How to figure out where you need help and where you don’t? What can I control and what can't I? And how to let go? I know from experience that often those people who experience anxiety have control that goes through the roof. And yes: you realize this, you understand that you need to let go, but... It’s scary to let go, it’s not clear how. Why does this happen? Let's figure it out. In psychology, there are 2 ways to localize control. In other words, think about who is responsible for what in this life: - external (external); - internal (internal). External locus is when responsibility is for oneself. You attribute events in your life to external circumstances. For example, you think: “I worry all the time because no one listens to me: everyone does what they want. The husband does not help with the children, the children are willful. And that’s why I’m constantly anxious.” Accordingly, internal, internal – when you attribute responsibility for what is happening to yourself. I think that the truth is somewhere (near) in the middle. We can react with anxiety to external events. And that's okay. It is true that other people may be doing things that bother us. And the inaction of a husband or the willfulness of children can give rise to anxiety about the consequences. At the same time, we can focus excessively on ourselves and believe that we influence more than is actually possible. Let me explain. Recently, in a conversation with one woman who was very worried about her mother’s health, we tried to understand: how can we really help? My mother was bothered by back pain. She constantly complained to her daughter. But I didn’t go to the doctor. The daughter was worried, looked for doctors, sent phone numbers to her mother, even wrote her down. But my mother did not go to the doctor under various pretexts. And the daughter ended up feeling confused and angry. How can I help? And we began to draw. We began to differentiate. Where is the mother and where is the daughter in this situation? Mom is an adult, experienced woman of 65 years old. It works and copes well with all everyday difficulties. And in general, judging by the description, she is quite capable of seeing a doctor and buying medicine for herself. In the daughter’s mind, she is a frail old woman, as well as a small child who does not understand the impending threat and requires constant care. The truth, as we found out, is in the middle: mother and the truth is that she can go to the doctor with her back. But she misses communication with her daughter. And so she maintains this communication through complaints. Clarifying the area of ​​control helped my daughter in several ways: 1. Understand that mom is objectively not in danger and can cope on her own.2. Hear mom’s need for communication and care.3. Hear yourself: how ready you are to be included in your mother’s life, taking into account the needs of your family. Thus, the client’s area of ​​control has become more realistic and she is significantly less worried about what does not concern her. But I had more energy to communicate with my mother. And this is not about suffering, but about community and mutual interest. In general, if anxiety arises as a result of attempts to control something that is beyond our area of ​​​​control, the psychological task sounds like this: understand what you can control and what you cannot. It's like a famous prayer. I hope this article will help you better navigate your situation.