A story about a mother’s interference in the life of her adult daughter and how active evidence only strengthens doubts. I am publishing with permission.—In front of me is a pretty, smart girl who has been living separately from her parents for a long time. There are no particular problems, but my mother believes that the heroine of our story should get married and give birth: “I even quarreled with her about this, I managed to defend my position... But I see that she is tempted to find out how I am doing in this regard.” But for now I just don’t want to. And, you know, I don’t even suffer.” “Yes.” Is this all or is there something else? - Well, some of my friends think that I did not separate from my parents, and I just can’t convince them. - This is a common story: an adult lives as he sees fit, and the parents (or one of them ) interfere. At best, we manage to avoid this topic. At worst, it is an endless battlefield with no winners. Both sides are powerless: “I can’t explain to her...”—Let’s look at the first part. We start with the fact that the mother wants the best for her daughter - but in the way she herself understands. This is the essence of the conflict. - When you say that you are coping with life without your mother’s advice, what happens to her? After all, she wants something good for you... - Well... she doesn’t like it... - Yes. Why? - Because I reject... - Exactly. She sincerely wants to help. Yes, you don’t need her help, especially in this form - but the very intention to help comes from the heart... it turns out that you seem to push away the good that she is trying to convey. - But I don’t want to take it. - You don’t must. At the same time, you can react to the mother’s very intention to help. Recognize that she wants good things, that this is love, care, attention... Choose suitable definitions, call it - that’s what it will be. You respond to the intention: “I know you love me and want the best ...”, and do not discuss the details, even if she turns to them. Like a broken record, every time. - It seems reasonable. - Yes. When you ask your mom not to meddle in your personal life, it’s almost like, “I don’t want to accept anything from you.” And when you respond to the intention from which these questions come, you thereby admit: “I see that you want to help me out of love” - and this is a completely different matter. Then she understands that you accept her very desire to help, and the specific details of this help are no longer so important. At least this approach usually greatly reduces the intensity of such conflicts. “Yes, I understand.” What can you say about separation? - You yourself know: you live your own life, separately from your parents, support yourself, decide for yourself what, when and how to do, without discussing with your mother. The point is different: the confidence that you destroy in yourself. Who looks more confident: the one who does not pay attention to attacks, or the one who skillfully makes excuses every time? - Of course, the one who does not make excuses. - So, when Do you find arguments in your defense, explain in as much detail as possible that you were separated, do your friends understand that you are sure, or do they doubt it even more? - Yes, it’s clear why I can’t convince them. - And that’s not all. You yourself, when you convince them, begin to doubt yourself. And the more you convince, the more you doubt, no matter how strange it may seem. “You’re right, I noticed that.” “Can you guess what you should do in this case?” “Don’t make excuses at all?” “Yes.” The more you argue, the more you strengthen your friends’ opinion that there is no separation. On the contrary, when you are sure, you don’t need to defend your position: “I’m sure of this, and there’s nothing to discuss. And if you think differently, well, I don’t care.”—I understand. This is better than what I did before. And, of course, thank you.—Sometimes a small intervention is enough for a person to change perception and communication, and continue to live in peace with himself, and not fight, proving established facts to everyone and to himself. PS Any questions? Need some advice? Write.