From the author: Divorce of parents, family conflicts cause pain and suffering for both adults and children. A child cannot save his parents and marriage. The stabilizing factor in family relationships is something other than the child. In a difficult period of life, we, adults and children, are looking for salvation and a savior. Such a difficult period may be the divorce of parents or conflicting relationships in the family. A man and a woman painfully experience the loss of a relationship, even if this relationship was unsatisfactory for each other. This is a difficult time. Hurt! Very painful! Mental pain is stronger than physical pain. It is very difficult to preserve yourself and react intelligently to the situation. From your own pain you want to hurt your partner. You want help, so that there is someone nearby who will save and help. Who can help us and save us? 1. The Almighty, the universe, greater power. 2. Parents or significant adults. 3. Rescue services: Ministry of Emergency Situations, police, representatives of the law, doctors, psychologists. 4. Knowledge, experience, intelligence, willpower.5. A mediator is a neutral specialist in this situation. Who can NOT and should NOT save parents? Children! Child! Why? To do this, the child has to take the place of parents for his mom and dad. He can't handle it. And how can he know something that did not happen in his childhood life! His fragile shoulders are weaker than his father's and mother's! The parents gave birth to the child, not he to the parents. He is forever small in front of them. Often in life, after giving birth to a child, we expect help from him, unconsciously. We hold within ourselves the false belief: “I read about it and I know it all! I don’t want anything from the child!” This is why there is no improvement or healing. If there is no “mistake,” then there is nothing to correct! Everything remains the same. In this case, we look for those to blame and consider the child our punishment. He looks like a second parent to all bad people. If in your personal family relationships a child is appointed as a stabilizing figure, then family relationships will not improve. The child, trying to save his parents, begins to get sick and behave defiantly. I will give several examples from practice where a child saves his parents. 1. The struggle of family systems. There is no agreement between parents on issues of raising a child. “You’re doing everything wrong, because your parents are careless people,” the mother reproaches the child’s father. - You love the child wrong! Your mother is an "iron lady" and you are just as cold. A loud war is waged from the moment a child enters kindergarten. They fight in the presence of a child. Adults are tired of such a war, so they are inclined to divorce as a truce. The child is trying to save either mom or dad. How to save parents? Distract them from the war and turn their attention to themselves. The child fought with children and called names at the kindergarten teacher. In 1st grade he hides under the desk. After he began to undress in class and take off his clothes as a sign of protest, the parents decided to sort out their family conflict with a specialist. Cold War Mom saves the marriage only because her husband has skillful hands. My husband can fix everything at home with his own hands, no need to call a specialist. Children are safe with him. A young mother works a lot so she can be at home less. “I would get a divorce, but we have children.” I won't be able to be with them that long and earn enough money for the three of us. But my husband is of no use, and as a father he is childish,” she says, wiping away tears. She asked for help regarding the behavior of a child who leaves the classroom during class and sits in the hallway if he doesn’t like something. Let him see that I am strong and can handle it. The divorce occurred on the initiative of the wife, but she had a good reason for it. The husband did not want to leave: “You are alone with your son, it will be difficult for you!” - I can do without you! “We can live without you,” she answered. Each of them answered the other: “Let’s see what comes of this!” The father is excluded from the child’s life. Mom “protects” her decision with her breasts: “The enemy will not pass!” It’s very difficult for Mom. The child sees this. A child in third grade stopped writing in class. Goes to school,.