The ABC of Family Relations Every parent knows, or at least has heard, about a child’s age-related crises. Some parents know how they manifest themselves, and another part knows how to help their child overcome these crises of growing up. But which parent knows what crises lie in wait for a family in its development? But a family is an organism, or rather a system that develops according to certain laws, lives within given boundaries, grows and develops. And like every system, the family has crises of growth and development. And some of these crises can be oh-so-painful, and at the peak of this crisis, which will certainly be followed by a transition of the family to a new qualitative level, the system cannot stand it and... the family breaks up. Why do parents, who pay so much attention to their child and read literature on the upbringing and development of their child, pay so little attention to the development of their own family? Maybe because we perceive the family as a kind of shell that surrounds us, like air. After all, as long as we have enough air, as long as it is clean and fragrant, we don’t think about where it comes from and why we feel comfortable breathing it. But as soon as there are interruptions in the “supply” of air, as soon as we don’t like what we breathe, we try to change something and think about what is happening to this invisible and so necessary component of life, air. So in the family, we begin to think about how the family works, and why everything happens in it this way and not otherwise, only when we feel cramped and stuffy in the family atmosphere. And sometimes it seems that the only way out is to run away from where we feel bad and can’t breathe, but running away from the problem does not solve it. And unresolved problems tend to return to our lives. Until we learn the lesson of this problem and learn to think and act differently. Until we accept with gratitude and love everything that happens to us. So what initial skills are needed to make your family life filled with love and not disappointment. I think that basic skills include knowledge of the stages of family development and the crises that accompany each stage of development. Don’t let the word crisis scare you; take it as a kind of indicator of changes taking place in your family. Besides, forewarned is forearmed. So, when is a family born? When two people come together to live together in love and joy for the rest of their days? Or when the first baby appears in the family? Or maybe when we ate a pound of salt together, copper pipes and fire passed through, and only then can we call ourselves a family? Perhaps all of the above is true, but it is also possible that a family or a family project is born when each of a married couple, while independent of the other, separates from their parents and begins an independent life? This period has very important tasks and crises associated with these tasks. It is necessary to separate from your parents, both financially and emotionally. A few words about separation from parents. In our culture, emotional separation from parents is perceived as blasphemous, ungrateful, or worse, betrayal. Let's figure out what emotional separation from parents is. This is permission for yourself to live your life, and for your parents, this is permission for yourself and your parents to make mistakes, this is a feeling of your value and importance, regardless of parental approval or disapproval, this is the ability to live without imposing your expectations on others (parents, future spouse, others) about happiness, care and love. At the same time, feeling a feeling of love and gratitude to our parents for the life they gave us. This is the most difficult, but also the most important step towards family. And now the first step has been taken. What next? And then we go through life and meet Him or Her. And living life together begins. Living together also has its own tasks: adaptation to each other, distribution of power, setting rules, determination with traditions,building boundaries, both internal and external. And if the tasks of the previous stage are solved, then the couple will cope with the tasks of this stage. If this does not happen, then the spouses begin to live through this stage, already being together. That is, they pair up in order to be able to separate and prove that they are completely autonomous, independent individuals. It's a paradox, isn't it? And how many divorces occur after the first year of marriage? If the test is passed, and the two remain together, despite all the storms that rushed over them, then the family takes the next step in its development. The third step. This is the birth of the first child. The baby comes into an already established family system with established boundaries, unwritten rules, formal and informal roles, and the parents have already allocated a certain place for him in their system. And the unborn child has certain instructions: who the baby will be when he grows up, who he definitely won’t be, how children can behave and how they should under no circumstances behave, what personal manifestations will be welcomed and which ones will be suppressed, etc. And for parents at this moment certain changes also occur. They relate to changes in the roles of spouses, now they are not only husband and wife, but also mother and father, and these are different duties and responsibilities, a different set of functions, different boundaries, both external and internal. After all, it is necessary not only to build boundaries between spouses, but also to understand what place is allocated in this system for grandparents. How often, after the birth of a child, a husband turns from “dear”, “dear”, “beloved” into “our dad”. And with the transformation of the husband into “our dad,” sexual relations between spouses gradually cease. Why? Is it possible to have sexual relations with “our dad?” Is our unconscious able to recognize quotation marks in this phrase? And who then will be “our dad’s” wife? Fourth step. The appearance of a second child. And if for spouses the situation of the appearance of a new family member is already familiar, then for the first child this situation is fraught with certain difficulties. Some parents believe that their child is not worried about the appearance of a second child in the family, saying “he loves his younger brother so much” or “she babysits him, even more than I do” or “he understands everything perfectly.” Dear moms and dads, please answer honestly the question “How do you feel when you think that your husband (wife) has another woman (man)”? And for your firstborn this is also a test and a lesson. We must learn to share the attention and love of our parents with our brother or sister. And this is not easy. In well-functioning families, parents, understanding all the difficulties that the first child faces, help to accept and survive this event as painlessly as possible. But it is impossible to completely anesthetize this period, and is it necessary to do so? After all, sooner or later the child will have to face the fact that he is not the center of the universe. It may be better if he lives through this crisis in the family, among loving and supportive parents, and he has the experience of experiencing this event without pathologies for his personality. The following crisis moments are associated with the child’s growing up. Changes in the family system occur when a child enters school, due to the fact that society begins to play an active role in the life of the family, and it is necessary to accept new norms of communication, try on new roles, master new functions - the parents of the student, accept the fact of partial separation of the child from parents. After all, a child’s admission to school is another stage in the separation of the child from his parents. The baby took the first step in this direction by starting to walk independently. The next step is visiting kindergarten, then school, and in adolescence – this is the period of personal self-identification. The separation process is characterized by a decrease in parental control over the child, and, accordingly, an increase in parental anxiety. In order for separation to proceed correctly, it is necessary to increase the child’s life competence. In this case»