From the author: The article was published on my blog “Thinking errors or conversations for awareness.” My Teacher once told me: “A book is not an instruction, a book is a reason for thinking . A book is a hint, a door that you can open and find yourself at home.” I. Kalinauskas An interesting feature, we all KNOW how to behave, what and how BETTER to say (read “correctly”). And if we find in articles confirmation of our “correctness”, our knowledge, we say that this is a good article. She's right. But what happens in reality? Are we really doing what we think is “right”, or do we just think so? Do you think that if you are given a task: to observe a situation, analyze it, track automatic thoughts, stop them and draw a conclusion from the situation, you will be able to see whether you are following your “correct” or is it just knowledge without experience? And yet, will you try, or will you immediately refuse the task, saying: “No, I always do this, why check?” The most valuable thing in such a task is to make YOUR own discovery of the “correct” one, to gain experience from your own personal experience. So, homework for a participant in the “Development of Conscious Attention” course group: ***Situation: My wife cooked millet porridge, as she always cooks, liquid with milk. I ate it for breakfast yesterday, but today I stayed, I refused. And he refused like this: “I don’t want it, it’s liquid. Do you remember when we lived with our parents, my father cooked porridge in the oven on Saturdays! Yellow, crumbly! The wife replied: “But you have to tinker with the oven, but now they sell porridge in bags - just pour it over with milk, and it’s ready.” Analysis of the situation: It was obvious here - one is talking about one thing, the other is talking about another, plus manipulation. Now I’ll explain how I see it. I didn't say outright that I don't like thin porridge in general, not just today. He mentioned this only indirectly. He compared her with her father - this is manipulation. I don’t doubt her culinary abilities, but I said that to make it clear that I like it. My wife seemed to understand that I don’t like this kind of porridge, but she doesn’t really want to cook something that I don’t like. Automatic thoughts: They don’t understand me, they don’t want to think about me, they don’t want to do anything for me, etc. and so on. Conclusions: I tracked the situation, I was also able to stop my thoughts, but the sediment remained. I didn’t get what I wanted - porridge cooked the way I like it. That's probably why. I knew that my wife always cooks such porridge. If I really wanted crumbly porridge, I would have said in advance, when my wife was getting ready to cook it: “I don’t like this kind of porridge, don’t cook it for me.” It should also be noted that my wife hardly eats porridge, and will not cook for herself personally. One more moment. My wife cooks porridge as if for me, i.e. she asks: “Let me cook for you.” But she knows that I don’t really like this kind of porridge, I can eat it once (I’m not picky). But the fact that I can’t eat it all the time, as I understand it, doesn’t dawn on me? Or does he guess? And then he gets offended: “I’m trying for you!” Isn’t the fact that you don’t particularly like the product the most important thing? Therefore, the conclusion is: in order to do it right, you need to say directly from the very beginning what you need. Then there will be no manipulation either on my part or on her part. Tatyana: Not so that it is “right,” but in order for you to be comfortable with each other, you need to say what you want and feel, without denial, without comparison, on equal terms. In general, you are great! Participant: Well, yes, that is. I wanted to say that everyone gets what they want, for example, I - although less often, but cooked porridge (or something else) as I like and a grateful feeling for my wife, and the wife - a feeling of satisfaction from her care . And then it turns out neither this nor that. Both are unsatisfied. No, Tatyana, it’s not that well done, it’s good for me myself - I unraveled one knot and understood what was better, and my mood immediately lifted. *** Do you think the participant knew before what would be better to do, what would be better to say? Of course I knew, but