Self-concept is a system of a person’s attitudes about himself, a generalized idea of ​​himself. Many basic attitudes that a person includes in the self-concept are the subject of his cognitive or emotional distortion. Why? The self-concept is formed, develops, changes in the process of socialization of the individual, in the process of self-knowledge. The picture of self-image is first given to us by significant adults, people in the first circle. And into this assessment, they first of all bring in their ideas about the rules, norms, standards, levels and criteria for assessing both the external qualities of a person and characterological characteristics, their ideas about “the beautiful and the terrible,” right and wrong, decent, shameful, and so on. This can be called Level 1 Assessment - from significant loved ones. On its basis, not only cognitive beliefs about oneself are developed, the primary assessment forms scripted behavior. And there is also the level of the social circle, friends, ideals. And at each level, our False-I acquires new facets. Therefore, very often, the so-called “self-esteem” is alien for us, for our Real-I, a kind of “alien coat that doesn’t fit”, which we wear, but want get rid of. If we follow the metaphor of “someone else’s coat,” then it’s not so easy for us to throw it off, because we were given it “with the best intentions” and we believe that it is ours, that we are like that. I often hear this definition in sessions that people give to themselves: “This is who I am.” But in fact, he does not understand very well “what kind of person” a person is, and what he perceives as “his” qualities is a consequence of other people’s opinions. That initial assessment of people in a close circle is for us quite unconscious, uncritically introjected and built into the psyche. And it is the psyche that develops adaptation mechanisms, creating a False Self in order to adjust us, to fit us into the reality in which we can receive love and recognition. From practice: a client came with a request for traumatic rejection in a relationship, and the situation was repeated once over and over again. I give a standard set of techniques. Among the important ones that relate to the concept of “I” is a technique where you need to see yourself from the best side, well, so that, directly, “wow” from yourself. And what? Empty. The client voices: “Nothing special. Well, college, well, I live on my own, well, I provide for myself. But it’s not Moscow State University, the apartment is not on Rublyovka, and so the relationship doesn’t work out. What should I praise for?” To the question “what did my parents praise me for in childhood?”, she answers: “no way, I wasn’t someone outstanding. I can’t even remember.” The repression mechanism is in action. And it’s not she who says this. This is said by her introjects - subpersonalities that have become an integral part of the personality. Introjects are significant adults. Even if she doesn’t remember exactly what words they praised, she adopted the essence of behavior and the principle of attitude toward herself “one-to-one.” Why don’t warm, accepting relationships happen? Because they are not in experience. They cannot be recognized and chosen. Imagine that you are walking through a crowd and then you hear a familiar voice, intonation, and catch a glimpse of a familiar face. Introduced? Now attention will be directed there, to a familiar face, image. And the crowd is no longer so scary and random becomes so close and understandable. As Freud said: we cannot choose someone who is not in our experience. This is how choosing a partner happens. Complex, multifaceted, at different levels of the unconscious and preconscious. A little from mom, a little from dad, a little from their togetherness, plus a little expectation from yourself and the other - and love is ready. The psyche will always, for safety reasons, choose the “familiar”, what seems familiar, familiar. And so the client chooses the same functional partners as herself. And education, and appearance, and attraction. But only for a short time. It is impossible to build relationships from the False-I. It relies on the perception of another, and it will always be unsteady and changeable. As long as the “rosy” idea of ​​the Other gives love anesthesia, everything is ok. But here are the functions in relationships?"