From the author: Indeed, why are they so “harmful”? It seems that many parents have this problem and have already become the talk of the town. It might look, for example, like this: a mother, talking to a friend who came to visit, says that it’s time to go outside for a walk. He walks around the apartment for a while, collecting his thoughts, then picks up children's street clothes, approaches his 2-year-old daughter and tries to start dressing her. The girl, even in the first moments of her mother’s touch, arches up, slips onto the floor, and either cries angrily or runs away, depending on her mood. If this had happened 30 years ago, the further scenario would apparently have been as follows: the girl would have received a couple of slaps, several shouts, an angry “Aren’t you ashamed to behave like this!” Over time, the girl would break down, realizing that it is more expensive to resist herself, the psyche would “turn off” bodily sensitivity, the energy of negative emotions that her mother forbade to show would go into bodily blocks. A few years later, my mother would tell her acquaintances that “the girl is kind of shackled, squeezed.” But since we live in the relatively advanced 21st century, most parents no longer really want to use violence against their children. Therefore, in our story, the mother remains at a loss: “Well, how should I behave with her?” Some parents who firmly practice the principle of non-violence complain: “It takes us several hours to get dressed, but what can we do – we’re so old!” In the process of dressing like this, the child manages to get distracted by a lot of things, run around the apartment many times, play, and between all this, distracting the daughter or son, the mother manages to either put on a sleeve or pull on a trouser leg. And if you're lucky, the child will allow it. Other parents don’t have such strong nerves, the mother endures it for a while, persuades her, then she can’t stand it, frantically shouts something like: “You’re going to get on my nerves for a long time, I can’t do it anymore!” Then the child cries, then both feel guilty, the mother feels sorry for the child, the child calms down on the mother’s chest. Some manage to come up with some kind of ritual to distract the child, for example, getting dressed while reading a book, or watching TV, or dressing a doll at the same time, but this does not always help. But what to do? But still, why are children so “harmful”? And you put yourself in their place. And try this experiment: ask your friend or spouse to suddenly approach you without warning (preferably from behind) and start putting something on or taking off for you. And listen to your body. How do you feel at the first moment, at the second, at the third? Anger and a desire to punch in response to an unexpected invasion? Freezing and fear? Submission to an unrelenting fate (since you were most likely broken in childhood)? (By the way, if you do an experiment with an unexpected touch with a man who served in a real army, you may end up with a forceful response). So what am I saying - but to the fact that the child’s reaction in this situation is absolutely natural and logical. This has nothing to do with being “harmful”! Many parents, especially those who complain about problems with dressing, do just that - without warning they come up from behind and do some manipulations. An unexpected touch is a very powerful stimulus. Do you like it when your husband suddenly pokes his finger in your back? Do you have a habit of yelping if someone suddenly grabs your shoulder? Why do you expect that the child’s psyche, which is many times more tender (albeit many times more adaptive), should endure all this without loss? And here we find out that the principle of non-violence is not yet the principle of respect and yet is not a principle of dialogue. To practice the principle of parenting with respect, check yourself sometimes when you are about to say or do something with a child - would you do the same with an adult? Why do you warn your girlfriend or husband that you want to go for a walk, instead of just grabbing her hand and dragging her outside, but the child is not there? How aboutThe principle of respect for the child’s personality in action may look like: 1. Address the child by name.2. Say what changes are coming, for example: “Now we will get dressed and go outside (for a walk, to the doctor, to the store - this is also a difference).3. Pause, try to see the child’s non-verbal reaction.4. Tell your child what he can do to cooperate with you, for example: “Come here, climb on your lap, we’ll get dressed”; or “Please give me your hand, I’ll put on the sleeve of my jacket.”5. Again a pause of 2 - 3 seconds. The child’s mental processes switch more slowly; purely physiologically, his nerves need time to process your words and trigger responses. Points 4 – and 5 can be repeated a couple of times if there is no desired reaction. If, which often happens and is normal, the child still refuses or does not pay attention to you, you do the following important thing: 6. You FIRST tell the child what you will do now and why, and only then you do it, talking through the whole process about what exactly you will do now. That is, first words, then actions! “Sunny (Nadenka, Sashenka, Kitty), we need to go outside, so I’ll now take you in my arms and put on your pants. So, first the right leg. Great, now the left leg.” And here you are gently but firmly holding the child, showing that you will do this anyway. You can even add in particularly difficult cases: “I am an adult (older), and you are a child (younger), so now I’m telling you what to do and I need you to listen to me.” And this is important! You are an adult (parent), you are responsible for the child and have the right in some situations to insist on certain actions, but it is important HOW to do this. You determine the boundaries for your child. If a child ALWAYS does only what he wants, this is a lack of boundaries and not the most useful thing for mental development. (If the boundaries are too rigid, that’s also not very good). But the principle of respect implies that you warn about what will happen and give time for the child’s nervous system to process what was said and tune in to the upcoming actions. The fact is that constant unpredictability is a strong source of anxiety for anyone of any age. And this is exactly what you create in a child’s life, without having the habit of warning him about upcoming events and actions. (And he is not a medium to “guess” things that are obvious to you, for example, about where you are going with him now). If you follow similar principles and algorithms from birth, the child’s anxiety will be much less, accordingly there will be fewer hysterics, less excitability, less hyperactivity, less whims. The first reaction of the mothers with whom I discuss this is often: “Yes, okay, they don’t understand anything yet!” And this is a deep mistake, a consequence of our still ongoing total psychological illiteracy, which, although it has become noticeably less over the past 30 years, sometimes reminds me of a bottomless pit in which even the modern Internet with all its information is drowning. Dear mothers, it has long been confirmed scientific research and practice: the child’s psyche from birth is tuned to dialogue, capable of dialogue. Are we, adults, mothers, fathers, parents ready for dialogue? Are we ready to wait for an answer? We are deceived like blind kittens by the fact that since a child does not speak, he does not understand. Yes, there is no connection here, not even a logical one. Even when the child does not yet speak in words, he speaks with body movements, facial expressions, and facial expressions, which are universal at any age and among all nations. But you need to stop for a couple of seconds, in your maternal exhaustion, and look. Children understand speech much earlier than they learn to pronounce words. Intonation is understood even before birth, words begin to be understood at about six months, and almost all everyday statements are understood at one and a half years. Watch a little more and you will see it. If you plan to raise your son or daughter as an individual, then you should treat them as an individual from the very beginning. But this does NOT mean that you yourself should stop being/