From the author: another conversation from the project “Meeting yourself, meeting another” My reader and her friends asked me this question in a letter. The question seemed to me very relevant and interesting for young girls, so I will try to answer it with pleasure. I will begin my answer with this thesis: we must not look for a husband or boyfriend - we must look for God’s will! These words are often said by priests or nuns during catechism classes dedicated to relations between the sexes. Sometimes, after hearing them, girls feel disappointed: “Well, this is such a “hot”, one might say, painful practical question from life - and here it is again about God’s will! ... If only they could tell you exactly how and where to look for it! ... "In fact, searching for God's will does not at all exclude the establishment of a good relationship with a guy, and over time, marriage. The Kingdom of Heaven does not at all oppose itself to our earthly life with its needs. The Lord Jesus Himself tells us: “Seek first the kingdom of God - everything else will be given to you... For the Lord God knows what you need.” What conclusions can we draw from these words? First, it turns out that God “in the know” of our desire to find a good guy, start a strong family, love and be loved. Moreover, He has nothing against these desires, because love between spouses is a type of His love for the Church. In other words, God sees holiness in the love between a guy and a girl. It was as a path to holiness that He created these relationships. Secondly, God tells us what to do so that the beauty of relationships between the sexes blossoms “in full force.” He says that, first of all, we must seek Him and His Kingdom, and it is on this foundation that we build relationships with guys (for guys, with girls). What does this search mean, and how does it manifest itself in our daily lives? First and very important business is, of course, prayer. There are many texts of prayers for the future husband (wife). Everyone can choose to their own taste, and, through constancy in this prayer, give their future, their love and family happiness into the hands of the Lord. That way, when you finally meet the person you want to spend your life with, both he and your future marriage will have been prayed for, receiving mercy from the Lord. But prayer is not everything. God desires to cooperate with man to build His Kingdom in everyone's heart. God “stands on the threshold and knocks.” Our job is to open the door of our lives and hearts to Him. We must seek the Kingdom of God within ourselves. It seems to me that a person goes to the Kingdom of God when he develops, strives to become better, improves in a variety of directions: deepens his spiritual life; strengthens in some moral standards; develops physically, intellectually, professionally, etc. In other words, a person goes to the Kingdom of God when he tries as fully as possible to discover in himself the image of God that was placed in him by the Lord. As a result, we see an adult, interesting, versatile person who loves and respects himself and others, who is not afraid to be herself and feel proud that God created her the way she is. It is pleasant and interesting to communicate with such a person, regardless of whether he is a guy or a girl, you want to be friends with him, to establish strong relationships. At the same time, maturity implies one more thing - openness to other people, to events, in a word, to yourself life. In the spiritual dimension, it is openness to God's will. Therefore, a person who really strives to build the Kingdom of God in his heart is most often active in life: he has many interests, he goes to many places, participates in various events, including being interested in the life of his parish, perhaps belongs to some movements and groups, meets many people, etc. (it is clear that the type described here is rather arbitrary, without taking into account character, temperament, inclinations, but the general vector is approximately the same). Paradoxically, for such people it is reallyFor mature adults, falling in love, loving, creating a family is only one of the possible paths to happiness on earth and in eternity. It is clear that for almost any person love and family life are very important. However, I want to introduce you to another type of personality (most often these are girls), which is at the opposite pole from adulthood and maturity. We can call such a girl a “boyfriend (husband) hunter.” What does it look like externally? The “hunter” has only one thought, one goal: she is looking for a “victim” - a guy. To this end, she strives to attract the attention of the opposite sex as much as possible: sometimes through immodest clothing, behavior, communication, etc. In a church environment, the “hunter” may lack vulgarity, but there is always what the guys call a “hungry look” - a look in which there is always one question: “is he not he?” I’ll tell you, girls, one big secret: guys They always feel this kind of attitude towards them very well, and cannot tolerate it. However, no one likes to feel like a victim being hunted. Therefore, the guys always try to escape from the “hunters”. This is the best case scenario. And at worst, they take advantage of this position of the girl, start a relationship with her with the goal, for example, of getting sexual contact, and then disappear, turning the “hunter” into a victim. The “hunter,” however, has a very important reason for this behavior: without “ she doesn’t feel like a full-fledged person with her boyfriend - that’s why we say that this type of personality is the opposite of maturity. To a large extent, this attitude towards oneself is formed by the mass media, according to which, if you don’t have a boyfriend, you are somehow different, inferior, etc. The mass media is often joined by the opinions of friends, acquaintances, and at times, when the girl is already old enough, even the attitude of her parents: “How is it, you’re already 25, and you’re not going to get married? We are already expecting grandchildren.” Therefore, the first and most important step we must take to meet a good guy is to develop and grow up ourselves. There is an axiom in psychology: a healthy person attracts healthy people, a sick person attracts sick people. And two infantile, fragile personalities who get married are a direct path to disappointment, pain, betrayal, and, finally, a broken marriage and a crippled fate. Therefore, the first rule is also the last: give God time for Him to “grow” you! Develop and with His help achieve maturity! Pray that the same processes will occur with the one whom the Lord has chosen for you - even if you don’t know this person yet! This is the path that leads to happy love and a strong family. But then some person appeared on your horizon with whom a close, warm relationship began to form. How do you know if this is the “prince” that God has prepared for you? The answer here is actually both very simple and very global: compare your value systems! In other words, answer yourself the question: “What is important to me, and what is important to my boyfriend?” Getting this answer is also quite simple: you need to do only two things: talk and observe. Talking means that you should discuss some important topics with the guy: family, faith, human qualities that he considers important, etc. Of course, you should also talk about your position on certain issues. But even more than talking, the observation gives: words can lie, but actions speak for themselves. Take a closer look at what the guy’s actions and statements say about his attitude towards you, towards other girls and people in general, towards his family, towards God, etc. If, for example, a guy assures you that he loves and respects you, but he himself comes to a meeting significantly late and even drunk, can we talk about respect? Or a guy tells you the most wonderful and beautiful words, and at the same time he can “send” another girl with obscenities... Assuring you that you are the greatest value for him, he ignores your requests not to smoke in your presence... The guy who laughingly tells you about his friend who sent away a pregnant woman from hima girl for an abortion, hardly has healthy ideas about family, chastity, fidelity, responsibility, etc. Little things like this, which are often overlooked, actually say a lot, and over time can become real problems. Perhaps some of us have the chance to date and later marry ideal men who have no flaws. However, most girls still meet and have relationships with guys who still need to work on themselves. And then a question-dilemma creeps into every girl’s head: “To educate - not to educate?” Do you really need to change your boyfriend for the better? If yes, then how to do this, and how does such “education” relate to accepting a person as he is, just as God accepts us? This question seems to have a double answer: yes, we need to educate. BUT! The way this should be done is completely at odds with the generally accepted opinion on this matter. How do they usually do it? The girl becomes a “second mother” for the guy: she points out shortcomings, reproaches, reads morals, gives reasons: “You can’t smoke, it’s harmful to health; watching pornography is a sin; swearing is indecent...", etc. In response, the guy gives a thousand counter-arguments, and the discussion becomes endless. Those girls have taken a step in the right direction who place the justification for their demands not “somewhere”, but in themselves: “Don’t smoke in my presence, since I don’t I can tolerate cigarette smoke; I don’t like it when you swear, I think that by watching pornography you are cheating on me.” Such arguments have one positive side: they cannot be refuted by some pseudo-logical answers. So, to the phrase that smoking is harmful to health, you can give a counterargument that, they say, I smoke light cigarettes, they are not harmful; that I smoke a little, etc. And to the request “stop, because it’s unpleasant for me” there is nothing to answer: you either need to do what the girl asks or not. However, the girl’s path to “raising” the guy is not over yet. The next and most important step for her is to realize her dignity and decide to act in accordance with it. In fact, the guy has no obligation to do as you like: quit smoking, drinking, swearing or watching porn. Only God, and not you, can put motivation for changes in his heart (here we emphasize once again the value of prayer for a future husband or boyfriend!). You therefore have no direct control over your boyfriend's actions. But you have control over yourself. Therefore, before you go to a meeting with a guy and anticipating any problems like those described above, prepare a “Plan B”: what will you do if the guy doesn’t hear you, ignores your requests or behaves in a way that makes you uncomfortable being together with him ? It is clear that the content of “Plan B” depends entirely on what exactly is being discussed. So, if you cannot stand cigarette smoke, and the guy does not refuse to smoke in your presence, you can, for example, move to another bench or move a few steps away, but if the problem becomes very acute for you, you can simply interrupt the meeting and go home . At the same time, a guy’s addiction to pornography, especially if he doesn’t see a problem with it and considers it natural, raises the question of whether to maintain such a relationship at all. I would like, dear readers, for you to notice one very important thing that concerns “Plan B”: your actions - move to another bench, interrupt the meeting, etc. - Shouldn't be a punishment for a guy! You don't punish him, you do what's convenient for you. In other words, without insulting him, you come from a position of respect for yourself. By your actions, you are not telling the guy “look how bad you are” - you are only saying “I can’t be treated like that.” Thus, your desire for the guy not to smoke, swear, or watch pornography turns into a series of specific actions aimed at changing the situation. In this way, you do what depends on you. Give the guy a chancedo what depends on him. When discussing the system of values, one cannot ignore the issue of faith. Girls often ask: “I like a guy, but he is not a Catholic (an option is an unbeliever; he belongs to a non-Christian denomination, for example, a Muslim).” What to do in such a situation? It seems to me that the difference in faith, although very important, is still of secondary importance compared to the question: “How do you and your boyfriend feel about this difference?” Agree that the situation when an unbelieving guy, for the sake of his girlfriend, strives to somehow know God, or at least respect her beliefs, and the situation when a guy generally considers faith to be stupid, are completely different. To figure it out, again, let’s leave the guy alone and turn to ourselves with the question: “What does faith mean to me, and how will I build a relationship with a guy who doesn’t share my beliefs?” You need to know right away that marriage in this case can become a real test for the wife. Thus, there are many stories about when a believing wife brought her husband to God. But you should remember - this is a very difficult and long path, it is fully a cross that you will have to take on your shoulders. Are you ready for this? Ask yourself specific questions: “Do I have the courage to at least go to church on Sunday, even if my husband is against it? Will I be able to baptize and raise our children in the faith? " These questions, covering very important aspects of married life, will tell you the “size of the job” and help you take a realistic look at the situation in front of you. After answering them, pay attention to your boyfriend. If he is a believer, what denomination does he belong to? What principles does his faith dictate to him, and do they coincide with yours? Is it possible to reconcile them? If he is an unbeliever, then for what reasons? Perhaps no one told him about God? Or is he angry with the Lord for something, disappointed in his faith? I want to emphasize: the latter is not a “diagnosis” that the person you met is bad. This only means that he is seriously wounded, that his relationship with God is complicated, and it may take a lot of time, effort, and most importantly, desire on the guy’s part to fix it. God Himself says: “It would be better if you were hot or cold, but not lukewarm.” Clive S. Lewis, writer and theologian, observes: “Those who hate God are closer to Him than those who think he is in their pocket.” God wants more strong feelings from us - albeit negative ones - than indifference. So we come to the most important thing - the guy’s desire to know God. Does he want to establish or restore a relationship with the Lord? Or is he indifferent and treats your faith as feminine stupidity? Further, what are his moral standards, what is important to him? Sometimes non-Christians live according to the gospel commandments without even knowing it. And in this case also - does the guy want to take a step forward, come to the church? A different picture arises when the guy is a believer, but not a Catholic, or not a Christian at all. What to do in this case? Again, evaluate your strengths and your boyfriend's intentions. Can you persevere in faith? Will he be willing to meet you halfway on some issues? I have one friend who married a Muslim and even left Belarus, going to his homeland. The man was a real, believing Muslim. Considering this, my friend said this: “I will not make him a Catholic. But I will make him a thinking Muslim." And, having read and understood the Koran, she began to “bombard” her husband with questions regarding faith: why do you make such a gesture when you pray? Why this and that? ... As a result, the husband began to regularly go for consultations with the imam, in search of answers to questions that he simply had not asked himself before. His faith began to grow. When their son was born, my friend said: “Let the boy be in the faith of his father. But he will also be a thinking Muslim! Moreover: when he is old enough, I will tell him about Christ as the Son of God, and not as a prophet. When he becomes an adult, let him choose his faith himself." One can argue about.