From the author: What does a person’s sexuality depend on? The naked truth about the most intimate questions that we ask ourselves when left alone with ourselves. Working in the field of family and personality counseling, I inevitably have to deal with the topic of sexual disharmony in a couple. It always comes up when it comes to infidelity, marital “triangles” and “polygons”, frequent quarrels, conflicts, misunderstandings and distance from each other. The importance of intimate relationships in people’s lives cannot be underestimated, since dissonance in this area in the long term can become the reason for a breakdown in relationships, divorce, health problems and a feeling of sluggishness in personal life. Unfortunately, the topic of sex in our time is extremely overloaded with various third-party meanings that are essentially myths and conjectures. However, they can quite significantly poison people’s lives. This is facilitated by the abundance and accessibility of erotic films, talk shows, porn sites on the Internet, which instill in our minds the myths that real women should be thin and voluptuous, and real men should be tireless and brave, which as a result leads to an increase in neuroticism population: both men and women who do not fit this description begin to think that something is wrong with them... The topic of sex has been taboo for a long time, so it has become overgrown with secrets and speculation. In this area, we are ready to discuss others, but are afraid to talk about ourselves. Let's finally clarify today what really is the norm in intimate relationships, what you should pay attention to in order to prevent problems from arising, and how family relationships influence the formation of sexuality in our children. We will talk about married couples and those people who are simply in a joint emotional and sexual relationship. For a psychologist, it does not matter whether you are married or not, since in both cases the processes between people proceed the same way. So, what influences a person’s sexuality? First of all, the type of sexual constitution. There are three types of sexual constitution: strong, average and weak. Each type has its own physiological signs. You can find out your type of sexual constitution individually by coming for a consultation. Naturally, people with different types of sexual constitution have different needs for the frequency of sexual relations. People with a strong sexual constitution are less likely to suffer from infectious diseases, less likely to have problems in the sexual sphere. The second most important is the state of the hormonal system and the absence/presence of diseases that affect blood vessels. In third place are the features of gender-role education in the parental family. And in fourth place - the absence or presence of beliefs that prevent or promote a normal sexual life. It should be noted that in any couple, after 5 years of joint emotional and sexual relationships, the level of sexual desire decreases and moves into a certain rhythm. A so-called “schedule” of sexual contacts is established, the frequency of which suits both partners. There is no “sexual norm” as such. The norm in a couple is everything that, firstly, does not contradict the law of the country where you live, secondly, everything that happens on a voluntary basis, and thirdly, everything that does not harm human health. If these three conditions are met, then such sexual relations are considered normal, regardless of whether they are homo or heterosexual. The main criterion for normal sexuality is the voluntary readiness of both partners and the enjoyment of each of them. Let's talk in more detail about what can cause sexual disharmony in a couple? Basically, all marital or couple sexual disharmonies are based on relationship problems and are psychological in nature. Much less often - on the sexual disharmony of one of the spouses. Such an example could be the difference in the sexual profile of partners, when one has a strong typesexual constitution, and the other has a weak one. Also, the cause of problems in the sexual sphere can be diseases that affect blood vessels: diabetes mellitus, atherosclerosis. Depression, taking medications, fatigue, chronic lack of sleep, decreased immunity, and alcoholism can reduce sexual desire. The remaining reasons are psychological in nature. Sexual problems are more common in men, since they react more sharply to stress. They are characterized by a loss of sexual desire in general or towards a specific woman. Sexual problems in women almost always depend on psychological factors and are expressed in loss of sexual desire, anorgasmia and some physiological disorders during sexual intercourse. They say that “women have orgasms in their heads.” A decrease in sexual desire may be associated with resentment towards a partner, with psycho-emotional trauma in childhood or adolescence, with the peculiarities of gender-role education in the parental family, when parents said that “it’s bad to do this, it’s a shame, good girls don’t do that.” ”, which led to the emergence of complexes that interfere with the normal disclosure of one’s own sexuality. Another reason for the decrease in sexual attraction to a partner may be a person’s exposure to misinformation in the media about “standards of sexuality”, as a result of which people begin to compare themselves and their loved ones with beauties and handsome men from glossy magazines, heroes of erotic films. With such a comparison, the real person no longer seems attractive to them; the “forbidden fruit” begins to attract them. It happens that the relationship in a couple is good and the sex life is good, but at some point in the process of sexual intercourse a blockage suddenly occurs. The reason for the blockage may be condemnation of oneself for one’s sexual fantasies, or the desire to achieve orgasm at all costs when it turns into an end in itself, or a mismatch in the phases of the sexual cycle between partners, when one is still in the plateau stage, and the other is in decline excitement. As a result, one of the partners may chronically experience less pleasure from sex and, over time, begins to avoid it. The good news is that sexual relationship problems are completely solvable. A married couple, coming to the office of a sex psychologist, has the opportunity to openly talk about their difficulties. After all, you don’t hesitate to discuss the details of treatment in the doctor’s office when necessary. You can and should talk about sex in direct, clear language. With the help of a specialist, you can find the origins of the problem and understand how to fix them. If the reason lies in the area of ​​​​your beliefs, which, as you understand, do not benefit you, or are a consequence of unpleasant events from the past, in a psychological office you have the opportunity to part with them and gain the desired freedom. There is another important reason to engage in your sex education, even as an adult. In order to raise your children correctly. So as not to inadvertently convey to them your misconceptions, erroneous attitudes, in order to help your child correctly form his sexuality. How sexuality is formed in a child. The formation of sexuality begins in intrauterine development and after the birth of a child is divided into several stages. Mature sexuality is formed by the age of 20-25. Let's talk about the initial stages of its formation. From birth to 2 years, a child's sexual identity is formed. This means that by the age of two, your baby should already clearly understand who he is: a boy or a girl. Must be able to determine who is next to him: a man or a woman. During the same period of time, erogenous zones are formed. This is especially important for women: if at a given period of life a girl lacks physical contact, then erogenous zones may not form in her. In the future, this omission may come back to haunt her with sexual coldness (frigidity). Boys, as a rule, have a set of specific erogenous zones, but as a result of bodily contact they can.