From the author: Source: We have all had to break up and end any relationship at some point. It could be some kind of long-term relationship when you graduated from school or university, left your hometown or place of work where you worked for a long time. Or they could be short: a shift at a camp, a holiday romance, or just the end of a corporate party. Sometimes it’s the end of something pleasant, and sometimes it’s the other way around: a broken friendship, the end of a love or even marital relationship. But no matter who you part with, I’m afraid that not many of the readers will be able to say that they were satisfied with this process. I will try to tell you further why this is and how to replace the unpleasant aftertaste of parting with a feeling of completeness, completion and satisfaction. Most of us find it difficult to endure the process of ending a relationship. Someone is trying to get through this thing, what is called “quickly”. Someone generally refuses to acknowledge the very fact of completion with the words: “See you again,” “Let’s write,” “We’ll call you.” Meanwhile, those relationships that end here and now will never happen again. We may see each other and call each other, but it will be a completely different relationship (if there is one at all). You cannot step into the same river twice. So what is valuable in this relationship ending? Why suffer? There are at least two reasons for this. Firstly, everything in our lives has its beginning and end, including life itself. And when we deny the value of completion, we seem to deny the value of what was. Let's say you decide to build a house. They built and built and finally built it. The key word is “end”. That is, it is after construction is completed that you can truly appreciate the work done. Note what worked especially well and what should be done better next time. And here we come to the second value of ending a relationship. Recognizing the good and the bad, the successes and failures in relationships that are ending, opens the way for us to new relationships at a higher level. A new sentence can only be started by putting a period at the end of the previous one. But what is this point and how to set it? First of all, it is important to recognize the value of the process of ending a relationship and give it enough time and space. Resist the temptation to “sneak through”; do not do this while running or on the phone. Then you will understand how important this is. Try to do this face to face and preferably in a place where nothing and no one will interrupt or disturb you. A safe and calm atmosphere is important because expressing your true feelings is quite intimate and difficult for most people. Any obstacle can frighten the frankness of your conversation. And only deep and sincere living of parting brings relief and benefit. Usually in the process of a relationship, a variety of unexpressed feelings and emotions accumulate between us. And sometimes it takes time to digest them, realize them and highlight them in their finished form. Both positive and negative feelings can be unexpressed, and sometimes all mixed up. So the main goal of completion is to express everything that is left in your heart, so that there is nothing left between you that you would remain silent about. Rather than carrying around regrets about unexpressed warm feelings or hidden resentment all your life, it is better to express everything at the end - when it is most appropriate. Some of the readers probably tensed up after the last sentences. “Uh, if I tell him/her everything, I don’t know how it will all end.” Therefore, it is important to follow some simple rules: Firstly, remember that you are not sorting things out, but summing them up. Secondly, adhere to the “I-statements” scheme. In other words, talk about yourself and your feelings, not about the other person and his actions. “You-statements” provoke conflicts because they violate the psychological boundary of the interlocutor. When you talk about someone else, you claim some “truth” about him, with which the interlocutor is not sure that he will agree. And this becomes a reason for conflict. And ifyou are talking about your own feelings and experiences, you can be believed or not, but it is not possible to argue with you. In general, the principle of “I-statements” makes almost any communication more effective, and not just when breaking up. Stick to it whenever you can, and you will notice that your relationships with others will begin to improve. Let me give you a couple of examples: “You-statements”: “I-statements”: You hurt me... I was hurt then and then. It’s good what you did... I’m grateful to you for such and such and that’s what made me angry... I was angry... When breaking up, phrases that begin with the words: “It was valuable, important to me...” In my practice, I had to facilitate the processes of ending relationships between clients. Ideally, in a thesis form between the two parties, it happens like this: Participant 1: Participant No. 2: I'm angry... - I'm angry... Sorry for... - Sorry for... Thank you for... - Thank you for ...That is, from the beginning, each of the participants in the dialogue takes turns sharing with the other about their negative experiences associated with the relationship being completed. At the same time, it is important to clearly indicate exactly what I am angry about or what exactly made me feel pain, fear, anxiety or any other negative feelings. When you listen, you carefully clarify those moments where it is not entirely clear to you what exactly caused the negativity. Careful, because we are talking about the pain points of the interlocutor and you need to have enough tact so as not to hurt even more in the end. If you are honest enough in listening to your interlocutor, then in the process you may notice those moments in your relationship for which you are a little ashamed. For this you can ask for forgiveness. When both have told each other about what was unpleasant to them, the opportunity opens up for the next stage, when you can ask for forgiveness from the other and forgive yourself. This is perhaps the most difficult, but also the most important stage in ending a relationship. If you live it 100%, you can rid yourself of many psychosomatic diseases. If there are quite a lot of complaints against you, try, as in the first stage, to be very specific about what exactly you are asking for forgiveness for. It is not at all necessary to ask for forgiveness for everything at once. If you are ashamed of at least one thing, ask for forgiveness for it, even if you don’t agree with everything else. When you have asked for forgiveness, take your time. Give your interlocutor time to hear your words and experience them. Sometimes these experiences can be quite strong, deep and contradictory. At this moment, a person decides within himself whether he can forgive or not. And this is also very important internal work. When you forgive, you: a) cleanse yourself of all the negativity that primarily harms you; b) you free up energy for something new, previously spent on holding onto resentment. After you have asked each other for forgiveness and heard the answer, you can move on to the next step: expressing gratitude. This sequence is not accidental. We have something to thank for almost any person with whom we have somehow crossed paths. Even if the relationship was purely negative, it was an experience in our lives that we could use to become better. But in the foreground, as a rule, we have anger and resentment, blocking everything good and useful. Therefore, only by expressing our negativity can we discover that behind it there is gratitude and perhaps other warm feelings, which are also extremely important to highlight. Of course, I have outlined the ideal pattern for ending a relationship between two emotionally competent people. In ordinary life, where the majority lives in conditions of a “psychological vacuum,” not many are able to go through and live this scheme fully and sincerely. It may happen that you do not hear words of reciprocity and the interlocutor will not be able to hear you in everything. And it's not scary. The main thing is that you manage to be