Hearing once again “for your parents you will always be children (in other versions - small)”, I can hardly suppress the desire to object: sons, daughters - yes, but not children and certainly not small . This small but very significant nuance determines the entire policy of relationships between children and parents - at a minimum, and at a maximum - it affects the development and separation of the child from his parents. What I mean? This common phrase reveals not just a touching attachment to their child, it reveals the parent’s unpreparedness for the fact that this child grows, matures, moves away and leaves his parents. Unpreparedness for the end of a symbiotic relationship. In other words, the mother of an adult, half-jokingly reminding him that he will always remain a child for her, seems to be saying: you will never be an adult. And who, if not the mother, should this adult child trust? Here I come close to a very common problem that is not often paid attention to, namely: the growing up of a parent with a child. A sufficiently sensitive, calm, self-confident (as opposed to anxious, intrusive and preoccupied) and well-reflective parent easily navigates the environment and just as easily accepts signals from a maturing child about the range of his powers, as well as the range of responsibilities, degree of development self-awareness and social, physical and mental capabilities increase. And this good parent grows with the child: he is flexible, and therefore changes the rules, expands the list of permissible and prohibited topics and actions, in a word, he is able to respond to changes in the child and easily adapts himself and adjusts the environment surrounding the child. The less child, the easier it is to track his mental growth and maturation, and therefore, the easier it is to respond to them. So, if a one-and-a-half-year-old baby feels the need to use a spoon independently, he needs to be given this opportunity, although the prospect of washing everything around him seems unlikely. The same applies to the baby’s other aspirations: getting dressed independently, albeit slowly, somehow brushing his teeth, helping in the kitchen, decorating the Christmas tree. These are those simple and well-known actions aimed at gaining independence. To one degree or another, every mother encourages their implementation. However, at some point, the child demands more space and more authority: he, along with adults, wants to decide how to spend the weekend, what to watch on TV, what to eat for lunch, when to go for a walk, what to buy in the store, etc. The list is constantly expanding. In addition, taste preferences change, sleep schedules stretch, new interests appear, and character strengthens. And here parents often make mistakes: they upset the child, appealing to his young age: it is not your right to decide on an equal basis with your parents. This is especially true for anxious parents with unclear, vague boundaries: it is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that the usual order of life is disrupted and you have to depend on someone else’s opinion, different from your own. Therefore, referring to a young age is the most convenient excuse. Over time, of course, the child’s autonomy increases. His dissimilarity from his parent also increases, his needs and circle of influence increase: he builds his own boundaries, which he protects with the help of “I want it or I don’t want it.” The parent can continue to decide for the child, imposing his point of view. By and large, it doesn’t matter in what manner he does it: despotic or soft, persuasive. There is only one message: let everything remain my way, as before. Some children, by virtue of their character, are capable of rebellion: they can defend their right to their opinion, but for others it is more difficult, and such children will humbly eat from their mother’s hands, agree to go for a walk at 11 o’clock, although their favorite cartoon is on at that time. After all, mom has power and love, which is easy to manipulate. As a result, the child not only unlearns to listen to his desires, but also understands: there is always a figure that is more important than himself. Parents, more often,.