I’ll start this serious topic with a funny poem: There is a shortage of finances, There is a deficiency of iron in the blood, There are few chances in life, But worse is a lack of love. People often come to me clients who are critically lacking something: love, warmth, family, money, attention, recognition, fame... Today I propose to talk specifically about the lack of love. Because this is the most important “ingredient” for a person. After all, the feeling of a chronic lack of love can even lead to terror from a lover: “Why do you call so rarely? Why don't you invite me to live together? Why don’t you provide for me?” etc. Some women want their mother to finally notice them and begin to perceive them as adults - with their own opinion, position, personal life. “Why is my mother picking on me? Why is she constantly unhappy with me?” This is a request to be noticed and accepted by mom. Here are some examples of unjustified expectations: For example, when I weighed 10 kg less, my mother said that I was too thin. Now she thinks that I have gained weight and is giving me recommendations from nutritionists. In both cases, I feel my mother’s rejection of me for who I am. Or another example: my client’s husband devalues ​​her as a stylist, believes that this is not a job, but “woman’s things,” and does not give money for training. She already had several clients, her first income appeared, but the man does not notice this and devalues ​​her choice. According to him, she is a nobody, and he supports his family alone. A husband primarily needs a wife, not a stylist, so a woman busy with training is not suitable for him. The client studies at night, trying her best to prove to her husband that being a stylist is a profession, and she is also a worthy person! She is waiting for recognition from her husband, but is unlikely to ever receive it. Another client of mine complains that her teenage daughter “hangs out” on her phone all the time, has become withdrawn, does not share anything herself, and is also not interested in her mother’s affairs. A woman’s dream of being friends with her daughter remains just a dream. The client wants communication with her daughter, her attention, but receives neither one nor the other. All three examples are about psychological deficits that lead to problems not only in personal life, but also in business. What are internal deficits? These are states of lack of something within oneself. As a rule, we are talking about a lack of love, attention, care, energy, trust. How are dependent relationships formed? When a person feels that he lacks all this, he tries to satisfy his needs at the expense of other people. This is how different types of dependencies arise. For example, love. Your personality becomes complete only at the expense of another person. Through his attention and love, you complete your personality and close your inner voids. Self-attitude is formed through this person’s attitude towards you: “If he is with me, praises me, accepts me, then “I’m okay.” If he criticizes, betrays, disappears, then “I’m not okay.” Clients describe the loss of relationships with such people as the loss of a part of themselves. It’s as if they are left without an arm or a leg. They are very afraid of losing the object of their love. He needs to be held, controlled. And if he has disappeared, they begin to suffer for him. Where are the sources of addiction? All dependent relationships are built on a similar principle and create a large number of internal difficulties. If we take a closer look at the contact with another person, formed in the form of dependence, it turns out that behind all this there are children’s internal deficits. The child once did not receive the right amount of attention and love, and now the adult is looking for someone who should make up for it all. . However, the whole point is that internal deficits cannot be filled from the outside. None of your partners can or should become a “mother” for you. Some people can expect something from a person for a very long time, but as a result they are left with nothing, because he simply cannot give what he wants. Having not received what they wanted from a person, they begin to get angry with him. Experiencing various kinds of hunger and transferring it to other areas is a commonphenomenon. For example, you can be insatiable for food, sex or money. Causes of emotional hunger - I don’t recognize my need. For example, it seems that I want recognition from my dad, but in reality I need acceptance. - I don’t feel worthy to accept. As if I don’t have the right to do this. - I don’t notice what they give me, I slip by without awareness. Then a claim arises: “I need another love.” There is a lot of food around me - vegetable gardens, orchards, farms. But for some reason I go to the edge of an empty field of weeds and wait for the fruits there. Some women wait for love from narcissistic men, try to build relationships with unsuitable partners and experience a lot of suffering from this. At the same time, they stubbornly continue to wait, of course, not getting what they expected. Well, let’s get into practice? I propose today to explore how your internal deficits are structured. To do this, we will do an exercise with questions, visualization and transformation. You will need a pen, paper and a chair. Answer the following questions in writing: What and where do you remain “hungry”? What are you missing? Example answers: love / acceptance / freedom / apology / repentance / gifts / money2. From whom do you not get what you want? For example, your mother does not notice that you have grown up, have a different opinion, choose other men, etc. Your answer: ___ 3. What would your direct demand sound like to the person from whom you expect something? Options: give me / love me / notice me, etc.4. How will you know when they give it to you? What will change in your life and sense of self if this person gives you what you are waiting for? Examples of answers: not at all / I will feel happy.5. What happens if a person never gives this to you? Examples of answers: your sense of self will not change / life will change.6. Write an appeal to this person: “If you don’t give me “...”, then I will be unhappy and in retaliation to you “...”. Or come up with a different ending: what will happen if they don’t give you this. Think about how many months, years you will spend waiting for this from a person? Your answer: ___7. Say this phrase out loud and write down whether you believe what you are saying. For example. “Mom, notice me! If you don’t notice me, then I will consider myself a failure, unnecessary and lonely. I won't forgive you for this. I’m ready to wait for you to give me what I want for another year.” Your answer: ___8. Imagine an image of a person from whom you expect something. For example, mothers. “Sit” her on an empty chair. Tell your mother your message from the previous paragraph. Now sit in the place of your mother or the person from whom you expect something. Tell yourself from this image: “I will not give you this. I only give you what I can." Realize: if they don’t give you something for so long, it means they can’t or don’t want to.9. Assess and record your feelings. What did you experience? Example answers: disappointment/annoyance. Consider whether you can give yourself what you are waiting for, or whether you should look elsewhere. Decide whether you will wait and continue to demand this from the person or stop. 10. Try to separate the self-attitude and attitude towards you from this person. Maybe he didn’t value you, but you value yourself. He didn’t notice you, but you notice yourself. Self-attitude should not change depending on the opinions of others. 11. Say: “I decided that I will no longer wait for you to notice me, love me, give me warmth. I will give up trying to see approval and acceptance from you. I will give myself acceptance or I will get it elsewhere. I will no longer ignore and abandon myself like you do.” Well, did you manage to answer all the questions? Tell me how you felt when you did the exercise? Were you able to free yourself from the need to get what you want from this person at any cost? Is it at least a little easier for you? If you are ready for changes, want to start living in a new way, stop depending on other people’s opinions, acceptance, love, experiencing constant emotional hunger, I suggest you write to me in direct message, and together we will analyze your situation. Believe me, there is a way out there is always! But when viewed from the inside, it is not always.