From the author: To cope with loss and gain the opportunity to continue a full life, you need to go through all the stages of this difficult test. How to properly grieve yourself and support your grieving loved ones? Losses happen in the lives of each of us. Having lost a loved one, a person experiences grief, which often becomes a difficult test for him. What is help for a grieving person and how to provide it? The trouble with modern humanity is that we are so afraid of both death and strong feelings that we try to hide from them, pretending that neither one nor the other exists. Therefore, they often try to distract the grieving person from his grief, urging him to take courage, strengthen himself, hold on and pull himself together. It happens that when strong emotions arise in a person, frightened relatives drag him to the doctor so that he can prescribe tranquilizers, and so on. This does not lead to anything good. Nature provides a natural mechanism for coping with grief that helps cope with bereavement. If you neglect it, you can plunge into long-term depression. It is not for nothing that mourning for the dead has long been supported with the help of special rituals. In some places, professional mourners are still invited to funerals to help those present get into the right frame of mind. Natural grief involves 5 stages. 1. Stage of shock and denial. In many cases, the news of the death of a loved one is akin to a strong blow that “stuns” the bereaved person and puts him in a state of shock. The strength of the psychological impact of the loss and, accordingly, the depth of the shock depends on many factors, in particular, on the degree of unexpectedness of what happened. However, even taking into account all the circumstances of an event, it can be difficult to predict the reaction to it. It could be a scream, motor excitement, or maybe, on the contrary, numbness. Sometimes people have enough objective reasons to expect the death of a relative, and enough time to understand the situation and prepare for a possible misfortune. And yet, the death of a family member comes as a surprise to them. The state of psychological shock is characterized by a lack of full contact with the outside world and with oneself; a person acts like an automaton. At times it seems to him that he sees everything that is happening to him now in a nightmare. At the same time, feelings inexplicably disappear, as if they fall somewhere deep. Such “indifference” may seem strange to the person who has suffered a loss, and often offends the people around him and is regarded by them as selfishness. In fact, this imaginary emotional coldness, as a rule, hides the deep shock of loss and performs an adaptive function, protecting against unbearable mental pain. At this stage, various physiological and behavioral disorders are common: disturbances in appetite and sleep, muscle weakness, immobility or fussiness activity. A frozen facial expression, inexpressive and slightly delayed speech are also observed. The state of shock into which loss initially plunges a person also has its own dynamics. The numbness of people stunned by loss “may be broken from time to time by waves of suffering. During these periods of distress, which are often triggered by reminders of the deceased, they may feel agitated or powerless, cry, engage in aimless activities, or become preoccupied with thoughts or images associated with the deceased. Mourning rituals—the reception of friends, funeral preparations, and the funeral itself—often structure this time for people. They are rarely alone. Sometimes the feeling of numbness persists, causing the person to feel as if he is mechanically going through rituals.” Therefore, for those who have suffered loss, the most difficult days are often the days after the funeral, when all the fuss associated with them is left behind, and the sudden emptiness makes them feel more acutely.loss.2. Stage of anger and resentment. After the fact of loss begins to be recognized, the absence of the deceased is felt more and more acutely. The thoughts of the grieving person revolve more and more around the misfortune that has befallen him. The circumstances of the death of a loved one and the events that preceded it are replayed in the mind again and again. The more a person thinks about what happened, the more questions he has. Yes, the loss has occurred, but the person is not yet ready to come to terms with it. He tries to comprehend with his mind what happened, to find the reasons for it, he has a lot of different “whys”: * Why did he have to die? Why exactly him?* Why (for what) did such a misfortune befall us?* Why did God allow him to die?* Why were the circumstances so unfortunate?* Why couldn’t the doctors save him? There can be many questions, and they pop up in the mind many times. When asking why he/she had to die, the griever does not expect an answer, but feels the need to ask again. The question itself is a cry of pain. At the same time, there are questions that establish who is “culpable” or at least involved in the misfortune that occurred. Simultaneously with the emergence of such questions, resentment and anger arise towards those who directly or indirectly contributed to the death of a loved one or did not prevent it. In this case, accusation and anger can be directed at fate, at God, at people: doctors, relatives, friends, colleagues of the deceased, at society as a whole, at murderers (or people directly responsible for the death of a loved one). It is noteworthy that the “judgment” carried out by the grieving person is more emotional than rational (and sometimes clearly irrational), and therefore sometimes leads to unfounded and even unfair verdicts. Anger, accusations and reproaches can be addressed to people who are not only not guilty of what happened, but even tried to help the now deceased. The complex of negative experiences encountered at this stage, including indignation, embitterment, irritation, resentment, envy and, possibly, a desire for revenge, can complicate the grief person’s communication with other people: with relatives and friends, with officials and authorities. Surprising as it may seem at first glance, the reaction of anger can also be directed at the deceased: for having abandoned and caused suffering; for not writing a will; left behind a bunch of problems, including financial ones; for having made a mistake and not being able to avoid death. Finally, the bereaved person's anger can be directed at himself. He can scold himself again for all sorts of mistakes (real and imaginary), for not being able to save, not saving, etc. 3. Stage of guilt. Just as many dying people experience a period when they try to be exemplary patients and promise to lead a good life if they recover, something similar can happen in the souls of those who are grieving, only in the past tense and on a fantasy level. A person suffering from remorse over the fact that he was unfair to the deceased or did not prevent his death may convince himself that if only it were possible to turn back time and return everything back, then he would certainly behave in the same way. to another. At the same time, the imagination can repeatedly play out how everything would have been then. Tormented by pangs of conscience, some bereaved people cry out to God: “Lord, if only You would bring him back, I would never quarrel with him again,” which again conveys a desire and a promise to make things right. Those experiencing loss often torture themselves with numerous “ if” or “what if”, sometimes acquiring an obsessive character:* “If only I knew...”* “If only I had stayed...”* “If only I had called earlier...”* “If I would have called an ambulance...”* “What if I hadn’t let her go to work that day?..”* “What if he had been on the next plane?..” All of this is completely natural reaction to loss. The work of grief is also expressed in them, albeit in a compromise form that softens the severity of the loss. Long-term guilt can be different: existential and neurotic.guilt is caused by real mistakes, when a person really did something “wrong” in relation to the deceased or, on the contrary, did not do something important for him. Such guilt, even if it persists for a long time, is absolutely normal, healthy and testifies, rather, to the moral maturity of a person than to the fact that not everything is in order with him. Neurotic guilt is “hung” from the outside - by the deceased himself, when he was still alive (“You will drive me into a coffin with your swinish behavior”), or by those around him (“Well, are you satisfied? Did you bring him to life?”) - and then is appropriated by the person . A suitable basis for its formation is created by a chronic feeling of guilt, which was formed even before the death of a loved one, and only increased after it. The idealization of the deceased can contribute to the increase and maintenance of the feeling of guilt. Any close human relationship is not without disagreements, troubles and conflicts, since we are all different people, each with our own weaknesses. However, if the deceased loved one is idealized, then in the minds of the grieving person his own shortcomings are exaggerated, and the shortcomings of the deceased are ignored. The feeling of one’s own badness against the backdrop of an idealized image of the deceased serves as a source of guilt and aggravates the suffering of the grieving person.4. Stage of suffering and depression. The point is that at a certain stage suffering reaches its peak and overshadows all other experiences. This is the period of maximum mental pain, which sometimes seems unbearable. The death of a loved one leaves a deep wound in a person’s heart and causes severe torment, felt even on the physical level. The suffering experienced by the bereaved is not constant, but usually comes in waves. Periodically, it subsides a little and seems to give the person a break, only to soon surge again. Suffering in the process of experiencing loss is often accompanied by crying. Tears may well up at any memory of the deceased, about the past life together and the circumstances of his death. Some people who are grieving become especially sensitive and ready to cry at any moment. The reason for tears can also be a feeling of loneliness, abandonment and self-pity. At the same time, longing for the deceased does not necessarily manifest itself in crying; suffering can be driven deep inside and find expression in depression. The process of experiencing deep grief almost always carries elements of depression. A person may feel helpless, lost, worthless, and empty. The general condition is often characterized by depression, apathy and hopelessness. The grieving person, despite the fact that he lives mainly in memories, nevertheless understands that the past cannot be returned. The present seems to him terrible and unbearable, and the future - unthinkable without the deceased and as if non-existent. The goals and meaning of life are lost, sometimes to the point that it seems to the person shocked by the loss that life is now over.5. Acceptance and reorganization stage. No matter how severe and prolonged the grief, in the end a person, as a rule, comes to emotional acceptance of the loss, which is accompanied by a weakening or transformation of the spiritual connection with the deceased. At the same time, the connection between times is restored: if before the grieving person lived mostly in the past and did not want (was not ready) to accept the changes that had taken place in his life, now he gradually regains the ability to fully live in the present reality surrounding him and look to the future with hope. A person restores temporarily lost social connections and makes new ones. Interest in meaningful activities returns, new points of application of one’s strengths and abilities open up. In other words, life returns in his eyes the value it had lost, and often new meanings are also discovered. Having accepted life without a deceased loved one, a person gains the ability to plan his own future destiny without him. Existing plans for the future are being restructured and new goals are emerging. This results in a reorganizationlife. These changes, of course, do not mean oblivion of the deceased. It simply takes a certain place in a person’s heart and ceases to be the focus of his life. At the same time, the survivor naturally continues to remember the deceased and even draws strength and finds support in the memory of him. In a person’s soul, instead of intense grief, a quiet sadness remains, which can be replaced by a light, bright sadness. How to help a grieving person? Create conditions for grief. The most important are the first two stages of grief. Therefore, it is especially necessary to create conditions for their full passage. During this time, it is advisable for the grieving person to free himself from both work and family responsibilities: if possible, take a vacation, entrust someone with looking after the children - in order to be able to be with his feelings. At these stages, the support of loved ones is especially important, and if it is not there, then the help of a specialist and, finally, independent self-care. At the stage of anger and resentment, it is very important to help close memories of the life of the deceased, reliving his entire life, starting from his earliest years life, look through his archives, his affairs, his photographs. And at this stage, by the way, certain myths are born, which is not bad, because this is how the family copes with grief. Certain ideas are born, some memorial ideas for a monument, compiling an album, and so on arise. That is, there are many very important things here that help to survive. And if someone helps the family survive, it means that he listens, listens many times to the same thing about the deceased - about how he was sick, about how he died , about what the family members were experiencing at that moment, this is all very important. And, of course, we need to take care of loved ones who are experiencing grief, so that they sleep, eat, rest and slowly return to life, which continues. It is important to remember that during grief, one of the most important ways of expressing emotions is tears. You definitely need to cry, despite the fact that it is very often customary to say: “Pull yourself together, stop crying, tears will not help your grief.” Of course, you can’t help a loss, but you can and should help yourself in your grief with tears. By crying, a person releases pain from himself. And if we talk about how to help, then first of all - give the person the right to his experiences. And let these experiences be. You should not console a person by saying that everything is fine. When you tell a suffering person that everything is fine, you are denying their suffering. It’s more important to say: “I understand how hurt you are right now. I feel your pain." And thereby you attach value to suffering, and, consequently, to loss. It is important not to abandon the person. What I mean? Very often we are not comfortable being with a grieving person, because someone else’s grief also touches our painful strings of soul. Some friends and acquaintances, unable to withstand the tension of others nearby, disappear from sight. And a person who already feels empty and lonely from loss may feel even more abandoned and lonely. There is also a downside to help: it is important to understand that there is no need to force help. It’s better to regularly offer to be together, call regularly and ask: “How are you?” And you must be prepared to receive an answer that everything is very bad, and not great. Even if you once offered your help and the person said that nothing was needed (and sometimes he may sharply refuse), still try not to be offended and repeat your offers of help after some time. Generally speaking, the main thing that each of us can give to our loved one in grief is support. Don't let one person get stuck in all of this. When a person cries, tell him: “Cry, and I’ll stay by your side.” In general, in grief, each of us needs a reliable shoulder where we can simply bury ourselves. And a strong hand to lean on. When a person suffers, he needs understanding and sympathy. And you don’t need smart people who tell you how to live and worry correctly. We don't have a culture of empathy, unfortunately. But.