From the author: The topic of today's article will be devoted to how parents, sometimes without realizing it, blackmail their children in pursuit of "good goals..." Hello, reasonable, loving and patient parents! Let's continue to talk about school, about children, about parents. Perhaps, recalling some situations, you will note that for “educational purposes”, you can formulate your requirements for a child like: “You know how we will love you if you become an excellent student!” or “Mom’s heart ached because of your bad mark - she was so upset,” “If you loved us, you wouldn’t upset us with bad marks.” All these “educational measures” are actually addressed not to the cognitive, but to the emotional sphere of the child, and are mainly caused by parental “school fears”, which we already talked about earlier. This leads to the fact that parents themselves, without realizing it, force child is afraid of school. The child begins to think that: “Because of school, they will love me less, or, even worse, they will think that I don’t love them enough.” Why does this happen? By school age, children have already learned to exchange their actions for someone else’s feelings and with your feelings to cause the actions of others. For example, potty training does not arise from the child’s physical needs, but is associated with his desire to retain his mother’s love. And then the child realizes that he receives “love” in response to some of his “actions,” but not in response to his feelings for his mother, which remain unchanged. Accordingly, the child begins to receive strokes and punishments not for what he feels or desires, but for whether he fulfills certain requirements or not. Thus, the child gains the experience of exchanging his actions for other people’s feelings, although each person retains a memory of a period of his life when he was “loved” for the very fact of his existence, without demanding anything “in return.” How does this happen? Throughout preschool childhood, the child learns to exchange his actions for the feelings of people close to him and with this experience he comes to school. And this is normal and usual. Something else is abnormal: if the child becomes completely convinced that this form of exchange is the only one. That is, that the feelings of others must be “earned” by one’s actions, or that he must experience certain feelings in response to the actions of other people addressed to him. It is sad if a child forgets that feelings can be exchanged for feelings without any action, for example, in love. Just as actions can be exchanged without the mediation of any feelings (for example, in production, trade, business and education too). And these forms of exchange are quite honest. At school, the child applies his experience of exchanging actions for feelings, but transfers it to his relationship with the teacher. The teacher often does not have the opportunity to return his feelings to everyone in response to the actions of everyone, or returns completely different feelings than the child expects. Because of this, the student may lose the desire to do anything at all if his actions are not rewarded with the expected feelings of an adult. And here, reasonable parents can “add” their feelings to the child in his home school work. What should parents do? The exchange of actions for feelings from the moment of transition to school occurs mainly between the school and the teacher. And, you, parents, can become less dependent on such an exchange. Here you get a new chance (if you, of course, have made up your mind about school), to play at home the role of a teacher interested exclusively in the development of the child’s knowledge, because you are not “asked”, but the teacher is “asked” for the final result. Thus, you get the opportunity to return to the child the situation of exchanging feelings for feelings and actions for actions, for which a school teacher, as a rule, does not have enough strength. What do we get as a result? By accepting new tasks of our parental role, we get the opportunity to overcome by helping the child , unresolved fears of our own childhood, and, using our “adult” experience, create conditions so that our child does not fall into the same traps that we fell into. WITH.