“If you loved me, you wouldn’t have done this,” “You promised me before the wedding...” - familiar phrases, isn’t it. Probably one of the most common reproaches in family life. Occurs more often in women. I can’t say how often. Maybe because, according to statistics, men are more often satisfied with family relationships, unlike women. Or it’s simply more difficult for them to formulate what it would be like if she “really” loved. Or they generally don’t remember well what they were promised before the wedding... Women, as a rule, are more dependent and talkative creatures, better form an ideal image of a relationship, more carefully work out the expected behavior of their spouse and are willing to talk about it. Apparently they expect that the honeymoon will last forever. Wonder why the curses? Because it is the expectations of how it “should be” during the period of falling in love that lays the groundwork for many problems. Problems that the couple will have to go through later. At the same time, the basic feeling of “We” is laid down, which will serve as the main support and support for the couple for many years. Try to think about why you entered into a relationship or started a family. The most common answer is for a deep, lasting connection with another person. At the same time, everyone wants to feel themselves next to this person - loved, respected, appreciated, free, sexy. This is exactly what happens during the period of romantic love, which, according to scientists who study the brain in various emotional states, is a state of temporary insanity. Because on an MRI, the brain of a lover looks exactly the same as the brain of a drug addict on cocaine. During this period, the feeling of “We” is established, which, as everyone thinks, will last forever. During this period, everyone finds the maximum amount in common with their partner: common character traits, interests, values. This creates the feeling that you have found “your person,” the closest, dearest, most understanding, etc. Later, during stressful periods, this will help forgive, make peace, and negotiate. In this “We” state, a person does not see differences and does not feel that he doesn’t like something, and sometimes he simply lies, trying, consciously or unconsciously, to become even closer to his partner. Most often, they deliberately deceive each other about some everyday trifles and small habits that seem completely unimportant (for example, in everyday life). Unconsciously they deceive each other about their life values ​​and interests, trying to pass themselves off as purposeful, faithful, hardworking, etc. It must be said that in this “temporary insanity”, basking in this “We”, a person really believes in it himself - he simply does not share where his values ​​are, where are his partner’s, and where are simply generally accepted slogans. And sooner or later, in this “We”, everyone will begin to feel like a separate “I” - with their own habits, interests, dreams and wounds. And, accordingly, to fight to feel next to your partner as still loved, respected, appreciated, free, sexy. Moreover, if this struggle takes place openly, it has a chance, after a large or even small bloodshed, to move into peaceful negotiations and end “redivision of territory” - responsibilities, interests, values. But there is another type of war: hidden, partisan, when all wishes and demands are answered “Okay!” - and they don’t fulfill their promise. Then periods of hope and peace in the family are replaced by helplessness and rage for the one who believed. There will definitely be periods of hope and peace, because our brain still remembers this sweet feeling of “We”, and it doesn’t care whether it is in the present or only in the form of promises for the future. And the main thing is to say “No” to a loved one and protest against someone with whom we were like “We” is much more difficult than doing the same with someone we barely know or even a stranger. Therefore, unconscious or conscious lies between close people occur quite often, as payback for the sweet “We” of the honeymoon, and maybe even as.