Adult children of alcoholics (ACAs) are people born and raised in families where one or both parents suffered from alcohol addiction. As a result, they have developed certain coping mechanisms and qualities to cope with the challenges of such a dysfunctional family environment. However, these very qualities can become a barrier and negatively affect their adult life. The myths about themselves and the world that they absorbed “with their mother’s milk” influence their ability to build relationships. These myths are transmitted not only verbally, but also through the smallest hints and hints, barely noticeable, which children perceive without realizing it. Here: Part-1, Part-2Myth No. 13. I've lost something important. And this will never be returned. To be honest, I don’t even really know what exactly I lost. But it is a real grief that plagues my life. Some ACAs come to the realization that they never had a safe, loving family. Others only feel it, but cannot explain it to themselves. And then these sensations look like a vague, but very strong longing for something incomprehensible. It’s like causeless deep sadness. As in Tsoi’s song, “the house is standing, the light is on, the distance is visible from the window. So where did the sadness come from? The fact is that no home, light, distance can replace close, warm relationships with loved ones. Nothing in the world can replace true parental love. Sometimes these feelings are expressed through a paradoxical state: “I’m home, but I really want to go home.” This is precisely the total lack of love and intimacy, which creates a feeling of homeliness. Because of this feeling of global loss, life often passes by. How can you enjoy some little things, participate in social movements, holidays, if your heart is broken, and Is your soul tossing about? In general, this sad moment can be leveled out if you warm up to the fact that the parental family could never become and will never become that same home. And then start creating your own home, a real one, where it’s warm and safe, where love lives. Then, this monstrous melancholy will stop taking away energy and time. Myth No. 14. No one will understand my problems. VDA most likely made some attempts to talk about what saddens and worries them. The trouble is that it is usually extremely rare for children with similar traumatic experiences to end up in the same place. Yes, all children have their own problems. But the problems of the ACA are not at all childish. And it is difficult for successful children to understand this. Therefore, there is a feeling that no one can understand what is happening to me. We are not talking about adults at all - it is not at all safe to trust your problems to strangers. This is the basic rule of addiction and codependency - keep a secret! Naturally, a child from a dysfunctional or dependent family seeks understanding less and less. And the less he looks for it, the less he finds. In addition, the illusion that the problems of a particular person are unique also plays a role. It is not customary to talk openly about the problems of dysfunctional families. Therefore, a child in such a family suffers not only from the fact that he does not receive much, but life is simply dangerous. He lives with full confidence that on the entire planet he is the only unlucky one. Imagine the surprise of the ACA when they reach the groups for the ACA, they find media persons with the same stories who run some thematic channels! Finally, ACA recognizes itself in other people. And this is a sad recognition - you wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Myth No. 15. No One Can Be TrustedParents in dysfunctional families break their own promises so often that ACAs decide that no one can be trusted. It doesn’t matter what a person says and does, you should always expect a trick from him. No matter how good and correct it may seem, at the slightest reason the ACA will immediately begin to think about the worst. The saddest thing is that such mistrust can grow out of seemingly insignificant situations, if there are many of them (not only from cases of real obvious deception). Parents in dysfunctional families themselves live indelirium: the addict does not evaluate his strength because he does not know how - he can promise “mountains of gold” and sincerely believe that he will fulfill the communication, exactly until the moment he realizes that he cannot cope with it. Then he simply throws up his hands - well, he could not , so what now? A codependent can use promises as manipulation. He may promise that he will not swear in an attempt to find out the truth, he may promise something good to persuade family members to do something they don't want, and then not fulfill the promise. He may even promise something good while disguising something , which is many times worse. Examples:Where have you been? Tell me, I promise I won’t swear! (When the truth is voiced, the codependent swears). Let's go to the store and then to the zoo? (After a tiring trip to the store, the zoo is easily canceled “because everyone is already tired.”) Come with me? I'll give you some candy. (A man distracts a child while his mother leaves the house. The child receives candy and discovers that the mother has simply disappeared). This belief takes a lot of strength from the ACA. It is extremely difficult to love those you do not trust. It is extremely difficult to be on alert all the time. It is extremely difficult to do everything alone, because no one else can handle it. Myth No. 16. You cannot defend yourself and your borders. Anyone can go too far at any time. And nothing can be done about it. In dysfunctional families, roles are often confused. Parents fail to cope with their functions, and children involuntarily begin to perform them. For example: a parent cannot cope with emotions and uses the child as an emotional container. He can simply vent his anger, or he can talk pitifully about adult problems. The child has to cope with his emotions on his own, plus somehow deal with the emotions of the parent. But normally, the picture is completely different: it is the parent who contains and accepts the child’s emotions. This is a parent, already able to manage his emotions, who gives space to children’s emotions. This fixation is just one example when the lack of boundaries creates complete insecurity in the family. Other examples are when a codependent controls children and husband, checks their personal belongings and pockets. It seems that he has reasons for this - after all, there is an addict in the family. But instead of solving the problem, the codependent simply tries to suppress it with the help of control over small things. This is extremely humiliating - after all, the codependent has already put himself above everyone else. It doesn’t occur to anyone to rummage through his things - he’s better, he can’t hide or hide something! And how often this is actually completely wrong. Many codependents themselves are dependent, not necessarily on alcohol, but sometimes on strong sedatives. They often hide money and valuables, they lie about the fact that they have nothing. And with all this, they consider themselves to have every right to control others. Another example is when a drunk parent uses violence against children, and a codependent parent cannot do anything to protect them. Sometimes it may even be that the codependent says “be patient, the father/mother has such a character!” That is, at any moment in time, literally anything can happen in such a family, there are no boundaries, no red line. You can survive in such conditions only if you accept the absence of your boundaries, as well as the fact that attempts to protect them will be punished cruelly and mercilessly. Growing up, ACAs often experience shame even when they simply need to communicate their discomfort. Any situation where they need to somehow take care of themselves is a reason for guilt. At the same time, we may not even be talking about real aggression towards other people. Instead of simply asking to close the window, the ACA will suffer for a long time from the fact that he is cold, from what others will think of him, from whether they will become angry. Myth No. 17. Having needs and desires is wrong. It is wrong to claim them. The only thing allowed is to wait for someone to guess about them. And when he takes care of me, it will be his responsibility and choice, I will only have to accept his attention and care. The usual expectations of children from dysfunctional families were so often not met, theirSo often they have been blamed for the simplest desires that ACAs learn: you can’t talk about your needs, it can cause pain. You have to pretend that you don’t need anything and don’t want anything. Unfortunately, this acting game is a cardboard decoration. Deprived of the simplest things, ACAs can have very high expectations of other people. Where a “well-fed and satisfied person” shrugs his shoulders and calmly leaves the situation, the ACA becomes hysterical. For example, a girl from a dysfunctional family assumes that the young man will meet her after work. She doesn’t say anything about it directly, doesn’t ask, doesn’t even give any hint. She is just waiting. She can say the following words to herself and her friends: “If he really loves you, he will wait without asking,” “if he is a normal man, he will meet you, it goes without saying.” When a young man does not realize this, the girl is VDA falls into total despair and disappointment, devalues ​​the young man and their entire relationship. Asking for this simple gesture of attention for such a girl seemed simply impossible. What if she gets rejected? This will be unbearably painful! And so, when expectations are not met, it is also unbearably painful. And all because a girl from a dysfunctional family does not even admit to herself how much she expects attention and care from her boyfriend. It's hard to comprehend. Because the hunger for attention and care is perennial, starting from childhood, when a child should be surrounded by parental love. The saddest thing is that other people, in principle, are not able to replace parents. Therefore, ACAs are constantly tormented by this myth. In the same situation, a healthy person would behave completely differently: The girl would ask to be met after work. She is not afraid of refusals, she is not afraid to discover that her love is not at all a fabulous unearthly spiritual connection, where each other’s desires are guessed without words. She simply has a need and can express it. The girl might not have said anything about her desire, but if her boyfriend had not guessed this desire of hers, she would not have questioned the whole relationship and the young man himself. Well, I didn’t come to meet you and didn’t come, big deal. He shows love and attention differently, the girl has enough strength to accept it. Myth No. 18. I'm having no luck. My life is complete chaos. And I can’t do anything about it. ACAs often unconsciously create slippery situations for themselves, where they need to somehow get out, where it’s tedious to avoid problems and dangers. They simply do not know how to be in situations where everything is good and calm. Since they live by logic, their unconscious simply reproduces the same situations to which they are accustomed. Emotions might suggest that something wrong is happening, that a dangerous person is nearby. But ACAs don't understand their emotions well. Moreover, they often confuse alarm signals with falling in love, with pleasure, with pleasant sensations. ACAs are convinced that they have some kind of special destiny, in which there are too many fatal things with which nothing can be done. But they usually don't even try. And if they try, they do it in inappropriate ways. For example, a man from a dysfunctional family may unsuccessfully try to improve his financial situation. But since childhood, he has become accustomed to the fact that there are no boundaries, you cannot talk about your needs, you must endure difficulties silently and steadfastly. All this, time after time, leads him to jobs where his boundaries are violated and his diligence is taken advantage of. Experiencing a lot of stress, the man quickly gets tired of the next job and simply quits. As a result, his entire work book is in the records, he does not have any documents confirming his competencies, he has no other evidence that he is a professional in his field. And that’s all because from his youth he was busy enduring bad attitudes towards himself, and then could not stand it. For this reason, he himself is afraid to undergo interviews in more serious places - he is worried that they will look at him as a dubious subject. But despite all this, he: 8-918-253-73-83