“But I can’t divorce him, he’s my son...”. Yesterday my family and I went to the dacha. There we met neighbors in the alley - a common thing. We started talking. My neighbor Alina is a young mother of a two and a half year old girl who dotes on “her little princess.” And in fact, Marusya (that’s the girl’s name) is a very pretty and smart girl. It is clear that parents spare neither time nor money for the development and education of their child - this is great! BUT! The girl was very cheerful, ran around randomly... her eyes and cheeks somehow “burned” very brightly. And I asked mommy what could make their “princess” so happy. It turned out... she was given beer to try. To the question: “Why?”, Alina, smiling, answered that her husband drank and gave her a sip too. In addition, from her words, I understood that they were very amused, that they could not “tear the child away from the bottle,” and that a few sips “will do nothing, only make you sleep better.” And this was told to me by an adult with two higher educations. I will not report further on our conversation. But I concluded that, despite quite extensive information on the topic of alcoholism in the media, our ordinary people know absolutely nothing about the causes of the formation and occurrence of addictions - alcohol, drugs, gaming, emotional, etc. Meanwhile, a fairly large percentage of young people those suffering from one addiction or another come from, as they say, “decent” families. That is why, friends, I decided to share with you my experience and knowledge, which allowed me to draw some conclusions about the nature of this phenomenon, without pretending to be scientific or complete. A common myth about addiction is that it occurs under the influence of bad company. Usually, everything happens in the reverse order: it is thanks to the formed tendency to dependency that the child ends up in bad company. Dependence is formed by parents or other significant adults for the child. And this happens at a very early age, long before the child becomes able to join any company and become addicted to bad habits, that is, in the first years of the child’s life. “And at the forefront” in the formation of addiction (dependent behavior) “is” the emotional connection between the mother and her child. If the mother is emotionally available to the child, normal attachment occurs. The child receives peace, receives protection, security, pleasure. He feels that the world around him is good for him, well, because for him the whole world in infancy is his mother. Later, such children allow their mother to leave, they are sure that she will return. They can play separately from their mother, returning to her at some point. It’s funny to watch this picture: the baby crawled away from his mother, sat, played, then raised his eyes, found his mother with them, ran or crawled to her, clung to her or simply held on to her - and again ran to play. When a mother, for example, has prolonged postpartum depression, or she is afraid of not knowing how she will raise a child, because, for example, the baby’s father has proven himself unreliable and she has no one to rely on; or she is intertwined with someone from her family system, then mommy becomes cold and emotionally unavailable for her baby. The child instantly reads this information. At the same time, he can receive standard care: he is fed, bathed, etc., but the point here is not this standard care, the main thing here is that for the baby the mother is “closed” - the “flow of love” is interrupted. And then, the child develops a violation of emotional assessment, without which it is impossible for a person to make an independent choice. And when such grown-up children are told: “Let’s go have a drink (take an injection). Or bet all the money, etc.,” they do. Such people simply cannot choose. In addition, it is quite difficult for children with impaired attachment, even at a fairly adult age, to be without a mother. Because they don't momreceived,” they are constantly waiting for it. But mom, communication with mom is a pleasure; speaking in slang, it’s just a thrill for a child. And when something arises in a person’s life, some situation, like some emotional impulse to the desire to receive pleasure, any substance that activates this chain of pleasure will be recorded by the body. And as soon as, at some point in time, a person again has the feeling that there is not enough pleasure, a buzz in his life (and such sensations can arise quite often - after all, his mother was emotionally unavailable to him), the person will return to this substance again and again. Now let’s remember my little neighbor Marusya, who was in a state of euphoria from beer. Even if the girl’s attachment with her mother was not broken, her brain had already noted, perhaps even remembered, her emotional state from the intoxicating drink, and since A child’s metabolism is colossal, any impact can be catastrophic if it disrupts the natural course. And if a girl, being older, independently repeats her “high state” with the help of this drink, then the body can react to this as positive reinforcement, in other words, the brain “will dictate: only with the help of this will you feel good.” And then?... From the point of view of a systems approach, dependent behavior can be explained by intertwining or identification with someone from one’s ancestral system. Galina, 42 years old. Dentist. She divorced her husband when her son was six years old. The reason for the divorce is the spouse's alcoholism. After separating from her husband, she forbade him to meet with her son. Later she broke off all contacts with his relatives. Galina’s request was that she did not understand why her son was addicted to alcohol, although there had never been any alcohol in her “house with her son, and in her immediate environment.” Having chosen “Deputies” for herself, her son and his father, Galina placed them in the field. After some rearrangements, "Father" and "Son" took a position of complete identification. And Galina’s “Deputy” noted that she had exactly the same negative feelings towards her son as she did towards his father. The client was confused: she was only now able to realize, looking at her situation from the outside, that indeed, she behaves with her son as she once did with his father, has the same feelings for him... And with bitterness in her voice she whispered: “ But I can’t divorce him, he’s my son...” But the exciting question of our heroine: “How did it happen that the son became an almost complete copy of his father,” remained open for now. I will not describe the further course of the arrangement, in this case it does not matter much. I just want to say that this is the price of excluding the father from the family system. Galina, because of her grievances, broke off all ties between her son and father, but... it is not in our power to “cancel” reality. A family is a system, a pattern (beautiful or not is another matter, the main thing is not chaos). And each of us, whether he is a villain or a hero, has his own role in this context. The exclusion of even one stroke, one detail from this pattern changes the entire picture, hurts it, upsets the energy balance. The system heals the wound - and then the secret manifests itself... in the destinies of descendants. This is what happened in Galina’s story. When parents divorce, the child can only take one side - either mom or dad. And such a drama unfolds: if the child externally joins his mother, then internally, unconsciously, he joins his father. And then the son, as if protecting him, begins to act as a “representative” of the father in the family - he becomes like him, and in adolescence - fiercely similar. So the excluded family member... comes back. Everything that the mother represses, that the father denies, the son begins to reanimate, unconsciously restoring justice. He repeats the fate of the excluded family member with renewed vigor - aggravating it, in a rougher version. If the father was an alcoholic, then the son may become a drug addict if the father went intowork, then the son goes to the virtual world, to the “homeless”... And the more we resist someone repeating the fate of an excluded relative, the more inevitably it will be copied by a descendant. Therefore, dear mothers, I turn to you! We can understand your resentment towards your ex-husband and disappointment from the failed family relationship. But, you probably agree with me that you should not take revenge on your ex at the cost of the fate of your child with him. By prohibiting communication with the father, you, firstly, deprive your child of “roots”, potential, vital energy coming from the father’s ancestral system. Secondly, your son or daughter, in this case, can repeat the fate of his father, because For a child, dad will always, on an unconscious level, be the best, no matter what. But some of you may ask: “But it also happens that the fathers themselves, after separation, do not want and do not communicate with their children. What to do then? In this case, my friends, it would be good for the child, for his future, if mothers would tell their baby that, for example, “You have a dad. And he loves you very much (there will be no deception for the child here, because unconsciously every father loves his child - his blood flows in him, and for a man this is very important). It’s just that you can’t see each other for now.” Thus, you “free” your child from intertwining and the life flow of energy for him will be more powerful. I got a little distracted from the possible causes of addictive behavior, so let's get back to our topic. Undoubtedly, there are many reasons for addictions. And I can hardly describe them all within the framework of this article. Therefore, I will continue to consider our topic from the perspective of parent-child relationships. So, everyone knows that parents and the people who replace them are the architects of our destinies. And the main time for laying the foundation of destiny is quite short - from inception to 6 years of age. And if the child’s development occurs in a dysfunctional family, where upbringing is subject to certain rules, which are given below, then there is a high risk of dependent behavior in children, ending up in asocial groups, sects, etc. These are the rules: - Adults are the owners of the child. - Only adults determine what is right and wrong. - Parents keep an emotional distance. - The will of the child is regarded as stubbornness and must be broken as soon as possible. - Do not say. Don't feel it. Do not trust. And if you follow these rules, then two groups of people are formed in the family - the oppressors (parents), endowed with absolute power and control, and the oppressed (children). Such children may develop an unconscious desire to fall into the position of a victim. They are ready to become slaves, they do not know how to say “no” and set their own personal boundaries. In functional families, the development and upbringing of a child occurs under the following conditions: - Emerging problems are recognized and resolved. - Freedoms are encouraged (freedom of perception, freedom of thought and discussion, freedom to have your own feelings, desires). - Parents form a high level of self-esteem in the child, love and self-acceptance. This is achieved by showing unconditional love (love without any conditions, and not on the basis of, for example, good behavior or good grades in school). - Each family member has its own unique value. Individual differences between family members are highly valued. - Family members know how to satisfy their own needs. - Parents do what they say (I immediately remember this picture: the father is sitting, smoking, and with the next shake of the ashes he says to his son: “Smoking is harmful, son.” And with pleasure he takes another puff. What will the child perceive?). - There is a place for entertainment in the family. - Mistakes are forgiven, you learn from them. - The rules and laws in the family are flexible, they can be discussed. And now I suggest you do an exercise so that you can evaluate for yourself the system of raising children in your family. The exercise is quite simple, you needjust sincerely answer the following questions: 1. I am obliged to control my children, in other words, to force them to live the way I think is right. 2. I am superior to my children in all respects: in experience, intelligence, talent, etc. 3. My children are indebted to me for life for everything I have done to them. 4. I have a responsibility to be a perfect parent. 5. My children are more important than myself. If you agree with these statements, then you are a codependent parent. Codependent parents themselves do not feel comfortable, and their children are not allowed to develop harmoniously. Moreover, parental codependency puts children at increased risk of developing various forms of addiction. What to do with your codependency? Firstly, do not be upset and do not reproach yourself for mistakes. By the way, self-flagellation is also a sign of codependency. Codependent behavior is not shameful behavior, but a natural reaction to difficulties. And there is nothing personal in this reaction. A person behaves this way not because he voluntarily chose this form of behavior, but because codependency develops according to the laws of psychology in people who grew up in emotionally repressive families. Codependency is a natural companion to addiction in one of the family members. And one more thing, my friends, in the end I want to tell you that parenting can be learned. And therefore, everything is in your hands. For this reason I am providing some guidance for you. Which can be considered as positive reinforcement of the child on your part at different stages of his development. Reinforcement is phrases in the mouths of parents or the meaning of the attitude towards the child, which can be expressed without words (Jean Illslee Clarke “Help! For Parents of Children of Different Ages”, 1986). Stage 1. “Being”, from 0 to 6 month.I am glad that you are alive.You belong to us, you are ours.What you need is important to me.I am glad that you are you.You can grow at your own speed.I love you and willingly, voluntarily I care about you. Stage 2: Do, 6 to 18 months. You can explore the world, experiment, and I will support and protect you. You can use all your senses as you learn about the world. You can do things as many times as you need.You can know what you know.You can be interested in anything.I love watching you take initiative, grow and learn.I love you when you are active and I love you when you are calm. Stage 3. “Thinking”, from 18 months. up to 3 years old. I am glad that you are starting to think about yourself. It is normal and good for you if you are angry and I will not allow you to hurt yourself and others. You can say no and resist as much as you want required. You can learn to think for yourself, and I will think for myself. You can know what you need and ask for help. You can become a separate person from me, and I will continue to love you. Stage 4. “Identification and acquisition strength", from 3 to 6 years. You can explore who you are and find out who other people are. You can be both strong and asking for help. You can try yourself in different roles and in different ways feel your strength, your significance. You can detect the results of your behavior. All your feelings are good in communicating with me. You can understand what is good and what is “make-believe.” I love you for who you are. Stage 5. “Structuring”, from 6 to 12 years old You can think before you say yes or no and learn from your mistakes You can trust your intuition to help you decide what to do You can find your way and do things that work for you you, not against you. You can learn the rules that help people live among people. You can learn when and how to express disagreement. You can think about yourself and get help instead of being left alone with misfortune. I I love you even when we are different; I love growing with you. Stage 6. “Identification, Sexuality and Separation”…