The stroke bank is one of the basic concepts of transactional analysis. Transactional analysis, in short, is the analysis of human interactions. Transaction means “interaction”. Transactions can be verbal and non-verbal, they can come out of various Ego states (Inner Child, Parent and Adult), and be directed at similar Ego states of the opponent. Any transaction can be considered as a “stroking”, more precisely understood as a touch, a unit of emotional contact between people. Stroking with a positive emotion is called “stroking”; contact with a negative emotion is called “kick”. Essentially, human life is all about seeking strokes and avoiding kicks. A stroke can be a kind word or pleasure from the work done, but also a photo on Instagram from Goa, a quarterly bonus and a new iPhone. Strokes vary in their emotional value. The most valuable is the so-called unconditional stroking. It concerns what a person is in himself, his moral, physical, volitional, etc. qualities Less valuable is conditional stroking, for the fact that a person has done something, achieved something, bought something, etc. That is, stroking “you’re beautiful” is much more meaningful than stroking “you have cool tights.” Even less valuable is a kick, that is, interaction with a negative emotion. But the worst thing is ignoring, that is, interaction without emotion. They glanced and didn’t recognize, didn’t notice. Therefore, in very dysfunctional families, children seem to deliberately behave incorrectly: they certainly won’t get a stroke, but at least a slap on the head... There are laws of stroking. From my observation, these are very well enforced laws. First of all, all people need stroking. Especially children, teenagers and old people. There is childhood anaclitic depression. It turned out that if a baby is deprived of an emotional connection with his mother, then, despite good care, he gets sick, often cries, does not sleep, refuses to eat, and in some cases even dies. Similarly, an adult in a situation of a shortage of strokes feels insecure and depressed. And this situation of emotional deficit is very common in our lives. Stroking reinforces behavior that leads to stroking, while kicking reinforces behavior that leads to avoidance of kicking. This is understandable: if we were praised for something, then we want to be praised again; if we were scolded, then, on the contrary, we try to avoid repetition. But this is only in a situation where there is an even number of strokes and kicks. If stroking is in short supply, then you have to chase kicks. The more strokes a person gives, the more strokes he receives. This is the next law. It is carried out very clearly. True, it is not at all necessary that the stroke will return to you from the person to whom you gave it. Perhaps the stroking will come from the other side. In addition, the more kicks a person gives, the more kicks he receives. As a rule, this is due to the inability to receive strokes. And a person can only restore his energy resource by giving and receiving kicks. The more strokes a person receives, the less kicks he receives. And vice versa. In general, there are approximately equal numbers of strokes and kicks in life. It all depends on who is in front of us - the Catcher of Strokes or the Catcher of Kicks, the Lucky Man or the Loser, if we speak in the language of transactional analysis. Let's say I'm catching strokes and I get a transaction: "You wrote a great project, but there are so many spelling errors in it." I'm Lucky, I think: “Great! I'm done! As for the mistakes, it’s a minor thing, they’ll put it through Word Spelling, and that’s it.” And the same transaction, but I get kicked, I’m a Loser, I think: “What a shame! That's horrible! I don’t know Russian, etc.” It is clear that catching strokes is both healthier and more enjoyable. The strokes accumulate and form a Bank of Strokes,just as kicks accumulate and form a Kick Bank. So our man's Kink Bank is fine, but his Strokes Bank is woefully empty. Everyone knows about himself what a lazy person, a slacker, etc. he is. And the task is to create a Bank of Strokes. If a person has a Bank of Strokes, then he ceases to need continuous encouragement from the outside, he no longer needs to please anyone, he can do his job and receive inner satisfaction. In addition, situations where other people approve of you a lot are very rare. They kick much more often. At this point in the session I usually ask for some strokes to be given to myself. You can start with the words: “I am good at something,” “I am proud of myself when I am,” “I like this and that about myself.” And, as a rule, this is a very difficult moment. It turns out that it is really difficult to stroke yourself. The fact is that there are bans on stroking. These prohibitions are formed in childhood and interfere with the creation of the Bank of Strokes. And there is nothing left to do but collect kicks so as not to die from emotional hunger. So, the bans on stroking. There are, in fact, five of them. “Don’t give me any stroking.” It is extremely difficult for a person with such a prohibition to give strokes to another. Often he literally feels a stop in the throat area. Sometimes you can give a stroke to a stranger, but under no circumstances, not to your loved ones. For example, the director is quite adequate in praising his employees, but at home he will not find a kind word for his wife and children. Usually, people with such a ban really have nothing to give. Their Strokes Bank is very meager. And they brought this stereotype from their parents’ family; they themselves were never praised. “Don’t take the strokes.” This is the most common prohibition. A person feels some kind of internal resistance, considers himself unworthy of praise, and sometimes is obliged to give in return. A classic example, I say: “You look great!” They answer me: “Yes, what time is it now?” This is ignoring stroking. Or: “What are you talking about, it’s just lighting.” This is a devaluation of my stroking, my gift, so to speak. That is, the emotional resource was rejected, not accepted, but could end up in the Bank of Strokes and provide a good mood for the whole day. You must be able to accept strokes. If the stroking is accepted, then the person smiles for 5 to 15 seconds, remains silent, as if soaked in the stroking, and does not rush to say: “Thank you, too.” In this case, stroking conveys its energy resource and this is felt both psychologically and quite physically. "Don't ask for stroking." Usually this prohibition is explained by a judgment like: “if I’m really good, then others will see and praise, but it’s immodest to talk about my achievements.” They won't see it or praise it because it's classic kick-gathering behavior. Imagine an office. One sits, works quietly and hopes that he will still be appreciated. The other one did something there and ran to show the director how great she was. Question: who will get the bonus? Right. So it’s okay to ask for stroking. Another option: “You can’t ask for stroking, otherwise others will see that I need them, I’m emotionally weak.” Here, of course, we need to work with the driver “be strong, don’t feel or show your emotions.” It is clear that such a position sooner or later leads to exhaustion. So you need to give it up in time. In my opinion, only emotionally mature people can ask for stroking for themselves. So, ask. And suppose you listened to me and decided to start asking for stroking. You approach someone with a “pet me, praise me, caress me” transaction. And they answer you with a very cold face: “No!” The overwhelming majority will feel not-OK in this situation, that is, they will decide that there is something wrong with them, that they are unworthy, etc. But what is actually happening? You are faced with a person with a “don’t give” prohibition, and your personal “don’t ask” prohibition helped you choose just such a person. So don’t be confused, ask, but look closely to see if you haveperson of this inconvenient prohibition for you. The next prohibition is “take it even if you don’t like it.” Some take everything indiscriminately according to the principle: “if they say it, it means it is so, this is all you deserve.” Meanwhile, there are people who, instead of stroking, offer a kick wrapped in a candy wrapper. A friend meets me and says with a sweet smile: “And you have matured...”. It seemed like a dubious compliment to me. If you don't like it, don't take it, i.e. do the opposite of how you should take. Reject, ignore, say: “You too!” Don't let it in. My friend says to a mutual friend: “Sergey, you’re a cool guy, kind, reliable...” He immediately answers: “I’m not reliable!” And he does it absolutely right. In addition to kicks wrapped in beautiful wrappers, it may turn out that the value systems of the speakers will not coincide and the stroking will turn out to be unsuccessful and inaccurate. My friend thought it would be stroking, but it turned out that it was not at all like that. To give the right stroke you need to look carefully at the person and think: how can I stroke him? What does he consider important and valuable about himself? what's the opposite? The last prohibition is “don’t give yourself strokes.” This is perceived as a meaningless, shameful, even harmful action. As a rule, they are afraid of “getting proud, becoming selfish, stopping developing, etc.” But it works quite the opposite. Stroking gives energy, and development only intensifies. Working with this prohibition, we create a bank of strokes. Despite its apparent simplicity, compiling a Bank of Strokes is quite difficult. Bans on stroking interfere. When we encounter any prohibition in our psychology, we should ask two questions. Why can’t you give (take, ask, etc.) strokes? What will happen if I give (take, ask) a stroke? And you need to listen carefully to the typical ideas that arise in your head. In my opinion, these are a kind of slogans. And then it is necessary rationally, i.e. Consider these mottos from the perspective of an adult. Will you continue to follow them or are you ready to give up now? This is what working with prohibitions is all about. When I studied at the department of Prof. V.V. Makarov, we, psychotherapists, had to tell our Bank of Strokes for 15 minutes, without repeating, at an average pace, for the test. This is considered to be the minimum size to work as a psychotherapist. I also recommend a minimum of 15 minutes to my clients. This, of course, does not happen immediately, but once you put something in the Strokes Bank, the strokes begin to accumulate. Then it only expands. The Strokes Bank may include extended sentences. Thus, the stroking “I’m sporty” can be expanded into the phrase: “I’m sporty, I like to play sports, since childhood I was fond of swimming, then football, then handball. My coach said that I showed promise. I still go to the gym and watch my weight. My children follow my example." And so on. Often people believe that they can only pat themselves on the back for over-achieving, for doing something they are perfect at or at least very good at. And this, as usual, is little or not at all. The Strokes Bank is not a list of perfections. Essentially, this is the ability to stroke yourself for at least 15 minutes. You must remember so many good things about yourself to fill this time. And there is much more good in a person. People act as if kind words are scarce, that they will run out if they are spent thoughtlessly, and that they can only be given for some exceptional things. In fact, this is not true, they will not end. You should always have a kind word for yourself and others. Don’t let this emphasis on yourself in the first place confuse you. In fact, it is believed that only those who are filled from within by their strokes can truly transfer their positive emotional energy to others. Give them your warmth. So, as usual, you have to start with yourself. The Bank of Strokes is not an affirmation; it does not need to be repeated in front of the mirror every.