Often during consultations I hear from women the phrase: “Everything changed after the birth of the child. The husband began to drink, go out... Everything was different before.” Thus, the woman shifts the blame and responsibility for her unfulfilled personal life onto the barely born baby, who will be forced to bear the cross of maternal sacrifice placed on him. The mother will constantly take out her bad mood on him, and this child, alas, will never be desired and loved again. He was born to become a scapegoat. Is he to blame? What's really going on? Has everything really changed after his birth? When you begin to disassemble in detail the “crooked puzzle” of memories and put it back together, a completely different picture emerges, in which the woman accepts responsibility for what happened: “He drank before, I just didn’t attach any importance to it, we they were young, cheerful, I also drank, I thought it was normal when we drank together in the same company. I thought when a family appeared, everything would change...” Why does it happen that with the birth of a child, life changes, but not in that way. the best side? Here are some typical mistakes women make: 1. Ignoring markers of a partner’s unreliability: he was already married, but easily left his wife, left his children, had little contact with them, did not care about them, the man was initially dominated by egocentric attitudes and a tendency to bad habits, he was initially impulsive, and showed a quick temper under stress or closedness, often manipulated (ignored you, accused you, compared you, provoked you), flaunted his popularity with women, demonstrated contradictory behavior (in words it was one thing, but in reality it was another and vice versa), etc. 2. Speculating for a man. There are often situations when a woman is afraid to hear from a man what she doesn’t want to hear, because... she is in love with him and dreams of a wedding in a white dress and a limousine. Therefore, she does not discuss important issues with him “on the shore”: does he want a child, how will household responsibilities be distributed, the budget, how does he plan to provide for his family, is he even ready for this responsibility, do their temperaments, outlook on life, family structure, self-realization, leisure, fidelity in marriage, bad habits, etc. In most cases, women act like the heroine of Irina Muravyova from the film “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears”: where will he then go from the submarine? And this is a big mistake. A man who married only out of a sense of duty, not ready for such responsibility, after the wedding, over time, begins to blame the woman for his unfulfilled life, beat, drink, go out, etc. Of course, everything that happened does not negate his responsibility.3. A woman gave birth to a child only with the goal of keeping a man, while her own sense of motherhood was not developed. Therefore, when a woman understands that she cannot keep a man with a child, she automatically does not need the child and is perceived as a burden.4. The woman herself is dominated by egocentric attitudes. Having gotten married, such women believe that now the man will not “jump off” the ship that has set sail, and they begin to demand the maximum from him, focusing only on the man’s functions - how much he is able to provide for life, and emotionally the spiritual side is overlooked. A man becomes a priori obliged once he gets married. The woman meticulously evaluates his contribution, losing sight of her own investments in the family. Self-centered women are convinced that they invest more and feel disadvantaged all the time, often devaluing what a man does for the family and home. On this basis, conflicts often arise in the family. Be that as it may, many problems can be overcome if both both men and women want to learn to understand each other and negotiate. To do this, you need to go through an important stage on the path to psychological maturity in the process of psychotherapy. Live in peace! You can contact me with questions of interest by phone, Viber, What`sApp or Skype right here on my page.* Pictures: Vladimir Lyubarov.