Everything stated below reflects the subjective point of view of the author, cannot be considered a conceptualization and does not claim anything. I personally know a woman who can go through 120 stores over the course of several weeks in search of “that” blouse. One day I carelessly asked her a question: “Is the blouse worth the effort?” The answer was an astonished look and a confident “Of course!” Well, everyone has the right to live their own life. There is even a certain element of responsibility to oneself in this - this is exactly what my darling wanted, and I made every effort. But if we are able to put so much effort into looking good, isn’t it logical to choose a doctor, psychologist, and teacher for children just as carefully? This is what I want to talk about today – about how to approach choosing a psychologist as consciously and responsibly as possible, so as not to make a mistake. Of course, in psychological counseling, as in any business, there are good specialists, just specialists, and in general it is not clear who. In my opinion, all figures from psychology can be divided into 2 groups. The first part is girls who went into psychology “just because.” Well, for example, I didn’t make it to physics and mathematics, I didn’t have enough money for more, I’ll go to pedagogy or psychology. Then I graduated from college and here I am – a professional. And where should I go now, I’m kind of like a psychologist? There is little harm from such girls, because, firstly, they have very little chance of actually starting to work with people. Most likely, they will go to some nearby area - as methodologists in educational units, teachers in kindergartens, settle down in the household, or even go to a completely different area with a stable income (who are salespeople?). With the second group, everything is more complicated. There are many more such people and the harm from them can also be immeasurably greater. The second group is all those who came to psychology to solve their own problems. In one way or another, perhaps just trying to understand why certain events happen in his life and whether there is some kind of pattern to them. Everything is OK here, in my opinion, this is how it should be. But then things get problematic. And it begins if the therapist starts working with people without solving his own problem. He draws all the clients who come to him by the ears to this problem of his. Everything that should be perceived objectively is perceived through the prism of one’s own projections. Like any psychologist, I naturally do not disdain personal therapy. And family, if the need arises. Recently, a difficult situation has arisen in our difficult family, which requires an objective view and support from the outside. “Everything was mixed up in the Oblonskys’ house” - here was puberty, new family members, problems of separation/growing up, jealousy, and everything in general. I tried to find a professional who I could trust with the most important thing - the mental health of my own children. I chose a person who could be an authority for my teenagers - a man of advanced age who could speak and persuade. A person who could become an authority for me - like a doctor with a solid list of diplomas in reserve. And this is what happened at our joint family session, where our entire large family was present. For some reason, he chose one child and, ignoring all the others, began to actively inquire about the dramatic situation that actually took place in the childhood of all my older children. And so, they say, all the problems that you have now are because he went through this at the age of 5. - “Didn’t the others survive?” - I ask. - “No, just a boy.” I’m trying to explain to him that what’s happening is not a consequence of psychotrauma, but he only tells me: “I see.” - “As you can see, based on what?” No answer. He “sees” and that’s it. And why? Yes, because that’s the only thing he knows how to treat. And only for boys. I also have a constellation friend who “sees” incest in 90% of clients in their personal history. Whoever comes to him - oops, incest! - “What are you talking about, I would know!” - “Look deeper, you havesomething like that in early childhood... Associated with one of the parents.... Perhaps this is only emotional incest, but it clearly took place...” The worst thing about this is that the suggested person will think - what if it’s true? What if this is the root of my problems? And it will get even more confused, and what it will lead to - God knows. The most unsightly case of violation of professional standards in my practice was told to me by my client. By the way, I refused to work with her - I considered that this work would go beyond the boundaries of my competence . Actually, I see this as one of the signs of professionalism - to be able to refuse those clients whom the psychologist a priori cannot help. Suicidal tendencies against the background of signs of a possible schizphrenogenic disorder belong to the field of professional activity of a psychiatrist. The line between health and illness is sometimes very thin, but in this case I did not have the slightest doubt that in front of me was a truly mentally ill person and only a psychiatrist could help her. I assume that her illness developed quite early, and for almost All her life she knew that something was wrong with her. Why didn’t you contact a specialist? I contacted you. At the age of 17, when she experienced the collapse of her first love and she began to have thoughts of suicide, bulimia, and, at a minimum, severe depression - I quote: “I sat alone in the room for several months, swayed and looked at one point on the wallpaper.” to a psychologist, “did therapy with him” for a long time, then had a “long sexual relationship” with him, most often right in the office (on the job, as I understand it), then the specialist’s mother found out about the specific sessions (“And mom “Where from?” I ask. “So he took it right at home.” Great, that is, mom was right behind the wall) and kicked her out of the house with a rag. Well, a wonderful experience. Really explains why she didn't seek therapy for the next 10 years. It's all very sad. After all, a psychologist is trusted with the most important thing – the soul. They believe him. And the expressed point of view is often taken as the ultimate truth - “the psychologist told me so.” The psychologist told me that “a woman’s role is to endure and obey her husband.” “They have already explained to me that children’s tears are nonsense, the child must be forced, he will cry and it will go away, that’s what I do.” “Well, it’s his father, he didn’t want to hurt him! And the specialist confirmed it.” “But during the training they explained to us that clothes constrain not only the body, but also the soul, so it’s easier to communicate without them.” Oh, mommies…….. Perhaps I’m taking extreme cases - this is just what stuck with me the most. OK, let's say you want to get help from a psychologist, but you don't know who to trust. Brief instructions for individual use, reflect only the personal point of view of the author and nothing more.1. Approach the matter responsibly - you trust this person a lot. At a minimum – your thoughts, hopes and desires. And you probably want to be treated with respect.2. A psychologist takes money for his work. We are not talking about discounts and promotions, but if you (suddenly!) are offered help for free or at a very low price, refuse. The cost of services in psychology consists of the cost of education and the need to continue training until the last day of practice. And if you are offered a consultation at a price 2 times lower than the average, think about why the price was reduced? Due to the fact that they gain experience on you, that’s all. Student hairdressers give haircuts for free, aspiring psychologists work for free. Hair, however, will grow back sooner or later. But what harm can be caused by saving to your psyche is a question. 3. There are always clear work rules. If you have a professional in front of you, he will voice them to you at the first consultation. Most likely, we will talk about work methods and mutual responsibility, about delays, about work schedules, about force majeure and cancellations of sessions. 4. The simplest, but most effective rule: you speak - they listen to you. I still chuckle when I remember my visit.to a psychologist 10 years ago - the young man literally didn’t let me open my mouth. I’ll say something – “Yeah, I understand you. I know for sure from myself, it’s tra-ta-ta-ta-ta... It happened to me too.” Believe me, to truly understand a person’s personality, you need to listen long and skillfully. Always. There are no epiphanies. They listen to you carefully and ask questions – that’s at least something. 5. In general, excessive references to one’s own experience should raise red flags. Of course, sometimes you just need to tell a story or give an example - this gets the point across better than theoretical calculations. But a psychologist is not your friend and cannot communicate with you in this way. It might be great to connect like old friends, talking about everything that's happened to each other during the week - but that's not what you're here for, is it? Not to be friends with a person for money? 6. And a psychologist is not a mentor. Coaching is a separate profession. It is possible to combine these two areas, but the requirements for a coach are somewhat different. Firstly, a coach teaches only what he himself is successful in. Public speaking is not taught by a shy person. There is no way to learn how to build relationships from a single lady. And so on. If you want results, choose someone who has achieved something in the area that interests you. Secondly, a coach knows how to teach. Not only is he successful, but he can also share his skills and abilities with others. 7. Touching or frequent strong hugs are prohibited. And I don’t even want to explain anything, although I know that all supporters of body-oriented therapy or kinesiology, which is so popular now, will throw slippers at me. I repeat, this is my personal point of view. If you need to relax, go for a massage.8. This point also clearly reflects my worldview. If you come to a psychologist and in the process of communication the words are often heard in his speech - extrasensory perception, sacred secrets, Vedic knowledge, the matrix of the universe and other nonsense - this is just nonsense, forgive me. 9. If you go to appointments for a long time and absolutely nothing happens to you, why do you need this? There must be at least a minimum intermediate result. A professional who sees that he cannot help will refuse to work. Otherwise, the question arises: aren’t they making money off of you? Like in that joke: Son-lawyer to father: “Dad, I finished the case that you handled for 30 years!” “Fool, I fed my family with it for 30 years!” The commercial logic of such “psychotherapy” can be understood - a regular client and regular income. But professional ethics are violated - in that the consultant does not see the limits of his own ability to help and takes on responsibility that is beyond his capacity.10. A competent specialist does not give marks for behavior. For him, you are neither bad nor good, but a person in need of help. I believe that a professional in psychology has wide boundaries of tolerance, secondly, and firstly, he knows how not to evaluate a client in accordance with his own moral standards. - You know, I can’t stand my mother-in-law. - How can that be, because she you much older and she is your husband's mother, you must be respectful. But you came for help, and not for someone else’s opinion, right? 11. Look for the person who suits you. Usually a professional has articles that you can read, videos that you can watch, and clients who agree to publish their reviews, live ones, not anonymous texts. Look, think, read, weigh and decide! A personal meeting will put everything in its place. Self-evident things are respect, competence, literacy, confidentiality. But I don’t know how a person who comes to an appointment can check them, so I don’t even mention it. Indeed, how can you be sure that a psychologist is not telling someone else about your problems? No, it's a matter of trust. So I tried to describe the image of a person whom I would trust. In addition, there is luck, intuition and the power of intention. If you want to get rid of your problems, you can do it. Because “if the patient wants to live, then