In the article “Borders – what they are and why they are necessary,” I talked about the concept of personal boundaries and why build boundaries with other people. In this publication, I will continue the topic of boundaries, and we will talk about: What are the different models of boundaries? What are the obstacles that are associated with setting boundaries? Models of Boundary Behavior Our model of boundaries is formed from childhood experiences and determines our beliefs and behavior as adults. Everything that a child sees when he grows up surrounded by others is all embedded in him and realized in adulthood. Children observe, learn and absorb information from their environment. First of all, they see how their parents behave and understand that “this is how you need to relate to the world, since my parents do this and survive in this world, then I will take this too.” As adults, we already begin to understand that our parents tried, but their limitations and lack of information could form beliefs and experiences that were uncomfortable for us. We will talk today about the boundaries that we adopt from our parents when we grow up in a family. Models of borders, like various family traditions, are also passed down from generation to generation, and such a model forms our own border. And so how can we understand what influenced the creation of my own border: - Remember what you saw and experienced in childhood? - Could Did you express your thoughts and feelings as a child? Talk about what you liked, what upsets you and simply express a different position? - As a child, could you have your own opinion in relation to something/someone and express it? - In conflict situations, how did your loved ones react - they shouted , argued or discussed emerging problems? Did you resolve any conflicts that came up, or didn't you clear things up and talk about them further? As you can see, these questions apply to your own boundaries. This is essential to understanding your own current experience, as your past boundary-setting experiences have become the foundation for your own boundaries today. You also need to understand the origins of your boundaries in order to understand patterns of behavior that are unpleasant for you and draw up a more correct plan for relationships with yourself and your environment. In many families, children receive both correct and erroneous information about interpersonal boundaries. And as adults, we unknowingly build our lives based on both correct and incorrect information. Here are examples of boundary models that we have adopted and applied to our own model: The Please Everyone Model. As an assumption, you may have been influenced by the model that everyone families may not have taken into account the individual interests, feelings and values ​​of each family member. In such a family, devotion to all family members is important, even at the cost of their own interests. All actions are performed for the benefit of the family precisely to the extent that self-expression and one’s own opinion are not taken into account. “If I don’t invite my second cousin, he will be offended. Even if he treats me with disrespect, for the sake of my family, I will call him.” Why am I doing this? It turns out that you cannot make a choice regarding your own needs, desires and feelings. You feel that it is your duty to share with everyone what you can. Or you may be afraid that you will be said to be insensitive and selfish if you don't help others. A pattern of agreeing and then getting angry at yourself for it. As a guess, perhaps this strategy is chosen by you to avoid discomfort and problems in the future. “Yes.” , I will help you do this job.” But in your heart you then say: “Why did I quickly agree, because I’m sewing myself up at work, I have a big project! Damn, what have I done!” Why am I doing this? It turns out that you may feel that others are putting pressure on you (although sometimes this may not be the case) and agree to do anything to stop feeling this. Or you don’t take your interests into account, thinking that in this case they will love you more. The model is to often refuse help. “Don’t worry, I can handle it.” We tell others and don’t give them the opportunityto help those around us, even when it is sincere and voluntary. We are all vulnerable and do not always have the opportunity to solve all the difficulties that arise on our own. The basis of true intimacy is both the desire to help others and to receive help from others. Why do I do this? Often refusing help is a feeling of maintaining control. Or perhaps you don't want to feel like a burden, vulnerable, or "in debt." The I model is always positive no matter what happens. For example, it's when your close friend shares something painful with you and you say, "Maybe there are reasons for that. It will pass.” Why am I doing this? It turns out that, of course, a positive attitude is undoubtedly not bad, but it depends on what and in what situations. Sometimes it is a way of denial or an inability to face reality. We may use positivity when we are dealing with unpleasant feelings because we cannot bear the pain or discomfort of what happened. Self-justification pattern. We like to “read other people's minds” and draw our own conclusions based on your opinion and attitude. And it often happens that we look for excuses for other people's actions. “She's having a hard time right now and I know she doesn't want to hurt me when she says mean things to me.” “I'm making mountains out of molehills.” Why am I doing this? Perhaps , this means justifying one's own behavior or the behavior of others in order to avoid the manifestation of boundaries (that is, it is scary to realize that you were really offended or treated wrongly). It can also be like an attempt to devalue one’s own experiences. Such self-deception is a way to avoid responsibility for your life, avoid experiences and minimize conflicts. Why do we need to understand behavioral patterns? It is advisable for us to understand behavioral patterns of boundaries in order to determine your true feelings and get rid of what is not acceptable for you and causes inconvenience . Learn to tell the truth, not put off your needs until later, and set effective boundaries for yourself in relationships with others. Excessive giving of “yourself” to other people leads to emptiness and powerlessness, since you have nothing left for yourself. The solution is to be mindful of yourself and take care of your needs. Make every decision based on your capabilities. If you try to do this, then your generosity will become sincere and will give you positive emotions. Difficulties associated with setting boundaries Changing our behavior in relation to other people, that is, setting boundaries, is not an easy task, especially if we have not done this before. What obstacles exist that prevent us from setting personal boundaries. And so, here they are: - Passivity. “I cope better with stress than others. Let the unpleasant feelings be with me, and not with others.” Here a person does not consider it necessary to share what worries or interests him with others. Because he prefers to handle everything himself. It seems to him that it is better not to take any action - everything will calm down over time. - Helpfulness. “I’d rather do what you ask me to do than argue with you.” Here a person does not want to receive unpleasant feelings from others and does not want to conflict , therefore, he often gives in to his own interests in favor of the interests of others. - Guessing. “If I do this, I know what they will say about me, so I will behave somehow differently.” Here a person cannot ask other people what might happen, if they perform certain actions. That is, it is important for such a person what his surroundings think about him. He also needs to “not fall flat on his face” in front of others, and everything he does is mostly related to making others think well of him. - Projection. “I believe that what I feel and do, another person feels and does.” Here a person believes that much of what he feels and considers is felt and considered by other people. If I believe that all people are deceivers, then I will always find moments to emphasize this to other people. Perhaps it is important for such a person».