You can’t pull a family out of the bottom without difficulty. 6 scenarios of family life. As a family psychologist, I want to share with you honest information about how a family works, how it is born, how it functions, how it collapses and dies. I also want to tell everyone about one strange paradox: Despite the obvious similarities persons and surnames, some people create a family, but completely different people get divorced! This is actually true! Strictly speaking, this is precisely why men and women conflict and get divorced, because over the months or years of marriage, they become different, not the same as they were when they were still friends, living in a civil marriage, accidentally or not accidentally “got knocked up,” or after the registry office they flew off on a fun honeymoon. Here it is important to understand that: Family is not just living together under one roof, or the joint reproduction of a man and a woman. A family is the joint development of a man and a woman in life, ideally the simultaneous modernization of their views for life, bringing them to the same denominator throughout their entire journey together, until death. And then everything is simple. Because there are only a few options for the development of a family situation. Six main scenarios of family life: Option 1. “Close forever.” Ideal. Two very similar spouses. Husband and wife are close to each other from the very beginning. This is if a man and a woman, at the time of meeting and starting a family, had common ideas about life in general and family life in particular, a similar level of education, similar social and material status, similar values ​​and norms of behavior, matching goals and interests in life. The spouses immediately lived in one beat, in unison. Then they were able to maintain this similarity throughout their entire life together. Or they changed, modernized their views on life and family, but they did it together. Even if not exactly synchronously, but still in reasonably close time intervals. Thus, husband and wife always understood each other, the level of their contradictions was minimal, and the level of justification of mutual expectations was very high. Such partners sail through life, as if on a deep-landing ship, without feeling the waves, without quarrels and scandals. Such a married couple is the strongest. Option 2. “From Strangers to Close Ones.” Optimal. Two different, but very willing to become like each other spouses. Husband and wife became close to each other in the early years of marriage and were able to maintain a common understanding of life throughout their lives. This is if a man and a woman, at the time they met and started a family, had slightly different ideas about life in general and family life in particular, different levels of education, social and material status, slightly different values ​​and norms of behavior, and not the same goals and interests in life. However, one of the couple was able to quickly adapt and pull themselves up to a higher level. Then, throughout their entire life together, the spouses were able to maintain this achieved similarity and learned to live in unison. They changed and modernized their views on life and family, just the two of them. Even if not exactly synchronously, but still in reasonably close time intervals. Thus, after some initial period of contradictions and adjustments, the husband and wife always understood each other, the level of their contradictions was minimal, the level of justification of mutual expectations was high. Such a married couple develops practically without conflicts - very strong. Option 3. “Strangers were never able to become Close.” Average. Two different spouses who are not very keen on achieving unity. The husband and wife were never able to achieve common ideas about life, including family life. This is if a man and a woman, at the time of meeting and starting a family, had either slightly or noticeably different ideas about life in general and family life in particular, different levels of education, social and material status, slightly different values ​​and norms of behavior, not the same goals and interests in life. Later, one of the partners was unable to quicklyadapt, raise oneself to a higher level, or frankly did not want to do this. As a result of this, the spouses were unable to form one whole, a single family organism, and did not learn to live in unison. Accordingly, in the future, they either changed each on their own, pulling the strap of their modernization along different vectors, like a swan, a crayfish and a pike. Or, one person has changed and become smarter, but the second partner has frankly stuck in the “swamp” of life. In this case, such a family will be distorted and shaken throughout their lives; distortions in their views on life will not give them a calm, comfortable existence. However, trying to live together, although difficult, is still possible. was minimal, the level of justification of mutual expectations was average. And then, every time - after a scandal and a showdown. Such a couple develops through life, moves through it, all the time only in spurts: from conflict to conflict. Such a married couple is already fragile. Option 4. “Strangers didn’t even want to become Close.” Bad. Two different spouses who do not want to become alike at all. The husband and wife not only never had common ideas about life, including family life, but no one wanted to bring these positions closer together or give up their beliefs. This is if a man and a woman, at the time of meeting and starting a family, had noticeably different ideas about life in general and family life in particular, different levels of education, social and material status, dissimilar values ​​and norms of behavior, and may not have had any clear goals and interests at all in life. Over the years of marriage, none of the partners was able to adapt to their partner. The partner with a higher level quickly got tired of bothering the lazy person, the problematic spouse did not want to overcome his alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, conflict, lack of education, jealousy, carelessness, irresponsibility, etc. As a result of this, the spouses not only failed to form one the whole, a single family organism, not only did not get closer, but, on the contrary, every year they diverged more and more in life. They became more and more different, dissimilar. Such a super distortion is practically irremovable. Here it all ends in scandals, fights, insults and divorces. Option 5. “Close ones have become strangers.” Sad. Initially, two people very close to each other entered into marriage. However, later, the circumstances of their lives turned out to be so different that people changed in completely different ways, or only one person changed, but the other half remained the same. Alas, even the initially very united spouses later found themselves separated. This led to unfulfilled expectations, conflicts and other troubles, even divorce. Option 6. “Now Close - then Strangers, then Strangers - then Close.” Jerks and jumps. This is when the entire married life consists of very unstable periods. The husband and wife (who could initially be similar or could be different) either bring their positions closer together regarding the most important events and decisions in family life, or their positions diverge. Accordingly, such a family lives on a very wide scale of assessments: from complete family idyll, to fights and filing for divorce. From here, two things are obvious: First. Men and women file for divorce when they finally understand that they fundamentally differ in their views on life, especially family life. Second. In order for the family to be happy and strong, the husband and wife must necessarily bring together their positions and views on life, including family life. Accordingly, as a practicing psychologist, I affirm: A happy family is only the joint management of the same joint family development. External control of a partner or a completely independent, autonomous existence of a husband and wife almost always ends in conflicts and divorces. Accordingly, a really useful thing that a family psychologist can do is: - show partners exactly how husband and wife differ from each other in their behavior and views on family life and life.