There is an opinion that abusers only take victims as a mate. In this article, I want to look at the aspect of victimized behavior of women who begin a relationship with an abuser. What kind of victim is she? Many people see her as some kind of junk who constantly cries, whines, gets punched, cries again and does nothing about it. He complains a lot and begs for sympathy. With low self-esteem. This is not always the case. Because: The victim’s behavior may not be constant and manifest itself in a certain situation, during a certain period. For example: In childhood, my mother manipulated rejection, playing the silent game. The girl grew up, everything seemed to be not bad, and then she met a man and again fell into silence. Events of the past, thoughts, feelings and emotions are superimposed on the present, the behavior of the victim is triggered, because it is already familiar in this situation. Low self-esteem can be buried deep inside, with external, very real success. For example: You have an active inner child, you are cheerful and a sociable person. But somewhere deep down there is a worm that periodically reminds you that you are not so good. But then everything is overshadowed by extroversion, cheerfulness, and flexibility of thinking. People with low self-esteem are not always withdrawn and uninteresting. Not all victims look like a gray, amorphous person. Many have a bright appearance, a good job, friends, and hobbies. Here in the picture are several situations that emerge in adult life and are played out in relationships. But it all started with my mother. It turns out that abusers can choose any women as their mate? They can choose anyone; during the reconnaissance process they find out all the vulnerabilities. None of us are invulnerable. Some people tend to assign shame and guilt to themselves. Some people have low self-esteem. Someone is already afraid of their numbers in their passport and loneliness. Every person has something in their biography where they can be tricked. And the abuser came. A successful, beautiful and cheerful woman is attractive. To one of my clients, who met an abuser in group psychotherapy, he said, “You are so alive!” That’s what beckons. Life, joy. Which they don't have. But there are ideas to take credit for your successes. If he has such a successful, beautiful, smart, kind and socially recognized woman next to him, will he also become like that? Will the hole in your soul heal? And he strives for everything beautiful that is in the woman he is interested in. And then he understands. That he is he, and you are you. Besides, your stories, stories, and smile are very annoying. Envy and frustration burn through the remnants of the soul even more. And then, under the influence of this envy, frustration, shame, devaluation, humiliation, gaslighting begins. And other methods where everything is done under negative feelings and only when you are broken, humiliated, upset does he calm down. Considering that it all begins with reconnaissance and seduction, in which the abuser shows himself as a gallant and loving person, you can easily fall into a haze of gaslighting and self-flagellation. Any normal person has self-criticism. And when you and your partner have quarrels, you sit down and start thinking, “What could I have done wrong?”, “How to fix the situation?” Not realizing that they were abused. The opinion of a loved one also matters. If he said that I am a conflicted person, surely he can see this situation better from the outside? Over time, due to regular gaslighting, accusations, and manipulation, your self-esteem will definitely be erased and you will develop the behavior of a victim. Conclusion: Not everyone enters into relationships that look like junk , have no job, no friends, constantly cry, are of no interest to anyone, and often even very bright and interesting personalities. A tendency towards sacrificial behavior is often a reason to stay in such a relationship. A person inclined to save and help out, i.e., a rescuer, can also easily fall into the clutches of an abuser, because he has such life experience, poor, poor! He will die or disappear! Even a tyrant can fall to a tyrant. For every tyrant there is an even greater tyrant who, by force