From the author: Ten years ago it was published in the magazine "Home" in an abbreviated version. I would like to note that I tried to write in simple words about rather complex experiences. I know that there are other descriptions and periodizations of the experience of trauma. This description is consistent with the idea of ​​the stages and methods of integrating any human experience into his own “I”, personality, development, education. How to survive adversity There is no abyss without a bottom, no matter how high, But mountains have peaks. Grief, trouble, difficult experiences. It is impossible to live life without meeting them. Even in early childhood, any of us experiences the first bitter emotions, bursting into a roar at every failure, such as a broken toy or punishment from parents. And although a child’s grief is bottomless, it is easily forgotten, replaced by the joy of life and the interest of learning new things. A person has a more difficult experience in his youth, when adult troubles suddenly befall him. Then everything seems to be the end of the world - unhappy love, failure to enroll in a university, unwanted pregnancy. They say that before the age of 22, almost everyone had thoughts of suicide at least once. It is then that he wonders - it would be because of what... Youthful optimism and youthful strength quickly take precedence over tears and melancholy. A mature personality cannot be knocked out of the saddle by all sorts of little things. The realization has come that everything is transitory, that life is truly of great value, and you should not throw it away. A person has developed a sense of duty to his own children, parents, and other people, and has come to a deep understanding that fulfilling this difficult duty is our greatest happiness. We stand firmly on our feet, held together by many responsibilities, attachments, and the love of loved ones. And yet, how vulnerable is our vital well-being and all that constitutes the basis and meaning of our existence. Betrayal, divorce, trouble with a loved one or other sad events - they ruin a person’s life, deprive them of peace, take away strength and health. What happens to a person experiencing psychological trauma? Is it possible to somehow systematize, generalize and find similar points in the “psychology of trouble.” Let's take a break from painful feelings for a while and become like healers who should heal, and not succumb to our emotions. Believe me, a detached, logical consideration of this difficult period in a person’s life will not only help you overcome your own troubles or find the right words for those in need of support, but will also explain a lot about the character and actions of other people. Trouble may be different, but it is always a difficult experience. First, let's define what we mean by the concept of “grief”, “trouble”. Obviously, the main thing here is not what kind of event occurred, but how serious it is for the person. So, for one, another divorce is almost entertainment, while for another, the same event is a life disaster. An undeserved insult, a cold attitude from loved ones, the need to retire - everything can become a difficult experience. The misfortune of Akaki Akakievich from Gogol’s “The Overcoat” is as deep as the tragedy of Anna Karenina. Or, for example, an event as far removed from everyday problems as the collapse of the Soviet Union - it turned out to be significant in the lives of many people. Having ceased to feel like citizens of a great and powerful country, they felt such a loss that in the country this resulted in a sharp increase in the incidence of neuroses. By grief or misfortune we will understand an event that destroyed or caused serious damage to a significant sphere of existence for a person. To better imagine what a “significant sphere of existence” is, let us remember that each of us is an individual with a certain appearance, character, he is part of a family, a member of a group, a friend to someone, a citizen of his city, state and etc. Thatthere is a person who simultaneously exists in many spheres. He may be excellent in some areas, while below average in others. For example, everything is fine at work, but family life is very bad. Or vice versa. Since it is vital for a person to have the highest possible self-esteem, sooner or later he chooses and attaches the greatest importance to those spheres of existence that give him the opportunity for self-realization and do not contain contradictions that are difficult for him to resolve. Therefore, one considers work to be the most important thing in life, another lives more for his family, and the third is not interested in anything at all except his personal plot. In addition, there are areas without proper attention to which human life is impossible. For example, in order to have food, clothing, and generally be a normal member of society, a person must earn money - therefore this area always remains significant for most people. The same can be said about sex, communication, maintaining health. However, some enjoy and fulfill themselves in the “process itself” - that is, they like to increase capital or engage in health practices. Then this part of their life becomes the main one. Most people have several most important areas of existence - usually family, children, as well as friends, work, financial and social status, and so on. In addition, in our lives there are categories that, in the normal course of events, we take for granted. This is, first of all, health, as well as peace in the country, availability of housing, and security. That is, we somehow do not admire the wonderful fact that drinking water flows from the taps, the radiators are heated, there is no shooting in the streets, and peace awaits us at home! Until these most important areas of our lives require investment of effort, we do not notice them. But problems in them, if they arise, quickly demonstrate to a person how insignificant all his ambitions, claims and the like are, which only yesterday seemed to be the main thing! . It is clear that when a fundamental part of life is destroyed for any reason, a person experiences grief. It doesn’t matter what exactly this part is - a beloved dog or a solid account in a foreign bank. In both cases, it hurts a person’s psyche and health. This also includes the case when a person suffers bitterly from the regular exacerbation of old problems. This happens if a person was once forced to accept living conditions that were unsatisfactory for him, to compromise. For example, instead of the prince of the groom who seems to be a 20-year-old bride, after a while the woman sees next to her an irresponsible reveler, but he is already the father of her children. Or a student who dreamed of a career becomes a housewife 10 years later. I think everyone can give their own example. These compromises arise as a result of the destruction of an area that is significant to a person. The fact that it continues to torment a person means that he is still at some stage of its experience. In this case, it is very useful to determine what this stage is and be sure to understand whether the person is stuck at one of them. And finally, we are all forced to experience simply different milestones in our lives. People grow old, lose their attractiveness, their children, growing up, leave home or, on the contrary, bring a stranger into the house, and so on. Such difficulties also require perseverance from us and surviving them is no easier than any other sad event. Often, the inability to cope with precisely such problems spoils a person’s character, depriving him of peace and joy in life. The first period is the period of denial. "..How can this be... How could this happen.... Is it really impossible now to turn back, to fix everything.... Well, why does everything have to be exactly like this, why couldn’t it be different. God, how It would be wonderful then, how good, it turns out, my life was, how stupid, it turns out, I was, not understanding this.. Lord, give me back at least a day from yesterday, so wonderful, amazingreality. And now I don't know what to do. Everything has lost its meaning, I don’t want the next day to come. Time has stopped for me. I'm afraid of tomorrow. I don't want to live with this. "What happens to a person when trouble finally overtakes him? In a significant, most important part of his life, he suddenly has insoluble problems. For example, a spouse left, he was fired from his job, it became known that a child started a bad company... or something happened - even more terrible. You never know what happens in our difficult life. Usually, immediately after a difficult event in life, a person for some time is simply unable to accept this blow, to admit the obvious. In addition to a severe loss, trouble often brings with it a change in social life. the status of a person, the lifestyle associated with him, his social circle, and so on. A person becomes simply afraid to enter a different reality now, to take on a new social role. At this moment it becomes so difficult for him that he does not want to live, thoughts arise. about suicide. This period - a period of reluctance to admit the presence of an insoluble or very difficult to resolve contradiction - can last less than a minute, or can last for years. This can be a reaction of the body, sometimes resulting in a mental illness such as amnesia or loss of emotional sensitivity. And it happens that a person, as they say, hides his head in the sand - for example, a mother does not want to admit that her child has serious problems with the psyche or drugs. This situation is fraught not only with lost time. Subconsciously realizing that trouble has already happened and sooner or later it will manifest itself in a formidable manifestation, a person begins to live under the pressure of constant fear, he loses self-confidence, his will is suppressed. Just do not confuse a really serious problem with numerous, often vain, fears , helpfully supplied to man by his overdeveloped imagination. When real trouble happens, no matter where a person runs from it, it will still sit like a sharp giant thorn in his soul, causing suffering and opening the wound with every movement. So sooner or later the situation will escalate to the limit, something will happen that will be the “last straw”. The second period is the recognition of what happened. Compensation. How to live on. I will never get back the past. it's all over and it will never happen again. How cruel and unfair this is. I don't want to think about the future. How bad I feel. Someone help me... Maybe I should eat something... I need to go out into the air, maybe this will distract me somehow.... When a person finally admits that trouble has come, the next one begins period of grief. The first thing a person gets when he looks reality in the eye is, alas, severe stress. If we extremely simplify all the complex reactions that occur at this moment in the human body, then the main ones will be two mutually exclusive processes. On the one hand, reacting to the contradictions that now exist in its life, the body begins to release biologically active substances, that is, to become saturated with the energy necessary to solve the problem. But neither the conscious nor the subconscious know how to react to the situation, so physiological inhibition is activated, paralyzing the entire body. This is how our physiology works; these reactions are genetically fixed. They helped our animal ancestors survive danger and retain strength to fight back or escape when the situation became clearer. That is, in this case everything is seething for a person, but he is not capable of any action. It's like a boiling cauldron with a clogged valve... Not every heart can withstand such a load. Therefore, the subconscious takes on the work of overcoming the situation. Man, after all, is the pinnacle of evolution. We have many protective mechanisms that are activated automatically. For example, tears, sobs, and maybe screaming and swearing help to expend excess energy at the first moment of encountering grief. BecauseIt is very dangerous for the body to continue to exist under stress conditions; another way out is not consciously sought. This way out is turning to another sphere of existence, in which a person does not have intractable problems. Figuratively speaking, a person remains like a boiler with a faulty operating valve, but there are other ways for the steam to escape. Some chores, extraneous conversations, sometimes just a walk help you not to dwell on your troubles. The subconscious, by the way, strives to push tormenting questions out of your head. This is a defensive reaction. But often people, with their subtle psyche, good memory and developed imagination, almost deliberately allow themselves to be distracted from what happened. It is useful to know that neurosis occurs in a person not so much as a result of any event, but rather from constant “twisting” of oneself. Although at this moment the other extreme is possible - to avoid solving the problem, to forget about it. That is, having looked trouble in the face once, again run away somewhere, leave, evade responsibility - just so as not to make any effort to resolve the situation. For example, often the compensation area becomes, as you already understand, the bottle. Alcohol in general really disinhibits and helps relieve tension. And, if a person only drinks once, it does not seem dangerous. But this path is fraught. Firstly, in some situations you can do something stupid. And most importantly, the problem does not disappear and after a while it again pierces the soul with the same force. But now the subconscious has already found a way to respond - with a new bottle. Moreover, the method is universal for any trouble. It turns out to be a vicious circle, from which some people never manage to break out. Psychological dependence on alcohol and drugs is actually more serious than physical dependence. The third period is aggressiveness. Why me? Why do I need this? Why did this happen to me? How can I communicate with people now? It seems to me that everyone looks at me and understands that I am now not like them. Everything is fine with them, but I am flawed, because this happened to me. I'm afraid to talk to people. How could they do such a mean thing to me? How dare they look at me like that. I will punish them. I will avenge myself. I have to do something. Although a person has already “spent the night with trouble,” the thorn continues to sit firmly in the soul and rule his life. Trouble always sharply lowers a person’s level of existence in the most important area for him. This state when everything is bad for you, while for others everything is the same, gives rise to aggressiveness. Aggression can be directed by a person towards himself, that is, trouble is perceived by the person as his fault. A person develops a feeling of inferiority, which fundamentally undermines faith in oneself, one’s strengths and capabilities. This, for example, often happens to abandoned women. It's very dangerous to get stuck in this. If this condition is not overcome, then, in the end, it can cause depression, neurosis, and somatic diseases. Here it is necessary to understand that such a feeling of guilt is nothing more than indulging one’s own fear of life. There is nothing more harmful and destructive than humiliating yourself, your essence, the closest and dearest thing you have. Analyze what happened, draw the necessary conclusions for yourself, try to become wiser and change for the better - this is what you need to do with yourself. Survive, since it so happened, this difficult experience. And you can and should be proud of the fact that you persevered and did not lose yourself in difficult times. Popular wisdom says that “for a beaten man, they give two unbeaten men.” A person with a more impenetrable psyche always strives to maintain a fairly high self-esteem; he directs his aggressiveness towards others. To take revenge, to kill, to hurt someone as well - this is the motive that now occupies his attention. In order to avoid the feeling of his own inferiority, the individual would like to make the whole world just as unhappy; he wants everyone he meetshumiliate, punish! This is a dangerous period. In September, for example, a Japanese unemployed man started waving a knife on the subway and injured 8 people. This is how he took revenge for his dismissal. Or a popular plot for videos and TV series: first someone cheated on someone, then the victim of deception kills the offender or rival or both! In this period of aggressiveness, a person can also get stuck. Sometimes revenge becomes a new, compensating for the lost, sphere of existence - this plot is usually not missed by any soap opera, where there is always a villain who, out of envy, plots against the glorious heroine. The blood feud common in the Caucasus is from the same series. But in everyday life, everything usually happens not so romantic and tragic. The character simply changes, the person begins to find fault with everyone, does not miss the opportunity to make a remark, say nasty things or ruin everyone’s mood. His life is subordinated to a single motive - to lower the standard of living of those around him in some way; this is the only way he feels like a human being, even for a second. However, to be happy and satisfied with life, a person needs to live in an atmosphere of love and understanding. Therefore, in the normal course of events, the experience of grief moves into the next stage. The fourth period is rehearsal, re-living. I didn’t want this to happen. But it happened. I was so scared, so hard. I have to tell you everything I experienced. Maybe you will be interested. No, don’t look at me crying, please don’t interrupt me. Now you’re laughing, but I wasn’t laughing. When a person has already gotten a little used to his grief and has let off steam, the third stage begins - the stage of talking through, reliving the situation again and again. A person needs to tell and share his grief with others. This is necessary for his recovery. By reliving the situation over and over again, he makes it no longer so traumatic. Just as a joke heard three times no longer makes you laugh, so a grief told several times no longer seems so terrible. Speaking figuratively, a person, as it were, blunts the sharp edges of a splinter sitting in his soul. The pain remains, but it ceases to be so painful. At this moment, a person needs a sympathetic interlocutor who not only shares his experiences with him, but also holds him above the abyss of despair from which he has just emerged. In addition, by retelling his misfortune to another, a person seems to relieve himself of guilt and responsibility for what happened to him. He doesn't want to be ashamed of his condition anymore. He is preparing to enter a new life without the burden of guilt and feelings of inferiority that grief could bestow upon him. Man again becomes equal among equals. The ability to share our experiences with others is so important to us that there have always been institutions specifically designed for this. This, for example, is the duty prescribed to us by the church to regularly confess. In the USA there is a huge staff of psychoanalysts who, first of all, simply listen to their patients. In our country, this role is usually played by friends. By the way, the extent to which a person is able to share other people’s experiences and take responsibility for helping someone else’s grief largely determines his human value. Those who are not capable of this often complain that they are not valued, not loved, only want money from them, and so on. Well, those who do not know how to give warmth and understanding to their neighbors are forced to support their loved ones in some other way, for example financially. Otherwise, no one will really need you... Some people should think about this. But let's continue. Sometimes the retelling of troubles itself is so exciting that you can get stuck in this period. After all, after a difficult experience, the person finally felt better. He sees no prospects for himself ahead, but now he is surrounded by sympathy and love. At some point, the individual should regain independence, but this does not happen. Life requires overcoming oneself, but there is neither the strength nor the desire to do this. Therefore, a person refuses to fight and slides down to the level of an individual livingat the expense of someone else's energy. Only by complaining about life does he feel at least some satisfaction - that is, he uses grief just like a beggar who demonstrates his disability. However, such people really need support. For them, you need to try to create a new, emotionally rich sphere of life. A new job, participation in charity events, helping even more disadvantaged people - this is where their energy needs to be directed. If this is difficult to achieve, ask them for help in what they are good at doing. This can become an impetus for a person to increase his self-esteem, and therefore to believe in himself and his strength. Fifth period - transformation and new birth How much time has passed. Is it really so little? It seems to me that years have passed, and I have become a hundred years older. I completely forgot that tomorrow is the last day when the discount is still valid. God, did I really care about such little things? How stupid I was. No, now I don’t want to go there at all. I’d better find her.. How I missed her, how I missed her calm prudence and wisdom. Really, for me to understand this, this had to happen to me..... How bitter it is. You can't live in the past. Sooner or later, a person must gain enough strength to get back on his feet. The next period begins when the individual learns to live independently with his misfortune. Now the task is - instead of a wounding, terrible thorn, which was the misfortune at first, to create a new, useful part of oneself. After all, in any contradiction there is always potential for further development. Thus, you need to look at the problem as an opportunity for self-improvement. Although sometimes it can be very difficult. Let's get a little philosophical. Believers talk about problems - God sent a test. He probably does this not out of malice, but pursues the goal of teaching an unreasonable person something, giving him some kind of spiritual knowledge. If we take the doctrine of karma, then troubles are considered as punishment for the sins of past lives. And this is also not just “revenge”, but directing a person on the right path. If we greatly simplify what is asserted by modern teachers of spirituality, it turns out that a person himself, even before birth, plans his life. But it does not come from those earthly goals, which we then spend our entire lives not particularly successfully achieving. The soul needs to evolve and develop in order to reach a higher level of existence. She already knows which particular quality of herself needs to be slightly improved, and chooses for herself exactly those troubles that will help with this. And so life after life until the soul reaches the required condition. And the carnal desires that accompany earthly life and the freedom of choice given to us are necessary so that there are contradictions, there is a struggle, otherwise what kind of development will it be? However, life is much more complex than any far-fetched schemes. If a person feels bad, he just needs to be helped, and not speculate about what sins of past lives caused this to happen to him. Our human essence lies in the ability to compassion, in the sincere desire to help a person in trouble. And then, who knows, whether a person suffers because of his sins or in order to give the opportunity for self-improvement to those who are now next to him. By the way, according to the same scheme that a true individual is instructed on the path, an entire nation is also instructed. Just as liver cells suffer due to gluttony caused by the brain, innocent people suffer due to the ambitions of politicians. Their suffering calls on the entire people to turn to other values. By the way, the stages of experiencing grief are the same for an individual and an entire nation...And an entire nation can get stuck in self-deprecation or complaints about life. In any case, it will not contradict common sense to say that grief must be endured to the end, gain the necessary experience and, as a result, become wiser and stronger. The acquired experience from a memory that takes away strength should be transformed into a deeper understanding of life, wisdom, and perseverance. In thata new stage of experiencing grief begins. This is the longest period. As Nietzsche said: “Everything that does not break me strengthens me.” It happens that this stage continues for the rest of your life. Thus, a terminally ill person, after a long painful treatment, a period of fear and despair, finally overcomes himself and in his last days enjoys the peace and love of loved ones. They say that if a person can face death with dignity, he will rid his family of disease. There can be many paths to finding yourself again. Sometimes a person is faced with an almost insurmountable problem, but still continues to solve it. There are many examples when, in the most hopeless situation, a person still achieved his goal. For example, a paralyzed person begins to walk again, the mother, with extraordinary attention and care, cancels the doctors’ diagnosis, and so on. The biographies of most great people began with the overcoming of some difficult barriers. However, in real life, a person sometimes incorrectly calculates his strength, which entails disappointment and, again, a very difficult experience. If you have taken on a very difficult task, be patient and be aware of the extraordinary difficulty of achieving the goal. It is also useful to know that the inability to give up an absolutely unrealistic goal is, in fact, a disease. Thus, unrequited love in the most hopeless case can cause severe depression, or even suicide. It happens that no amount of effort can return to a person what was lost, as in the case of the death of a loved one. Or returning to the past no longer makes sense: in case of family breakdown, loss of an interesting job, separation, and so on. Then a person’s efforts should be aimed at maintaining health, personal significance, dignity and self-respect. Thus, an abandoned woman, who, immediately after breaking up, withdrew into herself, was afraid to appear in front of someone she knew, and put all her strength only into getting her loved one back, after a few years she is proud that she was able to survive, not lose the respect of her children, and gain independence and self-confidence . By the way, it often happens that it is a break with her husband that becomes an incentive for a woman to build her own career. It is important to understand that even a very difficult experience can always teach you something. Don’t isolate yourself in your grief, learn to play with dignity the new role life offers you, no matter how difficult and humiliating it may seem to you. Look for or create your place in this life, improving everything in yourself that prevents you from occupying it. In some circumstances, it is worth finding a new area of ​​life worthy of your level, even if no one else needs it except you. I know a case when, in order not to lose herself, a housewife began teaching her neighbor’s daughter English for free, and now she earns more than her husband with lessons. Engaging in creative work or acquiring new knowledge helps a person remain himself, despite any external circumstances. Many people turn to religion or other spiritual practices during a difficult period in their lives. There is, of course, a danger of meeting unscrupulous people, but still, usually such treatment is healing for a person. It is religion that often helps to understand what lesson a person should learn from the misfortune that befell him. Well, what if not spiritual practices (there are plenty of them now, from yoga and Zen to the development of holistic thinking or the school of fast reading) help a person evolve and acquire new life goals. The main thing is not to lose freedom of thought, the ability to love and trust people, no matter the trials. A person who has experienced grief must acquire perseverance, wisdom and condescension towards loved ones, and not bitterness and self-deprecation. Only in this case can a person again find peace, joy and satisfaction with life. And enter the next, perhaps the best period of your life. However, you can get stuck in this period too. Moreover, it is he who is the mostinsidious. A person stuck at this stage does not understand at all what is wrong with him? Let us remember that the time has come for a person, as it were, to be “born again” with new, useful experience. But birth is not easy work. And many never succeed; they stop halfway. That is, a person leaves part of his personality unmanifested and does not fully realize himself. And then this “not quite born” person simply replaces the concept of “to be” with the concept of “to seem.” He himself does not understand whether he is good or evil, honest or deceitful, callous or compassionate. But he knows how to appear honest, or kind, or compassionate. That is, he knows what he “should” be, but does not know what he is. However, he sincerely believes that “to look” means “to be”! But he begins to be a little afraid of himself, afraid of suddenly discovering his true feelings. And not even because these feelings are not good, but because they scare him! He has to hide behind stereotypes, hypocrisy and lies to himself! However, in doing so, he makes one huge mistake. He has no idea how well others see his game! He only deceives himself. His loved ones, colleagues, co-workers - everyone around him is well aware of the real motives of his actions! He thinks that people judge him by his actions, and people judge him by what was his inner motivation. He believes that he does good deeds, but those around him call him evil, he is ready to help, but they don’t trust him, he is ready to pass on his experience, but no one wants to listen to him! Only the other one can clearly see even the speck in his eye! The sixth period is the period of expanding my experience. If this had not happened then, I would have continued to live like this. And now my past friends seem like big children to me. However, I understand them, I was the same myself. I am completely different now. I made new friends. Working at the club, I now help those who find themselves in the same situation. I am happy that I am now able to truly help them.. I now meet with her often. After so many years of enmity, we again value each other very much. I am quite calm and satisfied with my life. This stage is that after coping with adversity, gaining strength and wisdom, a person expands his experience and helps others. Thus, mothers who lost their children in Afghanistan work in the committee of soldiers’ mothers to help other people’s children. Disabled athletes help others like them to play sports and not become isolated in their disability. And those who have overcome alcohol addiction organize a society of anonymous alcoholics for those who need help. Of course, large-scale achievements are not necessary. But the strength and wisdom acquired by a person make him able to help those who are now weaker and in need of support. But doesn’t human happiness lie in being in demand? You just need to understand that the commandment “Love your neighbor as yourself” reflects the basis of our human essence. We can only be happy by giving our love. There is no point in following this principle by overpowering yourself - it won’t work. It’s just that everything that happens to a person ultimately leads him to accept this commandment, which reflects the difference between man and animal, into his soul, his life. True, this is realized in different people very differently. One, having experienced grief, turns to God, devoting his life to prayers for the happiness of his neighbors and helping the disadvantaged. And the other is building a powerful business structure, in the organization of which he embodies his commitment to the principles of goodness, justice and care for people. Well, you can simply live, feeling a moral core in your soul, which, like the strongest support, helps you believe in yourself, in people, in the possibility of happiness! The main thing is that life and new activities should not only be useful to others, but also bring peace and satisfaction to the person himself. If you already have your own experience of experiencing difficulties, it may also be useful to someone. The one who could.