. The child knows that an adult needs to be trusted and that an adult knows how to do it. If he does something, it means it is necessary for some reason. A child is dependent, to the extent that the maximum degree of dependence of one living being on another is possible. He endlessly believes in his adult, trusts him and certainly cannot doubt the correctness of his actions. It is very difficult for him to confront and resist. An adult has unlimited power, he is responsible for his child, for his life, and in fact this life is entirely in his hands. The child is defenseless, unarmed and powerless to oppose anything. And an adult may well kill his child... and kills, in such a very “loving” way. Why doesn’t a child scream when a parent or significant adult harasses him? It’s as if he can’t fully believe that this is evil, that this is a crime. After all, he is my dear, I live thanks to him and he called me into this world? Why doesn't the child come and complain? Why doesn't he tell other adults? Why does the psyche suffer alone and, in the end, protecting the fragile child’s self, represses these experiences? - Because the father is able to convince his daughter or son that this is “necessary” and is generally possible - Because the child is not safe in the family and he cannot Bring everything that happens to him - Because he faces rejection and punishment if his behavior does not correspond to certain parental expectations - Because these parents were never or almost never “for him”, but took the side of those who offended, accused or scolded - Because he does not trust these adults, who are not adults at all - Because if adults believed in these stories, they would have to see all the dirt of their own life, and since they deny it, then his “dirt” (after all, this is how such stories with children are characterized) they will repress in every possible way - Because he is accustomed to the feeling of his own badness, insignificance and he himself is filled with shame. - Because it's notgrown parents or relatives - they cannot take their desire to their wife’s bedroom, but realize it where it is easiest for them to do it. After all, there is no need to win a child? Is it enough to push? Correctly manipulate.- Because in this unhealthy (often dysfunctional family) boundaries are blurred and often violated. What is incest/abuse if not a violation of boundaries? Boundaries between the role and place of a child and an adult? - Because in this family it is not customary to talk about “unpleasant things.” I don’t see evil, which means it doesn’t exist. Nobody knows - that means it didn’t happen, and then they won’t believe the child again. - Because for some reason you can’t say “no” to adult uncles and aunts. Good girls and boys are obedient? Here you go. This is the apotheosis of obedience - I repeat, but this is the whole point in my opinion - these are not mature adults who have never learned responsibility and conscious choice. She never called for help, largely because of everything mentioned above. She physically could not do this, she was sure that they would blame her - that she had done something very terrible and it was all her fault. Even as an adult at a party with friends, she “knew” that she would be accused. Why are the violations so serious? The child’s psyche “knows” that incest is a gross violation of further development and therefore causes enormous stress and many feelings. They cannot be tolerated and some of them are repressed, blocked and “forgotten.” What happens to the child’s psyche and why does it boil down into a story dangerous for later life? What is happening causes shame, a feeling of badness, of one’s own dirt. He, a child, cannot direct guilt, anger, or shame at the aggressor, because, as I wrote above, he is an important and significant adult and he certainly cannot be “bad.” Then I am bad, the blame turns on myself. And if they do this to me, it means there’s definitely something wrong with me. Disgust also turns on itself, instead of giving it out at the address. If this does not become known, if it is not designated as a crime, then the child remains guilty. Forever. Part of the child's soul dies. Purity and innocence you say? No. Your own, childish faith in your purity and innocence dies. The rigid and insurmountable boundary “you can’t do this with me” dies... What are the consequences of abuse, how do they manifest themselves in later life? Violations are often pathological in the sexual sphere and not only: - so-called sexual promiscuity, when a woman cannot control her desire. Both by desire and by refusal, she doesn’t know what to do every time. Refusal for her may mean rejection, loss of the relationship. Immediate consent can reproduce the violation of boundaries and the constant feeling of badness, a fallen woman. - blocking of arousal and satisfaction, even to the point of frigidity - psychosomatic diseases of the female reproductive sphere (the heroine of the stories described above regularly suffered from ovarian apoplexy, each time at the beginning of a new relationship for 10 years) - rejection of her femininity and sexuality. Femininity becomes threatening, arousing interest and, as a result, poses a threat to her safety. - reproduction of traumatic relationships - over and over again a woman will be subjected to abuse - depression, alcoholism, other options for compensation for this trauma - obsessive omnipresent control - it is impossible to be yourself, spontaneous, desirable. A partner and just an acquaintance, just a “man” always needs to be controlled, but what if something happens? This is only a superficial list of violations. Why are the violations so serious? Because the feelings are so strong they cannot be tolerated and some of them are repressed, blocked and “forgotten”, the trauma goes deep and is constantly reproduced one way or another - it needs to be played out, lived through in order to be cured and the psyche looks for this way every time. The stories described above are the stories are all about one person, apparently the damned grandfather “opened” the gates for retrauma... this crippled soul will sew up its wounds for a long time, and the scars will be rough and painful for a long time, no matter how