From the author: The article was first published on my website. Relationships are the central topic of any consultation. Everything ultimately comes down to them. And it doesn’t matter what we’re talking about - about business, health, about a man and a woman, about work issues. Where do good relationships come from and why once successful ones sometimes turn into hostility and mutual conflicts? Let’s look at this using the example of a couple that was created on based on an emotional connection. So, people meet! And this is where things get interesting... Where did the attraction arise? Why did these two people like each other? Research says that we become interested in those individuals who experienced the same difficulties as us in their previous childhood history. But they solved them differently. Here we are talking about the rules learned in the parental family. Each of us inherited a certain “filter”, a criterion on which the main emphasis was placed. This could be emotionality, commitment, achievement, attitude towards money, etc. Interest arises when another has a “filter” similar to ours, but acts in a completely opposite way. This is how we are attracted to each other. For example, commitment was important in the family. One person, as a result of such upbringing, could become a spontaneous rebel, and the second could be orderly and learn to follow these rules. Love may arise between such people; they are attracted to each other. They are interested in each other. However, the hormonal cocktail of love ends when the couple begins to live together. While people were dating, their different ways of living were pleasing and exciting. And in one territory, diametrically opposed ways of relating to life are revealed. There is an attempt by one to impose their values ​​on the other and vice versa. Everyone believes that “we will do as I see fit.” And this again concerns that main “filter”. For example, “sociability - silence.” And the more polarized ways of behavior according to significant values ​​are demonstrated by the participants of the couple, the more conflictual the relationship develops. As a result, “insecurity”, anxiety, tension, and dissatisfaction appear in the space of the two. Fighting hormones are released into the blood. “I’m afraid of losing myself in this relationship, I’m afraid of losing my face, I’m afraid of losing stability,” we say. Feeling safe is our basic need. But since we are different, for one, for example, a situation when the other is silent can be dangerous, and for the other, it is impossible to discuss something openly, to open up. With insecurity come conflicts. And gradually lead to a break in the relationship. And divorce is often not a panacea here. Because if a person has not changed in any way personally, then in a new relationship the same thing is repeated as in the previous ones. Even worse. They say about such cases: “I got married a second time, and such problems began... It would be better not to get a divorce.” We still find similar difficulties with our personal structure. That’s why it’s so important to work on yourself and grow personally. This makes it possible to create a qualitatively different relationship with a personally more mature person, if separation is inevitable. What could be the way out of a conflict relationship other than divorce or breakup? A couple is a balance of two opposites. Two people brought their own ways of living from their parents' family. Communication began from these poles. But in order to be happy in a long-term relationship, these positions need to be “smoothed out.” The natural way out is mutual, mutual steps towards each other, from the pole of one’s position to a common center. For example, if a couple is formed on the criteria of emotionality, then the one who is used to speak more, must learn to be silent and listen more. And those who like to remain silent should begin to open up more. This is difficult, because everyone is sure that their position is the most correct. It has already proven its effectiveness in many situations in the past, it has allowed us to achieve certain successes, and simply live up to our goals.age. Each of us has a great need to accept the value of our way of living. History knows many cases when a person even went to the stake for the sake of his beliefs. But in a couple relationship, this method does not work and leads to conflict. The extreme position of one determines the extreme position of the other. And here it is important to ask yourself the question: “Do I want to be right, even if I am lonely and unhappy? (and then what is the price of my truth?) Or do I want to be happy?”...Therefore, the only way out for a successful relationship in a couple is for everyone to move towards the center, towards balance. How to do this if there is no feeling of security and trust in the couple? These are very important here personal boundaries. Often in a couple, someone has more energy and takes up most of the space. This makes him feel safe. The second partner, on the contrary, occupies less of the space and may feel unsafe. He has difficulties with personal boundaries. For a person who does not have clear personal boundaries, any caustic remark can cause a flurry of emotions, upset, because it goes straight inside, instead of stumbling upon an internal antidote: “This is not about me. That man was wrong." Therefore, it is extremely important here to build or regain your personal boundaries: Realize, appropriate your values. Answer the question: “What is important to me? What has no place in my life? What will I never allow to be done to myself? Be aware of my feelings. Get out of the position of a victim. Because if there is a victim (someone who deserves love and good treatment), there will always be an intervener. The victim provokes the partner to be cruel. And when the situation “I gave you everything” comes, the victim begins to get angry. The partner may say in response: “I didn’t ask. It was your choice". And further in a circle. Masochism is a very powerful weapon. Stop communicating with reproaches. Reproach is emotional abuse; it forces a partner to defend themselves. When we attack a person with reproaches, he stops hearing us, because at best he comes up with arguments to justify himself. Reproach is always “you are wrong.” Reproach gives rise to a feeling of guilt and is a lever for manipulation. In creating successful relationships, this technique is both prohibited and ineffective. Guilt kills love. This is how a person stops trusting and loving. The system of non-reproaches is much safer and more effective than the system of reproaches. It is very important here to try to talk about your feelings, about yourself. When we talk about ourselves, we do not violate the territory of another; the partner can approach us. This is how we give our partner the opportunity to do a good deed for us. It is interesting that behind a reproach there is always a request. We reproach each other because we are afraid to ask. Therefore, you can ask: “I took this as a reproach. What was your request?” If we talk about ourselves, about our needs, then we become vulnerable - a person can refuse us. And here again the question of personal boundaries arises. About the opportunity to accept and experience the refusal of another, without getting hurt by it. When making a request, it is important to acknowledge the feelings of the other person: “I want to ask. I know it's not valuable to you. But it's valuable to me. I’m nervous in this situation...If you care, please call me.” I would also like to talk about personal growth in a couple. At the beginning of a relationship, partners are almost identical, starting from similar positions. Then, most often, one of them begins to grow, and the second remains in place. And they either get divorced or find a way for the second one to grow up. This can be either a man or a woman. Very often, personal development begins with a crazy crisis. A person either begins to move or becomes a “person with a difficult fate.” And the simplest growth occurs through a change in social position. Can two strong personalities create a union? Marriage experts say yes, but only in the second half of life. Then, when a person becomes self-sufficient. In conclusion, I would like to note that a couple is communicating vessels. “Refilling”.