Alas, most of our daily activities take place under the strict guidance of so-called attitudes. It doesn’t matter what you do: cook soup, talk to a man or write an SMS to a friend - all this happens under the hood of your settings. And everything would be fine if they worked at the level of consciousness. But no - the attitude, as luck would have it, is an unconscious state. So it turns out that we spend most of our lives not in sound mind and solid memory, but in captivity of our mysterious subconscious. Sometimes, we ourselves do not understand what we are doing and why, when we: - shout at our spouse; - we quarrel with children; - physically pushing people away from us; - we attribute to other people motives of behavior that do not correspond to reality; - etc. That is why it is important to understand that we do not make all decisions completely independently, and there are 4 types of attitudes and they influence different aspects of our activity: Thus, a social attitude is a readiness to perceive and act in a certain way according to attitude towards other people. The motor attitude reflects our readiness for a certain physical action. The sensory attitude forces us to perceive external stimuli in a certain way. And, finally, the mental attitude is what makes us slaves to certain thinking stereotypes. Not a very happy picture, you must agree... Thus, all 4 types of attitudes determine how we will perceive the events of our lives, what we will think when faced with them and, of course, what we will actually do. I am sure that many of you know the famous quote: “Sow an action - reap a habit, sow a habit - reap a character, sow a character - reap a destiny.” And in this regard, it would be very correct to remake the ending as follows: “If you sow an attitude, you reap a destiny,” because our character can be called the totality of our attitudes. Growth Mindset and Fixed Mindset So, let's narrow our topic and figure out how attitudes affect our lives in personal relationships, when communicating with the opposite sex. To do this, we will introduce two new concepts - growth mindset and fixed mindset and look at them in terms of contrasting each other. First, let's go from afar. Answer me this question: Why do women so love to look for “that one,” “the one,” “ideal” man? Answer honestly before reading further, and I’ll tell you tell you the truth. Most women do this only because they have that same fixed mindset. A fixed mindset means you don't believe change is possible. In principle, you don’t believe. In other words, you don’t believe that: - You yourself can change; - A man can change; - Your relationship with a man can change. Thus, there are at least 3 components, and you are convinced that none of them can be adjusted: “That’s the way it is, that’s the way it is...” And what logical conclusion follows from such a perception of reality? That’s right, the conclusion is simple: you need to find a man with whom everything will be smooth, good and ideal right away. Well, if this doesn’t work out right away, then this is definitely not the hero of my novel - I’ll go look for the next one. In contrast to the fixed mindset, as you have already understood, there is a growth mindset. How is it expressed? We take all the same 3 components (you, the man and your relationship with him) and make the assumption that any of these components can be changed quite strongly. You are firmly convinced that :1. You are able to work on yourself; 2. Your chosen one is a rational being and will also cope with the task of changing his personality; 3. Your relationship is not a “frozen” structure and can also be rebuilt thanks to your efforts. That's a growth mindset for you. It would seem, what could be simpler? But there is no faith in this! Serious psychologists have put decades of their lives into proving to the whole world that people do not change. A monstrous misconception that prevents us from seeing a productive approach to buildingfor example, a relationship with a man. After all, if people don’t change, then what will be the only way out if you suddenly “married the wrong person”? Obviously, a divorce - it will remain “like this...”, so there is nothing to “catch”. Okay, now let’s make it even worse. There is a 75-80% chance that you will marry the wrong person. At least for the first time. 75-80% is the real percentage of divorces within 3 years after marriage. But there is still 20-25% left, right? It turns out that they have found their “soul mate”, which is ideal for them, and I need to try to do the same? And again, “No.” This 20-25% does not include those who guessed right. This 20-25% includes those who have a growth mindset and are very clearly aware that they, their partner, and their relationship can and should change in order to so that the family is not just created, but also preserved in the long term. This is the price of a fixed mindset. Three-quarters of marriages break up, and one of the central reasons is the destructive conviction that “This one didn’t suit me - I’ll find another...” The main desire is heavenly pleasure. The main goal is an absolute minimum of effort or its complete absence. Note that the percentage divorces are just one side of the coin, which I cited as the most striking example. But there is a lot more left “behind the scenes”: - deep misunderstanding in the family; - lack of respect; - uncontrolled manifestations of aggression; - hidden and obvious grievances; - manipulation of the behavior of your spouse; - and much more that is difficult to express in the percentages we are accustomed to... And all this can be a consequence of a fixed mindset, a consequence of the fact that we are not ready for dialogue with a partner, are not ready to cooperate with him even for the sake of the common good. Developing a Growth Mindset A growth mindset is a fundamentally different way of perceiving life and the challenges it presents. It is he who will allow you to avoid many disappointments and change those situations that, it would seem, cannot be changed. However, for this it is necessary to shift the focus of attention from the problem to its solution. Attention is what is in the area of ​​consciousness at a given specific moment in time and is realized we are best, so our task is to monitor the destructive patterns that are embedded in our behavior and thinking and replace them with new ones. Below I will give 3 simple techniques that will allow you to get on the right path today.1. Answer yourself this question: - How do you feel when you are rejected? Humiliation, resentment, desire for revenge? Or, despite the pain, do you hope to forgive the person, learn from what happened and move on? Think about the most painful of such cases. Try to remember your feelings at this moment. Now look at the same situation using a growth mindset. What did you learn from that experience? Has it helped you better understand what you want from life and what you don’t want for nothing? Maybe he taught you something useful that was later useful in other relationships? Feel if you are able to forgive that person, are you able to get rid of the resentment? 2. Imagine your ideal love affair. This means that there should be complete compatibility between you in everything, right? No disagreements, no compromises, no effort, right? But to be honest? Conflicts always arise in any relationship. Try to perceive any problems and conflicts from the point of view of a growth mindset. They can be a means of achieving better understanding and greater intimacy. Allow your partner to voice their grievances. Listen carefully and discuss them patiently and kindly. You will be surprised how much closer you will become to each other after this.3. Try the following communication technique. When you have a desire to blame your partner for something, then call on a fictional character to help. Give him any name, for example, Jack and say something like: “It's all Jack's fault.” The method is humorous, however, it really works. The main thing is to catch the moment when it’s not too late to say it