From the author: An article about the main reason for disharmony in relationships between children and parents - the lack of parental effectiveness skills among parents. I was prompted to write an article with this title by Chaim Ginott’s book “Parent-Child: The World of Relationships” and Hard Truth No. 6 from American writer David Wong’s article “Six Hard Truths That Will Make You a Better Person.” But, the main reason for the appearance of this article is the constant recognition of the fact that behind every new case, behind every new problem with which an adult comes to a psychologist, there are almost always costs associated with the attitude of his parents towards him and his upbringing in the parental family. So, what Is this the hard truth #6 that can make anyone better? #6: The world only cares about what it can get from you “Let's assume that the person you love most in the world has just been shot. Lying in the street, bleeding and screaming. A guy comes up and tells you to “Move away.” He examines your loved one’s wound and takes out a penknife - he’s going to operate right on the street. You ask: “Are you a doctor?” He answers: “No.” You say: “But you know what you’re doing, right?” At this moment the guy loses his temper. He says that he is good, honest, that he always arrives on time. He reports that he is a great son, has a life full of exciting hobbies, and is proud of the fact that he never swears. You are confused: “What the fuck does all this matter when my love is lying here and bleeding! I need someone who knows how to operate on gunshot wounds! Can you or can’t you?!?” And now the guy starts agitating - why are you so superficial and selfish? What about you? Don't you care about all these excellent qualities of his? Didn't you hear him tell you that he always remembers his girlfriend's birthday? And in light of all this cool stuff, does it really matter if he knows how to operate? At which point you'll jump up, grab him by the shoulders with your bloody hands, shake him and yell, “Yeah, none of this shit matters, because this special situation and I need someone who can stop the bleeding, you sick fucking bastard.” And here it is, my terrible thing about the adult world: You are in the exact same situation every single day. And you are that guy with the pocket knife, and society is the bleeding victim of a shooting. If you want to know why society seems to avoid you, or why you are not respected, it is because society is full of people who need something . They need houses built, they need food, they need entertainment, they need satisfying sexual relationships. And you arrived at the scene of an emergency with a pocketknife in your hands, simply by virtue of your birth - the moment you come into this world, you become part of a system designed strictly to listen to the needs of people. Or you will become confused about the task “listen to people's needs” and earn a unique set of skills, or the world will kick you in the butt. And it doesn’t matter how kind, generous and polite you are. You will be poor, you will be lonely, you will be exposed to the cold. Does this seem cruel, primitive or materialistic? What about love and kindness - do they really mean nothing? Of course they do. As long as they are a consequence of you giving people something that they can’t get elsewhere.” Isn't it an interesting metaphor that opens our eyes to what the world expects from us, what leads to personal effectiveness and success in life? This fully applies to raising our children. “Your children only care about what they can get from you"Hard? Cruel? Perhaps, but I won't repeat what your children will do to you if you forget this hard truth. David Wong did it better than me, using the example of adult relationships. Your children do not need “pretty” parents who “love” them and buy everything for them, satisfy their every whim. They need professional parentsparenting that will help them become independent, responsible, adapted to their future adult life. They do not need parents who use “carrot and stick” parenting strategies. What do our children expect from us? Before finding the answer to this question, I will give another metaphor from Dr. Chaim Ginott’s book “Parent-Child: The World of Relationships.” Discussing the problems of parenting in his book, the author writes: “Parents should develop a special way of communicating with their children. Imagine how any of us would feel if a surgeon in the operating room, while we were being given anesthesia, said: “I honestly don’t have much experience in surgery, but I sincerely love my patients and use common sense.” Most likely, we would fall into a state of panic and rush to get away, which is not so easy for children to do. Parents are usually confident that it is enough to love their child and have common sense. However, parents, like surgeons, need to master certain skills to become competent enough to solve children's daily problems. An experienced surgeon knows very well where and how he should use a scalpel. Likewise, parents should acquire the ability to use words. After all, words can be sharper than a knife. They can mutilate, inflict many, albeit invisible, but very painful mental wounds.” What, in fact, do our children expect from us as parents? I will quote Dr. Ginott again: “However, parents, like surgeons, need to have certain skills to gain sufficient competence to enable them to solve children's daily problems." Many parents who have small children and teenagers simply need to become professional parents before it is too late. To do this, you need to master the skills of highly effective parents. Now, as a professional parent, you may look like the child in the above photo. Do you want to become a real professional parent? And look like this in the photo below? Then you need to familiarize yourself with and instill in yourself the skills of parental effectiveness. What are these skills? This is, first of all: The ability to break the vicious connection between the child’s unwanted behavior and your dysfunctional reaction to such an event. This is, perhaps, to a greater extent a skill of personal effectiveness than a skill of parental effectiveness, but it is key and you can’t live without it. Find the answer to the question - what is the main goal of raising your child. Of course, it follows from your family mission, and if the purpose of your family’s existence has not yet been defined, is blurred and unclear, this must be done. Typically, my parenting effectiveness training begins with this question. And as the experience of conducting parental effectiveness training shows, the vast majority of parents are “not aware” of why they are raising their children, what is the main goal of upbringing. The ability to communicate with their child in the language of feelings and desires. Understand what your child feels and wants and talk about it out loud, call the feelings in their own words, even if they are dysfunctional feelings. For example, - you are angry, you are offended... You would like not to go to school tomorrow... Don’t forget to tell your child about your feelings and desires. For example, it’s unpleasant for me when you come home from school looking like this; I would like my son to be more careful about his appearance. Interaction skill. This is not harsh administration, it is not orders, threats and coercion, or complete freedom of the child in behavior. This is patient, unconditional acceptance and non-judgmental encouragement of the child to do what corresponds to the ultimate goal of your upbringing. The skill of influencing a child if he commits an offense. This is the case when you can’t just ignore a child’s actions. This is the case when punishment is required. But educators and psychologists around the world have long noticed that punishment is not!