Loss, the death of a loved one, is the worst thing that can happen to a person. A huge grief, a weight that needs to be lifted and endured over a significant period of time. POSTPONE. BEEN THROUGH. Or - be crushed by this load for the rest of your days. It is obvious that a person during this period is in dire need of professional help. And it is also obvious that the task of the psychotherapist here is extremely difficult. Moreover, at all levels - at the behavioral level - what to do when nothing can be done? On a cognitive level - how to understand death? On the emotional level - how to empathize with what is unbearable? And most importantly, how can we help a person, having suffered a loss, return to reality alive and well? Sigmund Freud: What is the work done by sadness? ... the exploration of reality has shown that the beloved object no longer exists, and reality prompts the demand to take away all the libido associated with this object. That is, BREAK UP with him. And part with not only him, but with his love for you... And with your love for him, filling every cell of him and yours, thought, sensation, action. A completely understandable resistance arises against this; in general, one must take into account that a person does not easily leave libidinal positions even when a replacement is expected. This resistance can be so strong that there is a withdrawal from reality and the object is held on through a hallucinatory psychosis that embodies the desire... This stage of experiencing loss is called the stage of denial. They say about a lost object - he/she is with me all the time! They feel him next to them, talk to him, see him in their dreams every night. They keep his things in the same places, waiting to meet him... Then gradually, step by step, drop by drop, reality begins to penetrate the soul of the mourner and he begins to say goodbye to what was lost. Step by step - with every memory, every joint action, every moment of time spent together. Each of the memories and expectations in which the libido was associated with the object is suspended, acquires increased active force, and libido is liberated on it. It is very difficult to point out and justify economically why this compromise work of demanding reality, carried out on all these individual memories and expectations, is accompanied by such exceptional mental pain. And this is a pain that you can’t escape from - you have to go through it, CARRY IT. BEEN THROUGH. Long, difficult, painful. This is the only possible path to recovery, liberation, and return to life. The problem is that in the modern world, in our mentality, it is human nature to brush aside pain, hide from it, or demand a means of immediate relief. At the first symptoms of pain, colds, anxiety, we grab onto painkillers of all varieties and shades - from pills to alcohol, and as a result, in a situation of suffering, we have nothing of our own - neither immunity, nor patience. And in a situation of loss, a person seeks to rid himself of pain, pretending that it does not exist. And those around him, in order to save themselves from the pain of empathy, willingly play along with him. Under various plausible pretexts - I don’t want to remind him once again! (as if he could forget) - I don’t want to reopen his wound! (so that it festers without dressing) - I still can’t help! (because there is nothing to help - you don’t have the ability to endure your own pain, let alone share someone else’s). And here psychotherapists are faced with the most difficult task - to encourage a person to experience his grief, looking reality in the face and parting gradually, piece by piece, with the lost object, tearing it away from the heart, coming to terms with the irreparability of separation from it. But following your loved one to the grave may seem EASIER. This is really partly true - there is no need to resist, no need to fight, no need to endure unbearable pain. You can just give up and fade away..