Psychological abuse can be hidden and not as noticeable as a black eye. But that doesn't make it any less damaging to mental health. Therefore, it is extremely important to know its forms in order to more easily resist. Photo by Daniel Lonn on Unsplash When a mother tells her child “I won’t talk to you,” this is taken very seriously. A feeling of guilt sets in (“what did I do wrong?”), and one becomes anxious and lonely. It seems that it would be better for my mother to scream and put her in a corner, but she just didn’t start to remain silent. And there is no idea how long this boycott will last and what can be done to stop it. In adult life (with a partner, loved ones) everything is the same. Instead of dialogue there is silence or avoidance of the topic, and tension hangs in the air. After such a conversation, you are left with a feeling of devastation and helplessness. Withholding is a form of passive aggression in which your partner deviates from normal constructive communication with you. The "withholder" may have different motives - to hide real aggression under passive aggression, to avoid a difficult conversation, or to punish you in this way. Photo by Obie Fernandez on Unsplash Examples of withholding: Take the conversation aside. They seem to have answered your question, but they didn’t answer it at the same time. - What did you do last night? - You know, you’re so tired and it’s been such a difficult week . I wish I could rest.. By the way, we wanted to discuss vacation, remember? “Come on, you’re wound up...” Devaluation of emotions. You are accused that your emotions are inappropriate, unwanted and the situation is not worth it at all. - Your joke offended me. - Come on, you're exaggerating. Everyone had fun. “Let's talk later?” You want to discuss an important topic, but your partner constantly postpones the conversation until later, and this “later” never comes. - Let's talk about children. I want a child, and you? - Listen, let’s not talk about this now... We’ll finish the repairs, buy a car, change jobs and then discuss it. Laugh it off - I’m worried that we’ll soon have to pay the mortgage, but the money is almost gone. Maybe we can talk about finding a job? - Don’t worry, you can always sell your kidney :) Silence or withdrawal You try to talk or express your opinion, to which your partner reacts with silence. Either he is busy with something (“sitting” on the phone, turning up the music louder, doing something at the same time) or leaving (he urgently needs to call, just goes to another room). Or he suddenly “gets sick” and it’s your fault - “Well, my head hurts just from how stuffy you are...” Why is withholding dangerous? It all depends on the type of attachment, emotional stability, level of anxiety, “strength” personal boundaries. For some, the reaction will be “Well, shut up, I didn’t really want to.” But for another person, this type of passive aggression will be very painful. A search for a reason will begin within oneself, attempts to ask for forgiveness for all sins, just to return to the previous relationship. A person who is constantly subjected to emotional abuse, over time, begins to devalue himself, his feelings and desires. The partner broadcasts: You are not there, your feelings are not important, there is nothing to talk about. In relationships, because of withholding, resentment accumulates, because... problems are not solved, but are hushed up. What to do? Say directly that you are “not OK,” ask direct questions and indicate your intentions. “I noticed that you are avoiding discussing this topic. What’s the matter?” “I feel it.” “that you are not yet ready to discuss this problem, but as soon as this happens, I am waiting for you to talk.” Use I-messages. Instead of “you are silent, a scoundrel and a manipulator,” say about your feelings: “When you go away from the topic about our future plans, I feel vulnerable and unloved. Let's find a way to discuss this issue?” Find the best way to communicate If you find it difficult to express your emotions out loud, try writing messages or letters to each other. If your partner does not respond to your calls, then for the sake of your psychological well-being, you can always step back and leave such a relationship. And then start strengthening your.