Have you ever made a seemingly reasonable request, in a “normal” tone, with a completely adequate desire to your Partner, and faced a sharp reaction or a clear refusal? "No"? Or even worse: “Did you ask?”, where the person opposite you does not remember that you wanted something. I have been in both situations. I will say that there is little pleasant, it can be offensive, annoying and “out of spite.” Of course, you can blame what is happening on the Partner, convict him of deafness and selfishness, but very often, when feelings calm down, after conducting a “debriefing”, one can understand that if I knew how to formulate requests better, or perhaps would have said them in other words (by the way, this is the most difficult place to understand where requests change into demands), they would have heard me and done what I needed. These situations are more common, than I would like. Perhaps this is because in our culture it is common to talk about our needs incorrectly (“Decent people do not put others in difficult situations” or “If you can’t help yourself, no one will help you” and “Haven’t you figured it out yet”) or simply because we are taught unproductive strategies - asking others what we need or "correctly" ordering. I believe there are a couple of important points to pay attention to: the differences between "requesting" and "demanding" feeling angry when refusal “correct” pleading words correspondence of energy in the phrase with the desire to ask, what does your listener hear: a request or a demand? 1. Request or demand In my opinion, this is the most difficult thing. Very often, “polite and well-mannered” women find it difficult to realize and admit the fact that they are masking a demand as a request, which a man actually reads as a demand. What we get is “no”!! How to understand whether you are demanding or asking. The answer is simple - ask yourself the following questions: “If I, when making a request to my Partner, actually meant a demand, and received a “no,” will I begin to judge my man?” . If yes, then you are asking “politely”. This is the solution. And if, in your consciousness, a plan of revenge arises, according to the principle “you tell me - I tell you,” then you are 100% a demanding hypocrite. So, when you (I) honestly admitted to yourself your tendency to demand from people and disguise it as I request you to move on. And then we are faced with a feeling of anger, which arises both from awareness and from an unsatisfied request-demand.2. Feeling of anger Anger arises from the following thoughts: I really want something and I don’t get it. I believe that someone should give it to me. I’m simply unable (too lazy) to find an alternative to what I want and demand “qiqa” like a capricious child. When we demand something, it usually means that we are very attached to something, there is something that I want so much that I cannot conduct a dialogue with the one from whom I want to ask something. If this drives us, we don’t get the desired result. What should we do? I suggest, in this case, take a time out. This time can be used for analysis to understand what my needs really are and what options I have if my request is not responded to.3. “Correct” pleading words There are quite effective and “positive” ways of making requests. The word “positive” means that I am asking for what I want, not what I DO NOT want (which would be negative language in this case). So! 1) Talk about something specific, not something in general: If you ask for something in general, for example, say: “I want you to respect me,” I will call it a “desire”, and not a request. If you say “I want you to be more attentive to me” - this will not be a specific request, but a request - a desire. But if you say: “Do you agree to go down to the car and help me unload the groceries every time when are you home?” - this will be just a specific request. 2) Use “I want you” instead of “I want you not” If you ask someone to “stop being the way they are”, they maySeveral problems arise: First, Patner hasn't even heard what you want him to do. He heard what you want him not to do. Secondly, you use the verb "to be." You're not telling a man to stop doing something, but to stop being someone. That's why I advise avoiding requests with the verb "to be." It’s better to come up with a specific action that a person can do to satisfy your need. 3) Ask in the present tense: The request - “Next time, please put your plate in the sink” - is, in principle, formulated correctly, it is specific, but it is about future action (“next time”). “I want you to learn to calmly endure our meetings with relatives” - future. But “Are you willing to listen to my ideas about what will help you calm down and relax when our family is together” is real. 4) Formulate open requests, i.e. ones that encourage further conversation. Avoid words that sound like an ultimatum: “Are you home?”, “Shall we watch a movie now?”, “Will you do aerobics three times a week for half an hour?” – all requests are truly positive, present and feasible. I like it. But each of them can be answered simply “yes” or “no”; there is no way to continue the conversation. These requests can be turned into open requests by using alternative and clarifying questions. This will help keep the conversation going and clarify your Partner's position. 5) Make a request to the person individually, not as a group: “I want us to start treating each other with respect.” or “I want us to change something in our relationship.” Do you hear? Do you get it? A requirement that not only comes from a position that takes a long time, but also has an aggressively generalizing character. This doesn't work. Me! Me! and only me! Start with yourself. This includes trust, contact, openness, and specificity.4. Request or Demand? Finally, there is a final element in the realm of requests that is most difficult to control: Does the listener hear a demand (i.e. a situation being created that threatens his/her independence) or a request (a wonderful opportunity to help and give a gift to another human being) ).This is a difficult moment: I do everything “right” (make an open request, choose the right words) and still receive a negative reaction or dissatisfied agreement. Most likely, my listener heard the demand. The problem at this stage may be that I started the request with the energy of a request, but then began to shift and put pressure on the person. How can you understand that the person heard the demand and not the request? Based on the answer “yes”/“no” and how the Partner perceived you as a whole (his facial expressions, sensations and feelings) What can I do in such a situation? Firstly, take a break. Secondly, make sure that the person actually heard a demand instead of a request: “Tell me, although you agreed, it seemed to me that it was reluctant. Maybe you thought that I was only waiting for one “correct” answer, or that I would somehow “punish” you if you didn’t agree?” If the person somehow makes it clear that this is indeed the case, you can say: “Tell me, how should I have said this so that you would understand that I do not use force, that you have the right to choose, and I respect it?” It is not surprising that some people brought up in an environment of demands (explicit and implicit) have a hard time believing that they are actually being asked to do something. Make it clear!5. Correspondence of energy in a phrase with the desire to ask I will be brief here. You started with a request, then shifted and started demanding. Most often, this happens because feelings and expectations are overwhelming - this time, and because you are strongly tied to the result itself. What to do about it? Immediately look for an alternative to any answer “Yes” / “No”, “Later”, “I’m busy”, etc. So, to summarize: 3 main elements of a request: Are you really making a request? Are the words you use appropriate ( five techniques) to the desire to ask? Does your listener hear a request or demand? I don’t know if these seemed to you.