From the author: About emotional dependence and mature relationships “He who loves, knows to the end, he who knows to the end, loves.” (E. Fromm) Relationships between people who at some point experienced mutual feelings go through various stages: 1. falling in love is the joy of similarity2. disappointment - pain from differences, desire to change a partner, separation3. intimacy based on pros and cons - “mature love”. How to understand in what direction your relationship is developing? Living to some extent with the aspirations of a loved one is normal. However, if the positive emotions experienced by a lover begin to depend only on the partner, and his own needs and desires are repressed, he himself becomes uncomfortable (doubts, fears, a feeling of discomfort, “mayata”). At this moment (or better before it), it’s worth thinking about whether you really wanted such a relationship, what could have been done differently? Remember the well-known dilemma when you had to choose a place for a comma in the phrase “Execution cannot be pardoned”? An identical task must be solved by those who are depleted by dependence in relationships, gradually leading to the destruction of the union. It is only necessary to put the mentioned punctuation mark in the expression “being together cannot be separated.” In the case of “to be together, you can’t part,” we are most likely talking about the merger of partners, whose existence separately is almost impossible. Whereas the option “you can’t be together, you can’t break up” can be interpreted in two ways: either the relationship is approaching inevitable collapse, or one of the partners prefers to retreat without trying to establish contact with the once loved one. Meanwhile, the essence of these polar situations is the same: a person has stopped living with his feelings, understanding his condition, but at the same time has not been imbued with the partner’s worldview. Signs that indicate emotional dependence: It is impossible to bear when the partner is not around (he is busy with business, hobbies, communication with friends) – experiences from sadness and melancholy to panic, Thinking takes on a black and white coloring, either everything is “good” or “bad”. The desire to shift responsibility for oneself (one’s decisions, choices, actions) to a partner or, on the contrary, to take on oneself all responsibility for him, In a conflict, the desire to take all the blame on oneself or blame the partner for everything, Idealization of a companion, ignoring his negative traits. Constant desire to change a partner. Mutual or unilateral control with endless demands. The lives of partners are so intertwined that it is difficult to distinguish between one’s own desires and feelings from partners are difficult. There is a need to hide your true feelings, not to voice requests - for fear of being rejected. Manipulation of a companion, the desire to make him feel guilty. Changing roles in relationships: pursuer - rescuer - victim. Fear of expressing your true feelings, because afraid of being rejected, Inability to ask for what you want, Few or no personal hobbies that are not related or do not intersect with the hobbies and interests of the partner. Difficult to be alone with oneself, Seeks the attention and approval of a partner in order to feel good. All one’s own energy directed towards the companion, focused on the happiness of others. Features of a healthy relationship: Partners hear each other and know how to negotiate. Each partner sees himself separately from the other - hears his own thoughts and feelings separate from his partner, realizes what he wants, does what he wants. Even after a while, partners care and look after each other .Each partner respects the thoughts, feelings, values, hobbies, personal affairs and time of the other, although he may not share them - he recognizes his difference, otherness, treats his shortcomings as peculiarities. There are moments of intimacy and fusion, but there are moments of withdrawal from each other from a friend, great trust in the partner: everyone has their own personal life (hobbies, interests, communication with friends). Everyone has their own responsibilities. In relationships there is ease, play (playing out minor troubles, fooling around, sexual games, etc.) Each partner is responsible