From the author: The search for an ideal upbringing system is like the search for the philosopher's stone: an entertaining activity, but the result is unpredictable. Sometimes along this path it is possible to create gold from copper, but more often nothing worthwhile comes out even from nuggets. Nevertheless, alchemical formulas are passed down by word of mouth, from generation to generation, even if their results are disastrous. Let's try to look at these ideas about ideal upbringing through the eyes of a parent, a child and a psychologist. Vitaly Sonkin, psychologist, psychotherapist Every good, diligent parent dreams of finding an ideal way of upbringing. How to raise a child happy, well-mannered and satisfied with life - there has been talk and gossip about this for as long as parents and grandparents have existed. In many families, some directly and some hidden, there are rules by which they educate and teach, punish and reward. Large pedagogical systems and private family orders are built on these rules. But how to understand this variety of often contradictory approaches to raising a child, how not to go to extremes - this will be discussed in this article. Don’t forbid anything “For a child to grow into a real robber, he needs to be pampered properly!” One of the widespread and favorite parenting principles of modern parents comes down to a simple rule: the child should try to allow everything. Let's try to look at this method from three sides: parents, child and psychologist. Parent: childhood happens once in a lifetime. And there are so many prohibitions and restrictions in the world that everyone has time to eat enough of them. But at least for now, in the circle of close people, the child can fully realize all his desires. He himself knows better than anyone what he needs, what he wants. Therefore, it is enough to listen to his desires and fulfill them. Of course, sometimes he wants something impossible. But you can always distract him, or offer him something even more attractive, but permitted. Yes, sometimes he behaves provocatively and is inconvenient for others, but that’s okay, they’ll tolerate it. The main thing is that he is satisfied and happy. Frankly, sometimes his behavior is annoying, but this is also not scary. After all, if you don’t show it, he won’t even know about it. But in the future, this will pay off handsomely: he will grow up to be independent, free-thinking, will always know what he wants, will achieve it no matter what, and will be successful. And then, for sure, he will understand how much effort the parents put into this, and will thank them. Child: apparently, parents were created specifically to satisfy all desires. But sometimes they deceive, do what is convenient for them, passing it off as what I want. But I don’t know what my desires actually are. The world is so diverse, you want to try everything. I want what I see at the moment. If you manage to get it now, it’s not bad (as it should be), but if not, then it’s monstrous and unfair! My parents cannot be a reliable support for me: they don’t teach the rules that exist in life, I can control them, but don't lean on it. Sometimes I try to find toughness and stability in them, I check how ready they are to follow my lead. In response, they either give in or for some reason respond too harshly. Sometimes when they don't fight me back, I get angry with them! Then I like to bring them up, to look for them when their patience runs out. They say that I'm annoying them, but I just want to see them as strong and mature, who I can rely on and who don't pretend (even if it's for my benefit). Other people call me selfish, irresponsible, superficial, but that's my parents' fault. “That’s how they raised me.” Therefore, I cannot change anything, but I have the right to have complaints against them. Psychologist: parents of spoiled children are good parents. They try very hard, put in a lot of effort, and really believe in their child. But they most likely will not receive gratitude and friendship, the child’s early independence. Such children soon find it difficult to relate to others: other adults, and especially their peers, do notintend to cater to every whim and requirement. True, such a child learns to achieve his goal, despite the prohibitions and rules, the opinions and feelings of other people. But it is unlikely that he will be truly happy from this. In addition, he is also not very good with himself: he does not know how to choose, he has not been taught to set priorities, his will suffers. Even if it seems to him that he knows what he wants, it is extremely difficult for him to achieve this, because on the way to real achievements there is often humility and refusal of something that is unbearable for him. Such children often find it difficult to understand and follow the rules , take responsibility for something, take care of someone other than yourself. They poorly understand the boundaries of what is permitted and suffer from this: after all, condemnation always falls upon them unexpectedly. Many parents believe that such a child grows up to be more independent. But this is not true. Any child needs to be under care, needs those who will give him clear and precise guidelines: what can be done and what cannot be done, how to behave well and how badly. But this does not mean that there is no need to spoil the child. Don’t deprive yourself and him of this pleasure! One should be wary of self-indulgence raised to a principle. If a child is pampered from time to time, or when visiting his grandmother, or on holidays, then there is nothing wrong with that - it is pleasant and joyful for everyone! Little adult “Woe from Wit” Some parents take their upbringing very seriously. In this case, they consider it their duty to explain to the child both the laws of the world order and the rules of behavior. Detailed explanations and a serious adult attitude towards a child can have not only beneficial consequences. But let's take things one step at a time. Parents: we want to see our child smart and understanding. The best way to do this is to treat him like an adult. We talk a lot, answer his questions about everything that interests him. Of course, if we prohibit something, we explain in detail why this cannot be done. If we ask for something (yes, we never demand, we only ask), then we explain why it is important and necessary to do. It seems that he should understand everything, and he pleases us with his intellectual abilities. But for some reason, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to explain something to him. He becomes very demanding, emotional, sometimes uncontrollable. There are a thousand counterarguments to our arguments. It’s not clear why this happens? After all, we explain everything, we always strive for him to understand and accept all our decisions! Child: they explain so much to me that I have learned to build logical chains myself no worse than my parents. Now they won’t be able to talk their way into my mouth and explain that washing the dishes or doing homework is mandatory! And even more so, to prove that they need to dress or behave the way they want. It’s easy for me to win in any dispute. If I think about it, I’m pleased that my parents treat me like an adult. But, to be honest, this is not what I would like from them. I want them to hear me, worry about what is happening to me, and not explain it. Therefore, sometimes I even scare or anger them in order to somehow force them to say something emotional and not intellectual. It can be difficult for other people with me. I’m an interesting conversationalist, but it’s very difficult to convince me of something: if I’m stubborn, I can’t be moved. When you just need to agree with the rules and quickly do what is said, I will definitely spend a long time figuring out who needs it and why. And for some reason other adults don’t like this. And the parents don’t like it either, I see how angry they are, but they still explain and explain. Psychologist: the rule favored by many democratically minded parents: to treat the child as a small adult - has a significant drawback. In fact, a child is not an adult. He is not yet ready to take responsibility for the decisions made, he cannot make his own choices because he lacks experience, he is not responsible for himself. Yes, it’s too early for him to answer for himself - that’s why mom and dad exist. However, when parentsexplain to the child, they seem to ensure that he makes a decision on his own. This is not entirely fair, because the parents are trying to get him to make the “only right” decision, that is, their own decision. But the child has the illusion that he himself decided this, based on logical justification. The trouble is that almost anything can be justified logically. So the child, having become accustomed to such an attitude, begins to justify decisions that the parents do not like at all. But these are the rules of the game that they themselves accepted! The trouble with this situation is that the child receives a lot of freedom, but little responsibility (and he will easily justify this), and the parents receive a lot of responsibility, but little power. But both freedom without responsibility and responsibility without power (or strength) can only exist as an illusion, self-deception. Another problem is that children really need emotional reactions and attention to their needs from their parents, but receive only intellectual explanations and logical constructions. They begin to achieve what they lack by any means, immensely surprising parents with such an ungrateful attitude. This does not mean that there is no need to explain, exhort and logically build justifications for decisions with children. It is only important to remember that the child still depends on his parents, that he should know from childhood that sometimes the word of the parents is the law without any reasoning. It is important to sometimes discard any intellectual conversations in order to talk heart to heart with your child: tell what you are experiencing (and not thinking), listening to what he feels (and not thinking). Severity and punishments “For a beaten person, they give two unbeaten ones” There is an old belief that the stricter the prohibitions and the more severe the punishment, the better the child will grow up. This idea has been refuted many times, both in theories and in research, but for some reason it is incredibly tenacious. Let's try to look at it from several sides. Parents: the child must know the strict rules! And the best way to deal with disobedience is immediate punishment. Everyone knows that the more severely you punish, the longer it will be remembered. After all, this is the only way to keep him from misdeeds and crimes! Are there others? We ourselves were punished in childhood, and not so much, and now we have grown up to be decent people. The absence of punishment corrupts the child. Of course, he is not happy that we are so strict with him, but this is for his good. He will grow up and understand this. Yes, he is offended now. Sometimes it is difficult for us to cope with this: we have to feel guilty for punishing so severely. But this can be somehow made up for: if you have gone too far with the punishment, give him something. For now, the child is moving away because of the punishments, but maybe when he grows up, he will understand that there was simply no other way, just as we understood our parents. Although the resentment towards them remains...Child: my parents cannot understand me. I love them very much, but sometimes I feel like they hate me. They say that they want me to grow up to be a “decent person,” but who that is is unclear. I know what not to do (although I often find out about it after I’ve done it), but I don’t know what I should be like. I am often punished, but this has its advantages: firstly, all my friends are surprised when I tell them about cruelty of parents, secondly, if I do something bad, I have the right to do so - after all, they treat me so harshly! Thirdly, when I punish me too much, my parents make amends for their guilt, so sometimes I deliberately annoy them so that later I can get what I need. It’s easy to get used to severity and not pay attention to it. True, I often have to deceive - because you never know for sure whether I will be punished for something or not. You have to lie even in small things. It’s better to hide everything from them, it’s safer. Other adults and children consider me cruel and uncontrollable. But this is the only way I know how to resolve conflicts and sort things out - by force. Nobody taught me otherwise. So let them endure it and blame my parents for everything. Psychologist: punishmentsoften destroy trusting relationships. If a child is often scolded and punished, he is not inclined to believe that he can be understood and listened to, prefers to hide and build a wall between himself and his parents. Although the child always wants to be closer to his parents, it is difficult for him to meet all expectations, and there is no need to count on leniency. Frequent punishments lead to a paradoxical effect: the child ceases to feel guilty, his conscience seems to atrophy and stops working. And why, its functions are performed entirely by adults. Such a child more often feels offended than guilty, since no punishment can be truly fair. Punishment allows you to not feel guilty. As a result, the child becomes unable to focus on the law that exists and guides us in our actions, on our own morality. It is replaced by fear of punishment. In this case, it turns out to be more important to avoid this inevitable punishment, rather than actions that are perceived as bad, immoral. Instead of guilt, the punished child feels offended and oppressed by his parents. Parents, on the contrary, begin to feel guilty. This gives the child the right to the next offense, and ties the hands of adults. In addition, punishment, especially corporal, is always associated with humiliation of the child’s dignity. This teaches him to treat others the same way, makes him insecure, and creates a feeling of insignificant value for himself. This does not mean that such a child becomes shy and obedient, often just the opposite. Not seeing himself as valuable to his parents, he tries to prove his worth to himself by asserting himself among his peers in the way he knows - through force, authoritarianism. However, this does not mean that any punishment is harmful. Sometimes children have to be punished. But punishments must be clear to the child and follow directly from the action. If there is a logical connection between the offense and the punishment, then it is perceived as more fair. For example, if a child refuses to eat soup, he is deprived of sweets; if he gets a bad grade, he must be subject (for some time) to parental control over completing his homework; if he breaks something, breaks it, or gets it dirty, he must clean up after himself; it is possible to compensate for the damage from pocket money. Actually, this is not really a punishment, it is only a direct consequence of the child’s actions, his responsibility for his actions. Let us add that forgiveness has an amazing, often transformative effect on the child. When he feels guilty, but adults forgive him, he sees his value to them, sees their faith that he himself is able to evaluate his actions, and sees him as a responsible and moral person. Immeasurable support “The cutest one” Always accepting and supporting your child is a natural desire of parents. But sometimes it becomes an educational principle, and then its usefulness is not so clear. Let's look at it from different points of view. Parents: who else will care and protect the child if not us? In order for him to grow up happy and contented, we simply must provide him with constant love and support. It's not that hard to do: we really admire everything about him. If you constantly tell him about this, emphasize how wonderful, wonderful and wonderful he is, how much he can and knows how to do, he himself must believe it. Let him hear from us all the time how much we like him! Other adults, and children, should also know what a wonderful child we have. Therefore, we will also definitely inform them about this and prove it. If someone does not agree, then it is better for us not to communicate at all, in order to protect the child from unnecessary criticism, and ourselves from irritation. The main thing is that the child always feels confident and knows that he will be supported in any endeavor. We will explain to him that those who criticize him or accuse him of something are not happy with him, in fact they do not understand anything and are themselves to blame for the current situations. Evenif this is not the case, it is more important to support the child's self-confidence. Of course, sometimes it is difficult, because we know that not everything he does is good. But it's better not to tell him about it. Firstly, this will upset him, and secondly, he tolerates any reproaches very painfully and touchily. So it’s better to keep our mouths shut when we are not happy with something. But when he grows up, he will be able to achieve a lot, because he is so confident in himself, so kindly treated, feels so much love and support for himself! Child: I know that I am a wonderful child. People tell me this often. But I think I deserve even more recognition than I get. My parents are very lucky that they have such a wonderful me (they tell me this themselves). I don't think they're even very worthy of me. In any case, they are not able to notice that I am doing something wrong. They sometimes say that they love me without demanding anything in return - and I wouldn’t give them anything in return, that’s it! They should love me! And yet, they must provide me with everything I need, always support, care, praise, protect. But I don’t owe them anything, they should be grateful that they already have me, that they can be so proud of me! Other people sometimes criticize me, but I know that I can’t be guilty of anything, because I'm so wonderful. I don't like those who don't recognize my merits. But I learned to prove to myself that they are worthless if they don’t notice how good I am, or maybe they are just jealous. But I cannot respect those who notice either. Sometimes I feel sad that my parents are so simple-minded that they idealize me so much. After all, I want them to see me myself, with my shortcomings and insecurities, and not the ideal image that they want to create of me. But they seem to be incapable of doing this! That’s why sometimes I even despise them for being so blind. When they do lose their temper and say something bad about me, I feel very unhappy, because I am not used to such an attitude. It seems to me that they have stopped loving me, because they say that their love is full support for all my endeavors. And then I feel scared and lonely. Or I devalue their words, just as they taught me to devalue other people's words. It can be difficult for me to communicate because for some reason other people are not ready to admire me all the time. Even close friends sometimes criticize me, and I take it very painfully, so I prefer not to make really close friends. In addition, my loved ones can see my real shortcomings, and it will be more difficult to devalue them. I want to achieve a lot in life, because I deserve it! But often I don’t succeed, because angry, envious people begin to criticize me and put a spoke in my wheels. I am not able to notice my shortcomings, and therefore it can be difficult for me to develop. Psychologist: the fashionable phrase “unconditional acceptance” is fraught with hidden dangers. In fact, we love, but we set conditions. Even those parents who always only support their child want him to achieve a lot. To do this, they nurture his self-esteem. But high self-esteem is not a guarantee of success, which often depends on the assessments of other people (not only and not so much parents). Such children, spoiled by attention, praise and care, often lack responsibility and respect for other people. Constantly receiving love, they do not know how to give it, they do not know that “to whom much is given, much is asked of them.” Taking as their own merit something that is not their merit, they begin to treat others condescendingly. Often such children never tire of pleasing their parents and basking in the attention and admiration of everyone around them until adolescence. But, having become teenagers, they are faced with the fact that the demands placed on them increase, that they receive more varied assessments of their behavior, that they are expected to be responsible for their actions, but they are not ready for this. In this case, they are forced to either devalue their parents, making sure that their praise was nottruthful, or devalue everyone else, deciding that only their parents perceive them “objectively,” that is, exclusively positively. Both scenarios do little to help the child become happy and successful, as the parents dreamed of. However, it is necessary to support and encourage the child. This helps him evaluate his strengths, face his successes, and believe in himself. But support should not be devalued, devalued because of trivial reasons, demonstrativeness and pretense. It is worth encouraging and supporting only what is really important for parents and for the child himself, otherwise obsessive praise will begin to irritate and tire, and people will no longer believe in it. Praise should be an important message of recognition of real merit, responsible decisions, independent actions, and a job well done. Then it will be valued, help the child develop, and strengthen his faith in his own strength. Cultivating humility “Well done among the sheep...” There is also the opposite way of education, which involves a minimum of support and praise from parents. It is not so common now, it is associated with the “old school”, but we will briefly look at it too. Parents: let others praise the child. Praising a child is the same as praising yourself. Our task is to point out to him all his flaws and mistakes, because no one else will do this. If he did something well, then we are proud of him, but this is how it should always be! What is there to praise for? But if you did something badly, then you need to point out what exactly is wrong, force them to redo it until it’s good. Telling a child that he did something perfectly means telling him that he may not strive for even better. So we will show him that he is not good enough, he doesn’t try enough, maybe more. We believe in him, that’s why we demand it. We also ask other adults not to praise him too much. Of course, we secretly tell him how great he is, but never in front of him. If someone praises him, we will definitely say that, in general, he could have tried harder, and that there is nothing special to praise him for. After all, the main thing is that he doesn’t become proud and doesn’t give up! He gets offended at us sometimes and says that he hasn’t heard any kind words from us. Probably someday he will know that we have always been proud of him, but it’s too early. When he achieves something really important, then maybe we’ll praise him. Child: All they do is scold me! It's very tiring and unpleasant. Sometimes I want to do nothing at all: after all, I know that no matter what and no matter how I do, I still won’t be praised. Sometimes it seems to me that it is impossible to prove to my parents that I am capable of something. And then I give up. The worst thing is that my parents shame me in front of other people, talking about my shortcomings. Therefore, I am embarrassed by them, I try to avoid their meetings with people who are important to me. Sometimes it is difficult for me to accept praise from other people. If someone tells me that I did well, then I don’t believe it. Can I do something well? It’s difficult for me to share anything with my parents: after all, they will explain to me what I’m doing wrong, what I did wrong, be it studies, friendship or romantic relationships. They never take my side. That’s why we don’t have a lot of topics to talk about: it’s better for me to look for hobbies that they don’t understand anything about. I know that somewhere deep down in their souls they love me, but somewhere very deep, and that makes me sad. Psychologist: Children who are very rarely praised, but often criticized by their parents, can choose two paths. Either they give up, despairing of earning praise and completely losing confidence in themselves, or they strive for success, hopelessly trying to prove that they are worthy of something. But neither one nor the other path can be called joyful for the child. Typically, such parents assume that their faith in the child’s merits and abilities is taken for granted. However, they do not report it. However, this is not obvious to a child. Trust and relationships deteriorate as a result: who would want to listen all the time?.