From the author: The article was published on my blog “Thinking errors or conversations for awareness” - We don’t understand each other, we don’t hear each other and everyone our conversation ends in a quarrel. Sometimes I think I hate him! But to be honest, I’m just tired, tired of conveying to him what I really want to say. I don’t know what to do and I’m increasingly thinking about divorce. This is probably a problem that is familiar to many. But is there a way out of it? Remember your last conversation, which ended in an argument. In what state did you enter it? Most likely, something did not suit you and you tried to convey to your interlocutor what exactly did not suit you and what he needed to do. Now try to turn the situation around and imagine that your interlocutor is not happy with something, he tells you about it and tells you what you should do. What will be your reaction? I won’t be mistaken if I say – protection. He is doing the same thing, defending himself. As a result, you both try to prove that you are right, emotions overwhelm you and dialogue fails. And if there is no dialogue, then there is no reasonable solution. And if there is no reasonable solution, then the disagreements only intensify. Let's decide what you really want. There are two options: force your interlocutor (husband, wife) to fulfill your demands, win the discussion, show that only you know how to correctly, etc. interact so that quarrels and conflicts do not arise, negotiate controversial issues. The first option is more reminiscent of a discussion, the purpose of which is to promote and impose one’s ideas and criticize the ideas of the other side. If you choose this option, then be prepared for the fact that both participants will remain dissatisfied, the ideas of one of you will be rejected, negative emotions will be present in communication, and as a result, you will not achieve mutual understanding. Now think about it - is this what you are striving for? To implement the second option, you need to learn to enter into a dialogue, where everyone’s ideas are clarified and a joint understanding takes place - what is best to do in each specific situation so that there are no losers and winners. As you know, conflicts and quarrels arise when fighting begins. In dialogue, the main task is to give up the fight. In order for the dialogue to take place, you need to make certain efforts to follow the rules, without which dialogue is impossible. Let's look at these basic rules. Rule No. 1: Calm perception of everything that the interlocutor (read – husband, wife, child, partner) tells us. Whether we can fulfill this rule or not will determine whether the interlocutor will engage in dialogue. Imagine, you start telling something to your loved one, and at your very first words he begins to give out negative emotions. Will you continue? So is your interlocutor. What's the point of telling you something if you always have an emotional reaction to what they tell you. In order for the dialogue to take place, our main task is to hear the point of view to the end, regardless of whether we like it or not. Rule #2: No bias, negation or criticism. Often we can allow a person to speak out, but to refuse evaluation, this will be very difficult for many. Often we enter into a dialogue in a state that I know better how to do it, that the interlocutor cannot offer anything worthy, everything he says is nonsense, even if we listen to him, the interlocutor will read your message and is unlikely to begin speak. Your task, if you really want to find a common language, is to be patient and allow the interlocutor to fully explain his train of thought without your comments. Rule No. 3: The desire to understand what the interlocutor wants to convey to us. Imagine, we were given the opportunity to speak out, while we spoke, they did not comment on us, but they did not hear us either. There is a feeling that we were just shaking the air. What's the point in continuing?interaction if they don’t want to hear us? Your interlocutor will feel the same if you do not have the desire to understand what they want to convey to you. Set yourself up to understand the position of your interlocutor. It often happens that we want the same thing, we say the same thing, but only in different words. And you can see this only if you make an effort to understand what your interlocutor is talking about. The second point is that after listening to the idea in full and trying to understand it, we can see a rational grain that we would never have seen if we had not tried to understand the interlocutor. The third point is that by letting the interlocutor speak, we can draw something for ourselves from what he said or learn something about him. To illustrate the mistakes we make, a sketch from the course “Development of Conscious Attention”: Husband: Example: on weekends we usually go to shopping centers or McDonald’s, I don’t like it, but I put up with it. My wishes to spend the weekend skiing, skating or otherwise are usually not taken into account. Wife: Really? I’ve been sick of them for a long time, I only go to McDonald’s with you, and when you offer, as far as I remember, I haven’t received such offers for the last two years. Last weekend, when I asked where we were going, you yourself said: “Probably on opening day.” When we are sitting in the car, I ask you, what are you saying? Decide yourself. Where is your desire? Or don’t you want to make a decision so that it would be easier to blame later? Yes, I understand this is harsh, but I’m tired of being made into a monster, and the poor guy can’t decide anything, although he decides and does only as he wants. Tatyana: Friends, let's agree, we don't swear, we don't blame, but we sort it out. Each of you has ineffective behaviors. If you can notice it now (your ineffective behavior), then you will have the opportunity to change something. If you only look at what your husband is doing wrong, then we will not agree on anything. I show why he says “do as you know” in our interaction: there is a specific task that needs to be solved. I ask for options, you immediately: “Let the husband offer.” The husband suggests, you reject it. As a result, he has no choice but to say: “Do as you want,” and like a “moose to the slaughter,” go where you said (do what you said), and then not communicate with you. Write how you heard. Let the husband write about his wife’s words, that it was his proposal. Is this really true? Wife: Okay, I also want to go skiing and skating (I really want to), let him decide when, where, with whom the children will be, and not so that he will skate, and I will freeze with my children in the cold. Husband: How does the selection process take place... In the morning, the children begin to bother us with the question “Where will we go?” The wife always answers: “As dad says.” I am conducting a “survey of children”, offering options, but there are no initiatives or proposals from my wife. Children always have one thing on their mind – the shopping center. I decide to go to the shopping center. Wife: That’s exactly what you wrote just now: “I make a decision.” I’ve been trying for a long time not to make decisions, I want you to take the initiative into your own hands, and you make decisions, but don’t just blame me for everything later, that’s the thing, it’s your decision, not mine, you’re for sure So you can offer children other options. Tatyana: Now you are emotional, in this state it is difficult to decide anything. Are you ready to speak constructively without accusations? Wife: Yes Tatyana: Okay. Think about options for spending time together as a family and write. Wife: Go for a walk in the parks, go to the hills in the forest, go to the forest for barbecue, go to Kostroma, to the Snow Maiden’s house, make snowmen, throw snowballs, skiing, skating, camping in the summer, cinema. Husband: same thing :) Tatyana: well, you're funny :) Wife: Hee hee, yes we are! Tatyana: Okay, make a list of all possible vacation options and when you get together as a family, choose any option from the list and implement it. But it’s better to agree in advance. Rule #4: Getting feedback on whether what we heard was correctinterlocutor. We gave the interlocutor the opportunity to speak, we did not comment on his words and tried to understand what the interlocutor wanted to convey to us. But how can we find out whether we heard the interlocutor correctly, or whether it turned out again that we only heard what we wanted to hear? This is precisely why the feedback rule exists. Retell in your own words what you heard and ask your interlocutor to give feedback - did you hear him correctly? If you missed something in the presentation, the interlocutor will show it to you and correct it. Now that your positions are clear to both of you, finding the optimal solution that suits both will not be difficult, unless you again begin to “pull the blanket” over yourself. One of the main difficulties we will face is not listening carefully. But it is attentive listening, and not the desire to talk and argue, that will help you find a common language. Before entering into a dialogue, check your readiness for dialogue, determine which category of listeners you belong to: 1. While listening, you think about the wording of your own thoughts, you want to speak out yourself, constantly interrupt your interlocutor, you are not interested in the opinion of another or are only interested in , because, since after all, this is an interaction. The last word should always be yours. 2. You are easily distracted by your own thoughts or external events. Try to avoid complex and deep discussions. 3. On the one hand, you listen carefully, but make no effort to understand the meaning of what you hear. You form your opinion about what the other person is saying before he even finishes speaking. If you recognize yourself in one of the three categories, then at the moment you yourself are not ready for dialogue, since you are not able to hear your interlocutor. Before you get offended by your husband (wife, son, daughter, friend) because you cannot find a common language, work on yourself. Below are several practical tasks, after completing which you will be ready for dialogue. Practice: 1. When talking with someone close or familiar, listen to the interlocutor without interrupting him until he finishes. And only after that share your thoughts. Be careful not to finish the sentence your interlocutor started for him. 2. The same thing, but let’s complicate the task: before answering, take a short pause and breathe a little. If the other person continues talking, let him do so. 3. When talking with someone significant to you, focus on the content of the conversation, the meaning of what he wants to convey, and not on the manner of presentation. Your task is to understand the speaker, avoiding subjective assessments (this practice is best done with parents). 4. Select a short audio fragment (10-15 minutes). Your task while listening is to focus your attention on what is being said in the recording. If you feel that your attention has wandered, your internal dialogue has turned on and you have lost the meaning of the message, return to the moment when you stopped listening to the recording and continue listening carefully. Do this until you have listened carefully to the entire recording. 5. During a conversation, establish friendly, calm, intermittent eye contact. Pay attention to how your interlocutor reacts to your speech. 6. In this task you need to constantly check how much you understand what you heard. After the information has been conveyed to you, reformulate it as you heard it and ask your interlocutor, starting with the words: “I heard you correctly,” then include in the text what you heard. 7. This practice will require courage. Very often we say that we understand, although in fact we do not understand what we are being told. Your task will be to ask anything you don’t understand: “I don’t understand, please explain.” 8. Record your conversation with someone you know (at least 15 minutes). Listen to the recording and count how many times you: were distracted by something external; lost yourself in your own thoughts; finished the phrase for the speaker; gave subjective assessments of