How to ask correctly (M. Linehan) “Like peas against a wall” ... I seem to be asking, asking, but to no avail. Either they ignore it, or downplay it, or don’t give it any importance. This usually happens if a person doesn’t know how to ask. Or the demands are greater than the requests. The purpose of the request is that we want to receive something from the partner in the situation: from not throwing socks away to a promotion, in position. An offer to undergo family therapy is also a request. How to ask correctly? The rules are easy to remember using the acronym ASK List the facts Describe your attitude Ask for what you want Tell why it is good Discuss different options Build on yours Show confidence 🍀 List the facts - this is a brief FACTUAL description of the situation, no judgment: for example: I found 5 socks in different corners of the apartment today. Or: you get drunk 5 days a week out of 7. Or: I have been working in your organization successfully and well for 7 years. I am offered good positions in other organizations.🍀Describe your attitude - no accusations. Accusations breed resistance. Describe YOUR feelings, YOUR actions in connection with the situation, YOUR thoughts. Don’t expect the other person to read your thoughts and understand how you feel. For example: while collecting socks around the apartment, I get very irritated. I feel like you don't value my work. Or: when I see you drunk, I feel disgusted. I don't want to feel disgusted with my husband. Or: I'm upset that I've been working so hard for so many years without a promotion, I think I'm worthy of a promotion.🍀Ask for what you want. Don't tell people what they should do. You need to ask, not demand. Demanding without giving a voice is perceived as controlling and causes resistance. For example, I would like you to try to throw socks in the laundry basket Or: I would like you to get treatment. Or: I want a promotion.🍀 Tell us why this is good. The partner must understand the bonuses of his behavior change. Then this increases motivation. For example: if I don’t find socks, then I will be calmer, there will be fewer quarrels, I won’t bite you. Or: if you undergo treatment, I will most likely feel close to you again, things will improve between us family life, the child will see dad sober Or: if you promote me, I will not consider moving to another organization. I will be more productive.🍀 Discuss different options. Be prepared to compromise. Agree on a plan. Small concessions can be made. For example, 2 socks instead of 5 is already good 😂 Or the husband will want to reduce the amount of alcohol on his own (although unlikely, of course). Agree on actions if your partner violates the agreement. For example: I will ask you to remove the socks yourself. I will note that you forgot. Or: if you can’t handle it on your own in 2 weeks, we’ll turn to a specialist Or: I’ll move on to partners in 3 months.🍀Stand your ground. It’s clear here that we are making some progress.🍀Feign confidence. You don't have to be confident, the main thing is the image and persistence. 😊And this is all more effective than aggressive demands and conflicts. And we remember that people need time and effort to change. Nothing happens at the snap of a finger.